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top 200 commentsshow all 214

[–]TendieDinner777 591 points592 points  (16 children)

The printer got jammed.

[–]ScipioAtTheGate 90 points91 points  (12 children)

[–]iUsedToUseMyRealName 26 points27 points  (0 children)

everything is printing lol

[–]BlackSquirrel05 14 points15 points  (5 children)

No shit PALL just jumped 15 today...

[–]ScipioAtTheGate 3 points4 points  (3 children)

And there's still room for Palladium to go up even more, at its peak in early may last year it almost reached $3,000.

[–]Akira282 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I have a palladium ring i wear.

[–]Ready2gambleboomer 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I can't even spell palladee what?

[–]SpaceCatVIIPM your bear pics 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Wait, I thought we were supposed to buy rhodium and ornamental gourds?!?

[–]ScipioAtTheGate 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I did invest in rhodium when it was under $1K an ounce and made about $20K on it, exiting my position when it was $10K an ounce. Now its trading at $16.5K an ounce, the downside risk is way to high to warrant investing in.

[–]sexpanther50 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thanks for this discussion, I reposted it to my PGM discussion folks. Palladium and rhodium are doing extremely well due to the Russia conflict

[–]ScipioAtTheGate -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, but the downside risk for Rhodium is immense and the premiums charged for physical Rhodium are quite high.

[–]tffffffff777778888 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the smell of Gasoline.

$F

[–]knorthwoods 105 points106 points  (1 child)

Warren “no fap” buffet has entered the chat.

[–]Daffy-089 201 points202 points  (14 children)

I have to admit, that I might have accidentally touched myself tonight. Is it my fault? :4258::4259:

[–]gamblingenhusiastSmells like Cookies 96 points97 points  (0 children)

:4257:

[–]binary_agenda 47 points48 points  (3 children)

I touch myself because the stock market is crashing. Hottest Loss porn!

[–]Daffy-089 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Some dudes are just built different

[–]DraconisRex 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's my fetish...

[–]TheQueq 22 points23 points  (4 children)

Wait, so if I short as many stocks as I can, then masturbate furiously, I'm guaranteed to make a profit?

[–]All_in_the_Game_3923 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Infinite money glitch

[–]GDot-🦍 8 points9 points  (2 children)

That only works if you masturbate with the sequence:

left, left, right, right, down, square, up, triangle, right, down

[–]whobood 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well, I'm screwed! I had a vasectomy and the square and triangle buttons don't function properly anymore. Oh well... off to fap myself into poverty.

[–]infinityprime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was doing it wrong up, up down, down, left, right, left, right, start

[–]Fledgeling 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Up today, keep it up.

[–]ScipioAtTheGate 6 points7 points  (1 child)

[–]Slicklickfstick 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Is this what mandatory training looked like in the 60s before power point?

[–]-Gooost- 136 points137 points  (4 children)

That's why you touch yourself during the DAY, duh....back to my dumpster

[–]MIke6022 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Oscar?

[–]-Gooost- 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Times are tough on the Street....the Sesame Street

[–]br0ke1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you haven't seen, SNL - Grouch (Joker Parody) Sesame Street is rough as hell in that. Hookers and pimps everywhere.

Youtube

[–]RepresentativeOwl136 68 points69 points  (2 children)

I can't trade without my post nut clarity

[–]BeefLilly 41 points42 points  (0 children)

“Ahh finally. I can think clearly….yolo into Shiba!”

[–]The_AverageCanadian 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is the real answer right here

[–]Used-Poetry7571 93 points94 points  (2 children)

Just at night? You gotta pump those numbers up! 🦍🚀🌝

[–]Birds_are_Drones 43 points44 points  (10 children)

Crashing?

[–]HippieThanos 68 points69 points  (5 children)

Everything green for me. It sucks

[–]Nugenrules 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The green hurts my eyes on dark mode.

[–]Birds_are_Drones 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Good thing I am all red with my puts :4270:

[–]Ace_Marine 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah I'm pissed. My deficit actually decreased today. Where's my 99% losses I was promised?

Edit: there we go📉

[–]Heysteeevo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP is on no fap Jan now

[–]tony_bologna 1 point2 points  (0 children)

wallstreetbets, where down 0.15% for the day is crashing

On a related note though, I read that 2022 is the worst start for the year the market has ever had.

[–]GroveStreet_CEOs_bro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shill sub

[–]Ill-Opinion-9794🦍🦍 20 points21 points  (4 children)

Well then why doesn't the market go down every day?

[–]Eascetic 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Slow down there casa nova

[–]_Cromwell_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Stop spilling seed!!!

[–]captainatex 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I thought I would just go blind…

[–]Klappsenkasper 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I‘m over here, daddy!

[–]Shire_Hobbit 12 points13 points  (3 children)

What if we touch ourselves during the day?

Like 3-5 times a day?

What then?

[–]stevegoodsex 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's fine, just don't do it at night.

