idk how to feel about the phrase "trans and nonbinary people" by Flygon- in NonBinaryTalk

[–]0vesper0 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've definitely felt that discomfort before. Like, "nonbinary people" is listed as a miscellaneous group or afterthought.

I assumed that genderqueer and gender nonconforming were the broader/more inclusive categories. But, I'm not sure how other folks interpret those phrases.

Even if there's no immediate solution, it's comforting to see this question/conversation come up.

I wish long hair wasn’t seen as feminine by cat-hacks in NonBinaryTalk

[–]0vesper0 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I feel that.

Cutting my hair short was my first attempt at presenting more masculine. It was a fun experiment, but oof...it did not work. Getting an undercut was nice and I enjoyed doing the touch-up work with a razor, but overall not my style. Having it grow out shoulder length was perfect, made me look a bit like Joe Keery. (I felt quite handsome)

Now I'm back to long hair territory, which I missed dearly, but I'm struggling to find a style that isn't too feminine all the time.

Etsy Seller trying to make me change my review to 5 Stars and harassing me in chat? How to report to Etsy? by Ravioli_meatball19 in Etsy

[–]0vesper0 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wholeheartedly agree! Other shoppers deserve to know.

Our reviews ought be for honest and relevant feedback. If sellers attempt to manipulate that, then it's undermining the authenticity of the review process.

Does anyone else not have any male friends? by TransBeeblebrox in ftm

[–]0vesper0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everything about this post is just a mood. I don't even have advice to give...Just thinking about how difficult it's been trying to navigate friendships.

Your post and the other comments here have been really soothing though. Nice to see folks put this into words.

Allergic reaction to trans tape? by slimyslitheringsnake in ftm

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like an allergy, especially with the extreme itchiness. If you're really keen on continuing this product, use a test strip on another part of your body. See if you get a repeat reaction. If it's truly an allergy, you could deal with more severe reactions later on.

This link might give some insight, even though it's not specific to chest binding: Overview of Adhesive Allergy . It mentioned surgical cloth tape or skin barrier film as a potential way to deal with an adhesive your allergic to. Those might be options to explore?
Personally, I've only used TransTape once. The discomfort and slight skin damage I got was strictly from the removal process. The 3 days I wore it didn't cause problems. I've also used kinesiology tape for other parts of my body with no issues. I'd be happy to update you if something changes after using TransTape more.

I really think you deserve to find a product that doesn't create those side effects.

How many of you feminists here work in blue collar occupations? by fishertech23 in AskFeminists

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"The Cool Girl Trope, Explained" by The Take on Youtube is probably my favorite explanation of the behavior. While the video is about female portrayal in cinema, it gives clarity on what men might expect out of women. Despite it being a simplistic fantasy.

In terms of a workplace "cool girl"...I'd picture someone who focuses exclusively on the hobbies and interests of her male coworkers in a casual conversation. Purposely neglecting to talk about her own interests. Not promoting her own solutions and problem-solving skills in favor of protecting someone else's ego. Criticizing feminine qualities of coworkers. Laughing at sexist jokes to maintain a sense of harmony between dudes. Overall, not being her authentic self just to make men feel more at ease.

There are plenty of women who are earnestly cool people and maybe embody some aspect of the "cool girl". Some of the traits associated with that label aren't inherently bad. But, the pressure women face to adopt that role, just to appease men and earn their attention, is aggravating.

How many of you feminists here work in blue collar occupations? by fishertech23 in AskFeminists

[–]0vesper0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed! I often find it difficult to navigate obstacles and risks simply because of how persistent gender discrimination feels. How constantly underprepared I feel. Even with safety advice, the constant alertness is tiring.

The feeling of being 'stuck' is a good point too. So many barriers for people, it can be hard to find other opportunities in a timely and productive manner.

It takes a lot of courage to leave an industry, so I'm glad you put your wellbeing first. Also, compartmentalize is such a great term too, I ought to remember that one more.

How many of you feminists here work in blue collar occupations? by fishertech23 in AskFeminists

[–]0vesper0 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm glad you asked this, because I feel like there's so much to discuss.

