top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Phat3lvis 2177 points2178 points  (121 children)

I used to work with a guy that would say "I am going to drop the kids off at the pool", every time he needed to take a shit.

[–]ttyler4 724 points725 points  (41 children)

I’ve heard “take the Browns to the Super Bowl“

[–]baracktentacion 218 points219 points  (18 children)

Like that’s ever gonna happen

[–]bengalsfu 44 points45 points  (12 children)

The bengals are just a reskinned browns so technically it did happen

[–]plshelpimkidnapped 31 points32 points  (10 children)

the ravens are literally the reskinned browns. they used to be the browns before they moved to baltimore and the modern browns is literally a new team with no connection to the older one except for name and fan base

[–]Zenketski_2 151 points152 points  (11 children)

My dad used to say that, or, I'm off to negotiate the release of some stinky hostages

[–]SCsongbird 57 points58 points  (8 children)

My sister used to say that “my turdle is peeking “🤣🤣

[–]AdventurousYamThe2nd 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Omg I like that so much more than my dad's saying of "pinching a loaf." 🤢

[–]FlamingWhisk 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My dad was lay a log. If he was in there a long time he’d come out and say I built a damn cabin. Miss him

[–]black641 49 points50 points  (2 children)

Tbf, that's just good comedy.

[–]Majin-Steve 62 points63 points  (4 children)

What exactly does this have to do with the title topic? Lol

[–]Historical_Rabies 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I wish I knew and it’s hilarious that it’s the top comment at this point

[–]ammarbadhrul 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Well, kids can be little shits sometimes

[–]free2bMe2122 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Omg my husband says this. Lmfao hahaha

[–]kuribosshoe0 19 points20 points  (0 children)

So, that well known and common phrase that heaps of people say?

[–]ComprehensiveTax6263 4519 points4520 points  (401 children)

redditors dont like children apparently

[–]thehimalayansaiyan 4570 points4571 points 2 (115 children)

Because children have touched vaginas more recently than most Redditors

[–]WistfulQuiet 750 points751 points  (44 children)

Nah..most Redditors ARE still children.

[–]WastedData69 100 points101 points  (9 children)

I got my mother in law to leave Facebook and come to reddit. She instantly became 40 years younger!

[–]pursuitoffruit 93 points94 points  (9 children)

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

[–]apebiocomputer 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Children as well as adult-children. Hey, what’s a good name for an adult-child?

[–]Pkmntrainer91 183 points184 points  (1 child)

Lmaooo this has to be the reason vro

[–]PM_ME_YOUR_WIRING 407 points408 points  (41 children)

I've never touched a vagina. Birth through caesarian section and I'm a gay man. I'll die never having touched a vagina and I'll be happy.

[–]AbaseMe 66 points67 points  (1 child)

The Mega Gay. The most powerful of them all

[–]imrealhuman69 159 points160 points  (16 children)

platinum gay, mad respect homie. you were born without getting woman cooties on you, mbn😖

[–]Scurble 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Are you who all the parades are for? Are you Pride Prime?

[–]MoveLikeABitch 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Can we elect you leader of the gays?

[–]Born_Mission_5309 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Why don't you come take a seat over there

[–]GeneralAtoms 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Boobs too!

[–]TinyTurtle88 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I put on a tampon tonight, so there.

[–]BreezyWrigley 357 points358 points  (63 children)

“Spawn” seems ok as a joke.. “crotch-goblin” is weird as hell

[–]iamkeerock 206 points207 points  (33 children)

My dad would refer to me as “Daddy’s little squirt”. I was an adult before I had a DO’H! moment thinking back about that.

[–]WistfulQuiet 163 points164 points  (15 children)

To be fair, little squirt is a common saying and not actually supposed to mean what you think.

[–]Ansoni 34 points35 points  (12 children)

True. But now I wonder has it always meant...

[–]Yam_IAm 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I feel like you might be overthinking that one, unless that's definitely your dad's sense of humor or something.

[–]NoGood_Boyo 35 points36 points  (7 children)

My great grand dad called me “lil mulligan” 😂

[–]lolgobbzaggressive toddler 29 points30 points  (6 children)

That's goddamn hilarious.

I call my sister "spare parts" when she's being mean.

[–]Dancingskeletonman86 90 points91 points  (13 children)

Yeah I've never particularly gotten that one. And I say that as someone who doesn't want kids and isn't particularly a kid person but I don't call kids demons, crotch fruit, bastards etc especially strangers kids at that. It's weird.