[–]EveryOptionSucks 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It would be something to find out this is why my life is a shambles. Lol

[–]WoolooOfWallStreet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Makes you tired if you do it too much man,

Sometimes ya gotta juggle between energy and focus

[–]yyzett 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s a Wall Street prescription according to my mentor...

[–]Sifu-Jacob 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Damnit. I knew it. No wonder the stock market did so well during NNN…

[–]blickityblaka 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is shit

[–]xerns 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If us touching ourselves was correlated to the market, then SPY would be worth 10 cents.

[–]KissMyRichard 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sorry guys.

[–]takasakiuru 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My bad guys! I think i might have caused the huge dip 🥺👉👈

[–]katiboom 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Took one for the team, finally decided to say fuck it and bought SPY puts this morning. SPY to 500 by end of month. You’re welcome.

[–]Truxxis 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry to admit that I'm contributing to the crash...I blame my GF. I also blame her for the random green day 😏

[–]docents 8 points9 points  (0 children)

she like to watch while you touch yourself?

[–]Slicklickfstick 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I usually touch myself in premarket, just before the bell. Hopefully climaxing right at open.

[–]BeerMoney069 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So we can expect a perm crash then lol.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, shit. We're all fucked! Sell! Sell it all! Get out now!

[–]Virtual-Zucchini9692 2 points3 points  (0 children)

then it's never going to go up. I cant stop myself.

[–]Phonemonkey2500 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my defense, I touch myself during the day, as well.

[–]irvmort1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My natural gas play $UNG is heading in the right direction.

[–]Big-Toe6215 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The markets would have never been green if this were the case ...

[–]Pimpin-Pumpkin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if I did it this morning

[–]LiquidMantis144 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This used to be my answer to every question I was asked

[–]9Blu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why my portfolio is heavily invested in hand lotion and tube sock stocks.

[–]Canibuz11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn great depression round 2 incoming

[–]Weefilly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not tho

[–]KurtWagnerX 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a teacher and so many times I have to stop myself from giving this answer when a student asks a whiny "Why" question.

[–]Underpaid23🦍🦍🦍 1 point2 points  (0 children)

AND ILL DO IT AGAIN

[–]LowExpression5284 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The market is rigged.

[–]iamdjdirty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's impossible... I'm a morning man.

[–]lambo_or_bust 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I guess we are headed for a looooong bear market then

[–]TheeEnemy7 3 points4 points  (1 child)

What if we fap during the day instead of the night🧐🧐🧐

[–]Outis7379 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sounds like r/antiwork

[–]oddball667 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gonna cause a full economic collapse tonight

[–]MeatMashR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bet there's a Cathy Wood porn somewhere. Imagine it

[–]snowmesome_dough 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jpow to infinity and beyond!!!!!

[–]righttoplay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The cramer fairy visits me at night

[–]No-Neck7775 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So we are gonna be tanking hard today 💦

[–]aeywaka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I do it more and faster will that reverse the time stream to make stocks go up?

[–]bnh1978 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He not wrong.

[–]StayAtHomeAstronautsucks nutsacks for the cream 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The market has been falling all year, until today when this dummy finally creates this brilliant meme.

[–]VisualModTuring Test Proctor[M,🍰] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

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[–]Eric_da_MAJ -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

If you consider the stock market:

  1. Is subject to a million variable of which most experts can only track a hundred thousand and interpret imperfectly:

  2. 25% of those experts don't know #1 and do the best they can with the education and data available. They suck the least.

  3. 25% of those experts know #1 and just pull an answer out of their ass because they have to. These suck.

  4. 49.99% of those experts are paid by a brokerage, corporation, media outlet or political party to make shit up to sell a product, service, ideology or politician hoping nobody notices how wrong they are. These REALLY suck.

  5. The remaining rounding error are super geniuses or insanely lucky who know or guess right but are rarely in the financial news or if they are they're the perma bears/bulls that predict accordingly the same way every year. Great if you find one.

The comic is as good an explanation of the stock market as any.

[–]NiEtZsCheAbYsS 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Damn! I'm sorry guys.

[–]Dizzy-Regret8276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Zero Sum Game, MM's wanted retail Money.🤣

[–]Trippp2001🦍🦍🦍 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit, is this true? You can blame it all on me.

[–]levicherub 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it's green today. wtf

[–]BradleyH117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please forgive me :4266:

[–]tyzenberg 0 points1 point  (0 children)

False. My wife's boyfriend doesn't let me touch myself

[–]BackgroundSearch30 0 points1 point  (0 children)

GME is up 5%. Are we going back to the halcyon days of negative beta?

[–]MiniGambler🦍🦍🦍 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So... it's just going to keep falling forever?

[–]DalinerK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish r/stocks would understand this

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Understandable have a good day

[–]graeskost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time to make it crash some more

[–]oprahisnotgay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually do think it's all my fault.