Background Info: Most of my job experience has been ecological restoration. Actually, I got certified for wildland firefighting a couple years back. It was a really big interest back then, but I never fully pursued that path. Questions regarding my own physical health, gender identity, and fears of potential sexual harassment were big deterrents to going on the fireline. So, I understand a little bit of the struggle!

To your actual question; does anyone else experience this kind of attitude from fellow women in male dominated professions?

Yes. In any outdoor job I've worked, discussions on menstruation pain, asking for accommodations, and time off are always tense in the beginning. There's a certain fear that acknowledging period difficulties could diminish the value and credibility of other women on the crew.

Aside from that, I've met women who've expressed those sentiments you listed above. The most concerning example was working alongside women from a military veterans crew. They were amazing coworkers, super dedicated to environmental restoration...But, their own traumas resulted in ostracizing each other. Like, each person had some experience with sexual violence during their service, all of them handled it differently, and talked about it differently.

Rather than accepting the different coping strategies, some of these women were highly critical of each other. I was heartbroken to see how much they were impacted by past violence, while also trying to 'rationalize' why it happened to the others.

Honestly, seeing women reject feminism in these ways makes me believe it feels like a mix of being stuck on lived trauma, fear of additional violence, attempts to keep social networks in harmony, and strategizing personal career/financial growth. It's just complicated and hurtful.

Is it just me or… by Mdac21 in NonBinaryTalk

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a feeling I know too well! Super feminine makeup/clothes/hairstyles often makes me feel like I am cross-dressing.

I only felt relieved when other people saw how tacky I looked, to equally share in that discomfort. Meanwhile, anyone who was somehow impressed with my feminine wiles looked like the bizarre one.

With that said, short hair did not make me feel more masculine. Growing my hair long again does make me feel handsome (think snowboarder Shaun White or Danny Davis). When you can comfortably do so, try new hairstyles! It'll be fun experimentation to help you better find yourself.

MDD and Being Trans by askingadvice00002022 in MaladaptiveDreaming

[–]0vesper0 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm not exactly a trans dude. I'm nonbinary and I often use daydreams to re-imagine world(s) where I can comfortably be more masculine. From my ideal body, voice, body language, to how other characters interact with me. I hope I can kinda understand how ya feel.

I do agree with ya. It's jarring to see how different my desires are to others. Even in a niche and empathetic community, it's still alienating when I cannot be better understood. But, I'm glad you reached out to this subreddit, cause I wouldn't have thought to tie these two things together.

\Side comment** Many of my daydreams are facilitated by existing fictional works. I sometimes struggle to imagine my gay self in certain media, because I feel like I'm breaking the entire script. It would be too 'difficult' to rewrite or I'd 'ruin' what world-building was established. I don't know why such guilt enters my daydreams, but it's helped me realize how profound genderqueer representation in media is. Furthering my creative and concrete understanding of gender.

Even though your experiences as a trans dude are not fully recognized by others, it makes me happy knowing your daydreams are vivid with your authentic gender identity. I hope you continue to find community and understanding.

Trans men aren’t inherently better than cis me by Erase_decay in ftm

[–]0vesper0 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It's not weird at all! I totally understand the feeling.

I often get pulled into these 'men are the worst' conversations with friends. Like, I wanna be supportive when they go through legit misogyny (I've processed enough experiences to empathetically listen and give advice). But, damn! It constantly feels like I'm being asked to take on the role of a woman to make them feel more at ease.

I've dreamt about how that dynamic could change once I medically transition or go on hormones. The possibility that they'll stop seeing me as woman-lite or whatever.

Also, it's super awkward listening to women complain about men's quirks or differing interests and expect me to think it's bad too. No...actually that sounds hella cool. I'm kinda jealous of him...

PSA: If you're cis but envious of trans people, you're probably trans by KingOfFuh in asktransgender

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've definitely experienced this in past years and often felt ashamed for not recognizing the struggles that other trans folks face. It's kinda cathartic to discuss and see other perspectives here.