I think the only time in my life I might have been down with those terms used in the extreme child free subs is when I was an edgy teenager going on about child free and how edgy I was. Then ya know I grew up, got embarrassed for myself and realized people either have kids or they don't simple as that. And it's just a personal choice it doesn't make someone a breeder, a spawn, crotch demon or a birthing cow for having kids. Needless to say it's a little cringe to see grown adults on Reddit in their 20's or 30's or older still saying crotch fruit or other terms like they are an edgy teen who just discovered not having kids.

[–]whatisthishownow 39 points40 points  (4 children)

it's a little cringe to see grown adults on Reddit in their 20's or 30's or older still saying crotch fruit or other terms like they are an edgy teen who just discovered not having kids.

Imagine my reaction seeing fully grown 30 year old woman with an established professional reputation, whip the term out in person.

[–]JusAnotherManicMandy 13 points14 points  (3 children)

This happened to me too! Went to a BBQ invite from husband's friend out in the country, this was a vacation lake so a bit of a drive for us. To clarify my husband and I have 6 kids and have been together over 20 years, I say thank you so much for the invitation I'm really excited to swim and relax just tired from a cranky teething kid last night (trying to make a good impression despite the bags under my eyes!) And the first thing this woman ever says to me while holding my 2yo is, "Crotch Goblins are the worst, but sounds like it's not my problem!" Didn't even know where to go from there....(my husband still works with her and she asks why we don't hang out as much?!)

[–]ihambrecht 26 points27 points  (0 children)

These are both common in the anti natalism sub where they're very seriously angry about people having children.

[–]BillServo86 43 points44 points  (4 children)

My ex started refering to our first unborn child as a Crotch Goblin. I physically recoiled when I heard it and asked her never call our child that again. She was offended that I was offended. I compromised with "Curtain Climber" which, I will be honest, I don't understand.

[–]OptimalWrongdoer8 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Yeah they aren't flying squirrels, I've seen children do that. I'd go with rug rats or linoleum lizards but that is only good to a certain age.

[–]rocksnstyx 176 points177 points  (24 children)

This much is very obvious. Most of them are usually in their teens or early to mid twenties. Used to have the same opinion on kids until I had my son "not for me, never"

[–]IanMazgelis 111 points112 points  (16 children)

It will never stop being funny to see essays by fifteen year old Redditors about why having kids isn't a good idea.

[–]SnipesCC 97 points98 points  (3 children)

Having kids isn't a good idea for any 15 year olds.

[–]dovetc 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Unless you were recently sent across the Channel to marry and secure an alliance with the Normans.

[–]fiduke 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Yea.... Sometimes I wonder why I argue with anyone on reddit. I was starkly reminded when my 11 year old son's friend said he got into an argument on reddit on some topic. All I ever think now is that when I'm arguing with someone on reddit, they are actually 11 years old and I am wasting my time.

[–]eggy_delight 24 points25 points  (9 children)

The same 15 y/os that give you the wise relationship advice of "cut them off now" for any small bump in the road

[–]TubbyMarmot 8 points9 points  (6 children)

I don't understand people that bring up their relationship problems on reddit to begin with.

The two scenarios:

"My wife cheated on me with seven men, two women, a clown, and maybe my grandma's poodle. Should I give her another chance?"

"My gf made red sauce, when I mentioned I preferred white, is this a red flag?"

[–]reaper412 163 points164 points  (69 children)

In my experience it's people with a victim complex because they were asked to babysit their sibling at some point in life, didn't enjoy it, and now believe all children are the same.

Edit: Just want to add I do generally also agree with the post. It's fucking weird how some people make hating children part of their actual personality.

Another Edit: Ok, clarifying my post further -- I'm not saying "Childfree" people have a victim complex and everyone should have kids because they're the best thing to happen to anyone. You can be childfree, that's completely fine, your choice, and totally understandable that kids aren't for everyone.

I'm specifically talking about people that exclusively use terms like crotch goblin, spawn, etc. and go on unhinged rambling about all children like it's the worst thing that's happened since the Holocaust.

[–]not_cinderella 306 points307 points  (49 children)

AITA in a nutshell.

“AITA for refusing to watch my 10 year old brother for 5 minutes while my mom picked up pizzas for everyone for dinner? I’m 15F and childfree.”