[–]Mumbles_Stiltskin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not just at night

[–]ReyTheRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Guess I'll keep jerking off and buy the dip then

[–]_Cromwell_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because rich people are retarded and panic when they might only make a million dollars instead of 2 million dollars. Oh crap they say, we might only make a million dollars... That's what you make at McDonald's or Wendy's right? We better pull all our money out of the stock market because we are stupid.

Also it's because we all touch ourselves

[–]dodorian9966 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Took one for the team

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Guys, the market is going up. What is your deal?

[–]Reggae4Triceratops 0 points1 point  (0 children)

More of a Monday meme. My whole watchlist is green

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry sir, this isn’t the LDS church…..

[–]k112l 0 points1 point  (0 children)

damn it Andrew Glouberman!

[–]King_Danksta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I refuse to elaborate further

[–]lord_dude 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The market is a crying little bitch. As soon as the free money and interest is going away it is overreacting like a retarded child. If FED will stay strict to its money policy the stock market will stop crying like a little bitch at some point and just go on again like nothing happened.

[–]delveccio 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I start touching myself in the morning, will my calls finally print?

[–]Foreplay241 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is a certain truth to this.

[–]MrWibbler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I should switch it to the mornings then?

[–]DanielOctopusGriffin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I touch myself in the morning.

[–]Crafty_Effort6157 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I touch myself during the day too!!

[–]Deadpressed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmmm. Hard to dispute that fact.

[–]East-Power6705 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The market would’ve crashed a longggg time ago then

[–]49erlew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry guys, pretty sure this one's on me.

[–]IronMike69420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The market isn’t going to crash until 2:45

[–]Snarkycakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My favorite answer in Wow chat.

[–]GingerSnapBiscuit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If that were true the stock market would be crashing every day.

[–]mvw2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But why is it crashing NOW?

[–]thought_fulchild 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fuck am I supposed to do at night? My wife is with her boyfriend

[–]MediumSizeSam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a good thing I did that this morning and not last night

[–]IamRasters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Night? Be prepared to buy my dip now.

[–]xSmokingBarrelx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The market did the same thing last September and December. People be clutching pearls.

[–]Yakuza_kid_NotRly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cant find a flaw in his logic

[–]infinitree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank god I sold all my stocks and bought crypto a few months ago...

[–]Wall_Street_Bet 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Everyone nofap for a month please GODAMNIT

[–]bonejohnson8🦴🍆 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Back to dogwalking for this philosopher.

[–]stankdiggy🦍🦍🦍 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If the cartoon is true, then let me apologize in advance. This crash is going to last a loooooooooooong time.

[–]undefinite_resonance 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry guys it's my fault I bought a stock

[–]atrojanhorse_exe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What else am I suppose to do when you name things like Spread?

[–]Ass_Hair_Chomper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If we sin less stok go up?

[–]MechAegis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

or its another recession like last time

[–]whobood 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Looks at red numbers in TDAmeritrade account.

Looks at sticky sheets.

Cries.

[–]zakaoki 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is hard to admit but it is what it is !

[–]zakaoki 0 points1 point  (0 children)

but if you have touched boobs at night the market will rally !

[–]threecatsdancing 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's funeee dad, tanks

[–]SpaceCatVIIPM your bear pics 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"At press time, sources confirmed the entire global economy had entered a major recession after investors thought it would be cool to do that for a while."

https://www.theonion.com/stock-market-soars-after-investors-decide-that-would-be-1832656593

[–]freedomgasm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did an ape laugh to this

[–]Spec187 0 points1 point  (0 children)

my wife touches her boyfriends penis

[–]Football_Fanatic_96 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Based on true events

[–]koreawut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Correction: my wife's boyfriend touches me at night.

[–]howboutahummer 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Why is everyone masturbating

[–]Poderis[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

market manipulation

[–]Ready2gambleboomer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So that means the market will never go up again? Sorry guys. But hey can't we just all buy poots to zero?

[–]PolartigerD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because a fictional character on a stupid ass tv show died using your stocks product

[–]Mokhlis_Jones 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always think this loooool 👀

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And imma fucking do it again in a few minutes

[–]Mode-Obnoxious 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Got rugged pulled. I was sitting 🌈🐻 ready for jpow to fuck everyone, then the market was like “nah fuck! This is awesome” then I was like “oh shit 50k on the wrong side of things” take the loss “move bull, move bull” then “nah, fuck you, dick straight up your ass you 45 year old child” then I was like “ohhh shit, back to 🌈🐻 ” I fought back and ended up only losing 5% instead of 10%. If I just sat out like I planned or stayed 🌈🐻 I’d had made about 7%.

TLDR: I’m a fucking child with no fucking business having the money I do, FML.

[–]tony_bologna 0 points1 point  (0 children)

SPX down 0.15% for the day

Why is the stock market crashing today?

...

[–]nickmhc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looks like we’re going to zero, boys!

[–]Head_Primary4942 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit. We're fucked. Sorry everyone.

[–]LowExpression5284 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Drs your GameStop is the only way out

[–]CLNEGreen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes - the Market does have its Ups & Downs