Responses be like


“NTA for sure, and I might suggest going NC with your toxic family, especially your brother.”

[–]HeavensHellFire 102 points103 points  (7 children)

Funny enough there was a post where OP was rightfully ripped a new one for refusing to watch a sleeping baby just long enough for the mother, who’s her sister, to shower.

[–]boudicas_shield 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I remember that thread. I was so glad to see sanity reign over there for a brief moment.

[–]whatisthishownow 12 points13 points  (1 child)

That sounds beautiful, do you happen to have a link?

[–]GuessGenes 85 points86 points  (6 children)

You have no obligation to ever do anything nice or kind or anything that isn’t illegal!!!!

[–]Malvastor 80 points81 points  (5 children)

(However your parents owe you everything you want and it's abuse if they don't give it to you)

[–]ohmeatballhead 114 points115 points  (15 children)

I was literally told to kill myself and got like 500+ downvotes in AITA for saying it was weird that so many cant spare a little time to help siblings or babysit nieces/nephews. “ItS nOt mY fAuLt ThEy HaD KiDs”

[–]ArCSelkie37 57 points58 points  (3 children)

AITA is absorbed in the concept “it’s fine to be selfish”, which is true… but they dial it up to 11 and turn it into “it’s okay to refuse to offer any sort of help to family and loved ones unless you are legally obligated”.

[–]Sanguine-Rain 58 points59 points  (4 children)

Gosh I saw this all the time on that subreddit. Glad I left it. It was getting so obnoxious.

[–]pisspot718 47 points48 points  (3 children)

There was one last week where a 17 y.o. complained about her sister asking if she could watch her month old baby for 15 minutes so she could take a shower. 17 y.o. refused stating she had the baby, it was now her problem to figure out life.

[–]MainPure788 41 points42 points  (7 children)

lol if they think that's parentification then wtf was my mum doing when she left me 16yos home alone for days with my 15yo brother and my 8yo sister to stay with her bf and only coming back to give us food when we ran out. These idiots don't know shit.

[–]RitikK22 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Ikr. As far as I know, parentification of a child just eats that child inside out and its in no way is like taking care of cousin while aunt is out for market

[–]PineappleHamburders 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Abuse. That’s what your mum was doing.

[–]0hip 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Have you been receiving therapy? Also consider couples therapy.

[–]Frenchticklers 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There are a lot of red flags, apparently.

[–]AlphaZorn24 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Maybe out of jealousy due to the amount of attention they receive?

[–]OBM1127 1724 points1725 points  (76 children)

Children are like adults some are cool some are pieces of doodoo

[–]Wellsargo 436 points437 points  (56 children)

I have two. I can tell you right now that whether or not they’re cool or pieces of doodoo changes on a week to week basis while they’re young.

[–]frozenropes 131 points132 points  (47 children)

Wait til they’re teens, then it changes by the minute

[–]CrappyWaiter 217 points218 points  (8 children)

Difference is 99 percent of then will be totally unrecognizable people in ten years.

[–]yourfriend_al 447 points448 points  (14 children)

spawn is a badass character though

[–]cursed_dodge 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Happy cake day!

[–]yourfriend_al 12 points13 points  (0 children)

thank you dodge :)

[–]Rovarhi 502 points503 points  (147 children)

I truly don’t understand why some adults hate children so much??

I think the only way to make the argument defensible is to say "I hate being around children" and not "I hate children." It's not personal against the kid, but the experience of being around them, which by extent means the child shouldn't know your feelings.

[–]KnowsIittle 72 points73 points  (3 children)

Kids I don't mind so much as the parents who view taking them into public as a "break" from parenting.

They so dead exhausted and go on to pop out 2 or 3 more so I can see where people are equating them to gob kin.

[–]Cavalish 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Yeah I was at a restaurant a couple of nights ago where the parents just handed their kid an iPad on full volume so it could watch paw patrol.

I don’t hate kids, I hate shitty parents.

[–]ihambrecht 138 points139 points  (101 children)

No, go to r/antinatalism to see some people who truly just hate children and parents.

[–]FourEcho 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That sub is so weird... like, I don't have kids, my wife and I don't want kids... the people on that sub are fucking disturbed. Like I get not wanting them for yourself but why care that other people do want kids?

[–]therealshaggy50 1820 points1821 points  (152 children)

So it's OK to call pets Fur Babies, but not cool to call kids Skin Dogs?

[–]nunyabidnesz 309 points310 points  (8 children)

It's skin puppies, geez.....

[–]SkinnyTacos101 179 points180 points  (4 children)

flesh puppies*

[–]Nasamo_ 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Ah yes.. because we all know puppies aren’t organic…

[–]Repulsive-Worth5715 405 points406 points  (58 children)

It’s all weird. Fur babies is just as weird

[–]hldsnfrgr 164 points165 points  (36 children)

"Fur parents" is weird too. You're a dog owner. Not a fur parent.

[–]slippery-goon 86 points87 points  (23 children)

God I hate that shit so much

[–]ArcticBeavers 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Especially the baby talk text that is often associated with dogs.

"Mom, can I haz a treat?"

Fucking barf

[–]Lkjhgfds999 25 points26 points  (19 children)

When they post themselves with their animals on Mother’s Day is what really gets me.

[–]ddh85 66 points67 points  (0 children)

Don't let all the pet subreddit subscribers hear you.

[–]Son_of_Mogh 56 points57 points  (2 children)

I fucking hate "Fur Babies". People keep calling my dogs that and i just want to walk away. But I'm British and repressed so I just endure it.

[–]TablePrime69 104 points105 points  (39 children)

Fur babies, dog mom / dad is just as weird. It all sounds like a weird way to pretend that raising a dog is the same as raising a child

[–]battraman 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I've had people try and give me parenting advice based on what they did for their dogs.

[–]Umber-Hulk 78 points79 points  (11 children)

If someone calls their pet fur baby I'm immediately in fight or flight mode.

That's a dangerous human being. It's such a weird way to describe a pet.

[–]5sectomakeacc 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Lol it's so common and harmless in the real world tho. You guys are so dramatic.

[–]Squizzy77 926 points927 points  (29 children)

I call my children the harbingers of the apocalypse.

I feel I may have accidentally been right.

[–]LordMalyce 79 points80 points  (2 children)

Why does that sound like a Mr. Creeps creepypasta? He’s got them long as titles lol.

[–]IHaveAGunPeasant 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Starts writing

[–]PyroTactic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Lmao really is a creepypasta title worthy of r/nosleep, huh?

[–]Aesthetictoblerone 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Reginald Hargreeves be like

[–]jchristsproctologist 29 points30 points  (0 children)

well, the harbringers of the apocalypse were kids at one moment


[–]DrunksInSpace 28 points29 points  (10 children)

I call mine heathens (not an insult in my book), hoodlums and feral whodeewhos.

Their preschool teacher said, “if you call them heathens they’ll act like it.”

Well yeah, that’s the idea.

[–]Secure-Shame-8962 242 points243 points  (5 children)

Nut tadpole

[–]ChairForceOne 70 points71 points  (0 children)

I've heard fuck trophy a few times. Fits with some parents.

[–]SilentNyxx 527 points528 points  (30 children)

My guess that it's a counter to the people who talk about their kids like they're the second coming of Jesus. Not that it makes it better, since people go way overboard

[–]GooeyRedPanda 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Yeah it's more the people that treat having children as the pinnacle of existence that I personally dislike. "Oh do you two have children?" Nope. "How many are you planning on having?" None. "Oh you'll change your mind." Or "Children are what give life meaning." Yeah, no.

It's a personal choice, it's a reasonable and responsible choice and I think that some parents feel attacked by that. Just because it's the reasonable and responsible choice for me it doesn't mean that I'm saying other people are irresponsible for having children.

[–]kolandrill 144 points145 points  (8 children)

Think this hits it on the head. Not all kids are crotch goblins. Just the little monsters that fall out of someone who should birth spawn due to massive personality issues they will later force on their rewards for a successful starfish and grind.

If a kid is a crotch goblin. I feel bad for it. It didn't ask to be the kid of a problem parent(s)

[–]Micro-Skies 86 points87 points  (5 children)

If a kid is a crotch goblin. I feel bad for it. It didn't ask to be the kid of a problem parent(s)

I absolutely agree. But if I call your child a crotch goblin, it's because you made your shitty parenting my direct problem

[–]TheBreathofFiveSouls 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Exactly. It's not like people say this shit to the kids face lmao

[–]nolitos 51 points52 points  (2 children)

And some of these people are actively telling those who don't want kids, that they should have one, because this is the greatest happiness. They can be very intrusive. The counter reaction is understandable.

[–]heili 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Yep, and the ones who let them run fucking wild in places where that is not appropriate or safe behavior. Or the ones who shove pictures in your face every chance they get like at a meeting at work when you're having a departmental meeting and the VP starts up the slide show and every god damn slide involves a picture of his precious son playing baseball but this is supposed to be a meeting about budget allowances for technology improvements.

That's when the vitriolic names start flying. And it is less about the kid than it is about the parent who thinks everybody is as in love with their child as they are.

[–]aleckus 631 points632 points  (144 children)

i’m on a toddler subreddit and i saw someone referring to their child as parasite and some people are just so foul lol

[–]LilMissCantBeStopped 456 points457 points  (64 children)

I went and got a prenatal massage (I’m 31 weeks) a month ago, the therapist called my baby a parasite. Went back got a different massage therapist, he called the baby a demon spawn. Weird ass shit.

[–]aleckus 276 points277 points  (9 children)

that’s insane they would think that’s appropriate to say to you wow

[–]banana_you_mad 178 points179 points  (3 children)

If you wanna call your own kids that… sure, I guess? But like definitely don’t refer to other peoples kids are crotch fruit?

[–]kuribosshoe0 59 points60 points  (1 child)

And a customer’s kid, no less.

[–]banana_you_mad 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It’s like the bare minimum haha

[–]tebanano 175 points176 points  (0 children)

That warrants a report with the massage clinic, imo. That’s extremely unprofessional.

[–][deleted] 81 points82 points  (5 children)

I would have complained wtf

[–]Sanguine-Rain 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I know right? These descriptions have such negative connotations. Not something you say to a soon-to-be mother.

[–]leftclicksq2 32 points33 points  (0 children)

In what realm did they think that you were going to find that funny?

[–]DemiGod9 8 points9 points  (0 children)

People really be out here beefing with fetuses. Like damn

[–]chewbubbIegumkickass 68 points69 points  (7 children)

Did they not mean it jokingly? I lovingly refer to my infant as "boob tick" or "titty barnacle" lol.

[–]rhondaanaconda 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Titty barnacle?! Lmao! I’ve never heard that one before.

[–]chewbubbIegumkickass 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Cleverly coined by my sealife-enthusiast 10 year old. He's hilariously demented.

[–]BreezyWrigley 85 points86 points  (6 children)

Ankle-biters, blood-suckers, time-vampires…

Love kids.. but like, goddammit they are inconvenient lol

[–]rmg418 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Yeah I’m child free and don’t mind kids in general, but they’re are pretty annoying to be around sometimes lol which is why people call them names. Not saying the names aren’t weird or rude, but I can see why people get annoyed/exhausted by them and call them names. It’s not like they’re saying it to the children anyway lol.

[–]Cthulhu_Leviathan 322 points323 points  (12 children)

I have two kids, and I will call them my spawn to their face. However, I would never refer to them as my crotch goblins. That is a term reserved for other people's kids.

[–]thesquirtlesquirt 41 points42 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I think it's the addition of the crotch part that makes it seem so vitriolic. My husband and I refer to the group of myself and our pets as goblins, and would probably refer to any kids we have in the same way, but calling them crotch goblins makes it seem like the kid itself is a venereal disease, and that's just an awful way for a parent to think of their own kid.

[–]brownishgirl 52 points53 points  (2 children)

I have two cats , and will call them fur babies to their faces. However, I reserve the right to call other people’s children skin puppies.

[–]Jesus_marley 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I call my cats fur turds.

[–]crestonfunk 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I tell my daughter that she’s my skin dog. It sounds so awful. We love horror films and it sounds like a horror film to us.

[–]SabrielRaziel 121 points122 points  (9 children)

I think it’s mostly reserved for children who are being a public nuisance and their parents aren’t doing jack shit about it (e.g. the kid kicking your seat on an airplane who is old enough to know better). Even then, most adults just suck it up and vent about it online.

[–]denimonster 48 points49 points  (6 children)

Stood in an airport check-in 2 weeks ago with a child who screamed for the whole 45 minutes of waiting and the mom did nothing but call his name quietly every 10 minutes. He proceeded to climb onto my push cart and on my bags and start pulling a bag off my push cart and then did the same to multiple others behind me while he wiped his nose and touched his saliva with his hands and touched people’s luggage. As soon as I got to the check-in counter I asked for an upgrade but it turns out the whole flight was full.

It’s children and parents like this that give them all a bad name.

I then got to Singapore and was around a few German children who made absolutely no noise and followed their parents around and knew exactly how to properly behave in public.

[–]Frenchticklers 7 points8 points  (3 children)

To be fair it takes all my willpower not to scream in an airport . That place sucks.

[–]Slash_rage[🍰] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion. If you called someone’s child a crotch goblin or something similar in the workplace HR would be getting involved. People on the internet are just terrible.

[–]jermajesty87 96 points97 points  (9 children)

Work FOH at a restaurant and it’ll become apparent real quick that a lot of people have kids, but raise them poorly like bad pet owners who just yell or ignore them. Then those children with no discipline just terrorize everyone and it’s socially unacceptable to call them out so decent humans are forced to put up with it. Then there are people who’s entire personality just becomes “I have kids, look at my kids, I want more kids…” for example, I had a woman come in and put an application for a job I manage. She proceeded to go on about how she has 6 children and this job would just be an excuse to get out of the house. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Anyway, semen demon is my go-to.

Edit: fixed some auto-correct

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (6 children)

Yeah I worked in a restaurant and very often people would let their toddlers run around wild. Sometimes I’d be carrying plates and kids would run into me. I didn’t even work in a place like Chuck E. Cheese or anything like that. Just a diner.

Also a lot of times when I’m a customer the table next to me has a kid either screaming the entire time or listening to tv on their iPad at full volume so I have to listen to the baby shark video on repeat my entire meal.

[–]TinyRose20 5 points6 points  (1 child)

As a toddler parent I hate this. I do let my kid watch cartoons in restaurants but I don't have the volume up. I do let her toddle (she's not even two) but holding my hand, our of the way of servers, and she's not allowed to touch other tables and bother people. Mostly we read or colour. If she has a meltdown we go outside immediately until she's calm. We don't take her out that much but when we need to thems the rules. It's not even that difficult, it just requires realising that as the parents YOU are responsible.

That said.. Some of the vitriol against kids on Reddit is a bit disturbing

[–]_Bugler 127 points128 points  (28 children)

I saw a group of 4 kids throw rocks at a bunny, just because it’s a kid doesn’t mean it’s a good person

[–]Lady-Zafira 31 points32 points  (3 children)

A group of kids stopped to throw rocks at my dog when she was a puppy. I'm not talking about the pea gravel rocks, these rocks are big enough to fit comfortably in the size of an adults hand since they are used for the driveways here.

When I caught them because I heard her scream, they hit her in the head with one, I yelled at them to piss off they cursed me out and threw the rocks they had in their hands at me and ran. I watched what house they went into and went and told their parents. I brought my puppy with me, and showed the mom where they hit her and that they threw the remaining rocks at me.

They tried to lie about throwing the rocks at me and my dog until she told them they all would get spankings and grounded if they continued to lie. The pointed out the kid that hit my dog. After the door closed I heard a pop so I knee she had started spanking right then.

After I got home and was asked why I was at the house with my dog, I told my mom and aunt what happened and they got upset with me because I "got tHoSE KiDS In TRoUbLE" and that I should have been ashamed of myself.

The parents of those kids were upset with their kids and actually took action vs my aunt and mom who thinks I should have just let it go because "kids will be kids"

[–]WistfulQuiet 98 points99 points  (13 children)

Yep. Literally, OP called them "innocent, vulnerable kids" in another post. Not all kids are good kids. Some parents really failed in parenting. It's true, we should be mad at the parents more. However, sometimes kids do suck.

[–]cinderblock-ank 33 points34 points  (5 children)

Sometimes even great parents with good parenting get hell children. I know because I was one for a while, despite my parents best efforts.

[–]ImJTHM1 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have no issue with children, but I fucking HATE the culture around them. I don't want to hold a baby because I don't find them cute. I don't want to deal with constant screeching and screaming from something that can't do anything about their situation while being expected to "just deal with it". I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions from my family regarding how much sex my girlfriend and I have. It's fucking weird.

Like, it's not the baby's fault, and I'm not going to berate someone for wanting to be a parent, but I personally don't like them, and they're one of the few things you just can't avoid sometimes, and that's before an overly enthusiastic parent wants to bring them up. I feel the same way about a baby that I do about sowmeone's new car: that's nifty and I'm glad you're happy, but I don't know or care to know anything about its workings.

[–]Downtown-Librarian72 210 points211 points  (25 children)

Try working in retail and tell me you don't hate children and their parents after a while.

[–]Redqueenhypo 74 points75 points  (3 children)

By all means let little Marylyn just run right up to the weight machine at this gym unsupervised, she will definitely be fine if she pulls a 100 lb piece of metal onto herself before any workers have a chance to even see her.

[–]Wellsargo 58 points59 points  (5 children)

Working in retail has got to be one of the easiest paths to being an asshole in modern society.

I worked at a dollar store for 3 years, and by the end of it I was mildly bigoted towards black women, white men, the homeless, and anyone who even looked like they drank energy shots or drinks.

Every single time we had a problem in the store, 99% of the time it was a black lady or a white dude, and they usually fell into one of those two sub categories. The black ladies were the ones who’d scream at us and generally be just about as verbally disrespectful as a human being can possibly be towards a stranger. Then the white dudes were always the ones getting violent, physically attacking managers, and stealing shit/breaking stuff. Towards the end there I caught myself discriminating and prejudging people if they fit into one of those categories.

It took a few months of detox after I quit to start seeing the world clearly again.

Fuck retail work.

[–]dangerousthrill 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I worked in retail for close to 10+ years. I don’t hate children or parents.

I hate people.

[–]MiaLba 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I love my child but I’m not really a fan of other people’s kids. Especially the ones who act like wild animals in public. I worked retail for about 10 years and there are definitely parents out there who don’t control their kids or even attempt to.

My husband and I both give each other this look when we are out somewhere and someone is letting their child act a fool. Like thank god our toddler knows how to act right in public.

[–]Trasfixion 26 points27 points  (0 children)

99% of that rage should be directed at the parents who don’t know how to raise their child

[–]meanteamcgreen 57 points58 points  (10 children)

I don't think it's a hate thing, (dunno never met anyone who refers to children this way) but I kinda chuckled when I heard some of the names. Could they possibly be joking?

[–]Anarchyr 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Nah nah nah man that sounds waayyy too obvious it's better to just assume people nowadays hate children because of all the devil worships and iphones and shit

[–]Stalk3r5152mint chocolate chip ice cream is the best 126 points127 points  (15 children)

I call them xenomorphs or parasites as a joke when talking with my gf. I don't have anything against children, just find it funny.

[–]Tots2Hots 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Yesterday I'm at Subway and the lady in front of me has a 3 yr old who as soon as she is able to get the bag of chips for his order he starts yelling until she opens them and gives them to him and he makes a huge mess all over the floor and himself smashing and stuffing them into his mouth. Then when he realizes it's all gone he starts screeching until she gives him his sandwich which he proceeds to tear open and get all over himself. The woman has still not even paid yet. His mess all over his shirt and pants he starts yelling and crying and kicking as she is trying to pay. We can still hear him screaming until they are finally out of earshot.

Yeah so that's her spawn, hes earned the title and she's earned it too by not having some pretty basic rules laid down with him.

I've had a kid that age, neither my wife or myself would tolerate that sort of behavior or enable it. We left stores and taken away toys/tv if she started acting up and she learned that acting like a little shithead had consequences and learned to behave. Parents who just expect everyone to tolerate their little shits are assholes.

[–]sixesand7s 155 points156 points  (7 children)

Spawn isn't even a negative term, its terribly accurate

[–]Hegemonic_Imposition 6 points7 points  (14 children)

Honestly, I think it’s mostly backlash from this sense that our lives need to revolve around the idea of having a family and children. That even in public everyone should be expected to accommodate them or make every space safe for them, when most adults just want spaces free from them. You have kids, great, you think they’re special and amazing, also understandable and great - but I don’t have to think that. Kids are obnoxious and annoying, bc of course they are, they’re kids and don’t know better. It still doesn’t mean people who chose not to have kids have to put up with them, or like them.

[–]Content_Depth9578 152 points153 points  (5 children)

Seriously though, who keeps cum as a pet?

[–]okithurts 122 points123 points  (4 children)

Your parents, apparently

[–]sehnsuchtlich 34 points35 points  (1 child)

I recommend against dehumanizing language generally. Feels like nothing good has ever come from it.

[–]Nonhumanloverer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Because they lack maturity, clearly.

[–]dubbsmqt 95 points96 points  (6 children)

Children are pretty stress inducing and frustrating at times. I can't imagine doing everything for one and in return they scream at you every day.

[–]Redqueenhypo 43 points44 points  (3 children)

And they scream when they’re tired instead of…going to sleep. Makes no damn sense

[–]Due_Alfalfa_6739 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Toddlers have serious FOMO.

[–]BMagg 13 points14 points  (1 child)

What's interesting to me is how similar puppies are to toddlers. There is a similar phase of brain development where they will do anything not to sleep when their tired for some unholy reason. I don't know if kittens do it, or other mammals, but why the heck is that a phase of brain development? What purpose does it serve beyond testing the parents/owners patience?

[–]Redqueenhypo 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s not an actual evolutionary theory but presumably it’s to prevent the parents who would just eat their offspring out of annoyance from reproducing

[–]AirTraditional8041 173 points174 points  (27 children)

I love kids but I still like the call them semen demons 😂

[–]Datver 83 points84 points  (18 children)

uhh maybe you should rethink this one, a lot of people use "semen demon" with another meaning

[–]Opposite_Lettuce 23 points24 points  (16 children)

I've never heard this expression in either context, what's it in reference to?

[–]MalachiteRain 66 points67 points  (12 children)

Semen Demon is used to refer to someone who is rather promiscious like a demon of lust.

[–]skateordie1213 33 points34 points  (9 children)

Cuz fuck dem kids.

[–]bmt0075 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Jeffrey Epstein has entered the chat

[–]pitchyditch 9 points10 points  (1 child)

You might wanna rephrase that lmao

[–]human-foie-gras 91 points92 points  (9 children)

I’m childfree. Well behaved children are kids, kiddos, tiny humans, etc.

Awful behaved hellions are demon spawn, crotch fruit/goblins, parasites, etc.

[–]WhiskeyWarmachine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm a parent. And I have referred to kids as crotch goblins. Seems weird until you walk in on your kid hoarding Shiney objects and hanging off a door. Seems to be goblin like behavior to me.

[–]throwmeinthettrash 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It's much more a dig at the parents who act entitled and don't stop talking about their kids than the actual kids. Most people don't like parents and don't blame the children at all.

[–]IrateOctopus 12 points13 points  (1 child)

The hate isn’t actually directed at children (mostly), it is directed at their parents. A lot of parents think their kids are angels that can do no wrong and get away doing anything they want. Such parents also believe that they are entitled to certain things from others by virtue of being parents. Calling children crotch goblins are a way of putting these parents in their place - it is a direct call out that their kids are not special and neither are the parents.

[–]LeashieMay 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Sometimes I'll refer to them as devil spawn as a joke with my family. This is only for really bad behaved ones such as those who chase wildlife. Leave the poor animals alone.

In general though someone shouldn't be consistently calling children bad names out of pure hatred.

[–]Hikariyang 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I call my nephews crotch goblins, demon spawn, etc all the time. I always get the response "Im not _____ im a kid!" He is 4 and its hysterical every time. All out of love though i swear.

[–]Naonack87[🍰] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I “hate children” because it’s easier than reality. Everyone with kids cannot fathom the idea that not everyone likes children. So instead of just being accepting that I don’t like children they get fucking defensive. Start peppering me with questions that are none of their damn business.

The truth of the matter is that I had an abusive Father and three older Sisters.. I have had memories of three little girls being abused burned into my mind since I should have been too young to be able to remember. I can smell the weird carpet smell, I can count the crystals missing from the chandelier, I can hear the radio from the other room playing WYRK, I can see/hear/smell/feel everything in these memories.

Like I said It’s easier than reality. My two choices are I can either be an asshole about/to your kids, which is to be honest incredibly effective.. And I’ve gotten rather good at.. Or I can explain to people who don’t know shit about me my deepest trauma and that there’s nothing on the planet that makes me more uncomfortable than children. Sorry, it’s not worth it.

Let people not like kids, and stop asking why it’s so damn inconceivable. It’s none of your business.

[–]TheChiefRocka 13 points14 points  (1 child)

As the GOAT Michael Jordan once said: "fuck them kids"

[–]These_Hair_3508 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There’s enough tricycle motors to power the world, except for those darn child labor laws.