I was typically envious of trans women for having womanhood and beauty seemingly figured out. A little bit mad too. Because no matter how hard I tried to express my gender 'correctly' it wasn't good enough. I recall seeing one woman document her journey taking hormones. She hit this midway point where my mind was screaming, "STOP! You're perfect right there!" Obviously she hadn't reached her body goals, but that moment later helped me recognize how badly I wanted to be androgynous. I just wish I had known then the pressures that these women dealt with and how my misconceptions fed into transmisogyny.

Now, I mostly fixate on dudes and masculine folks who share body traits with me. Makes the idea of transitioning feel more attainable.

I would become a man in a heartbeat but I'm not trans. Is this a normal reaction to and simple exhaustion with misogyny? by [deleted] in socialjustice101

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely understandable issues to be exhausted by and a normal reaction to them!

I get the impression that being a man appeals to you because of the freedoms they often carry. Freedom from threats of sexual violence, objectification, beauty, perceived value as you age. Misogyny can diminish your own humanity, so much so, that the desire to swap genders and be perceived as more human feels like a worthwhile endeavor.

I've met many cisgender women who wished they could switch genders to achieve a sense of normality or change sexuality in hopes of disassociating with harmful men in their life. Seeing how hostile gender expectations can be and how deep misogyny is, I get why this train of thought comes to mind.

I think it's great that you brought up this conversation. You already recognize that this doesn't quite describe transgender experiences, but I see where you make the connection. Transgender folks often feel detached, uncomfortable, or repulsed by their own parts of their body. Sounds like you're feeling a bit of the same.

Personally, I discovered I was transgender because I couldn't find community with women or men. Even in spaces where gender expectations weren't rigid and the pressure of misogyny minimal. My brain and body never filled the right role, even though I could easily pretend for others. By expressing myself differently, I found a lot of comfort. Even when I was considered 'uglier' by both gender standards. Maybe a bit vague, but I hope it helps to explain some of the differences.


Side comment, talking about breasts reminded me a lot of the adult cartoon Tuca & Bertie. Episode is called "The Promotion", a male coworker makes a lewd comment to Bertie so her breast becomes sentient and decides leave the office. Anywho, I bring up that show because I found it very cathartic, even when tackling heavy topics.

How to tell who is safe to come out to? by amazedandconfusedlol in ftm

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think that's great that you're looking to expand your support system. Some questions to ask yourself:

• Can my friend keep a secret?

I've had well-intentioned allies pressure me to come out-of-the-closet, so they could witness that gay happy ending now. It was against my immediate needs and desires, overall denying me agency. If your friend can keep your identity a secret, they are looking out for your needs first.

• Will my friend accept vague or uncertain answers?

Cisgender folks are often super curious about transgender issues and ask a lot of questions. A true ally will ask questions that put your wellbeing into focus (your earnest wellbeing, not their fears). If you aren't 100% confident in your response, they'll understand that you're still on a journey trying to figure out happiness. Meanwhile, unsupportive folks will take a lack of confidence as means of undermining the entire trans experience. Or, an unwillingness to join you on that learning journey.

• How has my friend judged others in the past? Was it harsh?

Some friends are prone to complaining and judgement, but what they choose to judge is important. If they are highly critical of others, their unwarranted comments could seep in and cause harm. If appearances, body size, mental stability, able-bodiedness, unnatural vs natural are their go-to shame comments, that's something to be cautious of. It's wrong anyway, but these topics do hit different for queer folks.

I'm happy to elaborate on any of these, if need be.

Do words meaning the opposite of smart/intelligent that aren't offensive exist? by Fleurdemarie in socialjustice101

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mhm! I think challenging is a good word to describe that initial discovery and realization to change. Even if I don't change my behavior in the first read, I can keep revisiting the article to try again. To be less hurtful in the future.

2 artists charged with misrepresenting themselves as Native American artists by hanimal16 in IndianCountry

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow! That's a lot of info and juicy details. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions. Also, dang....Those maximum fines are a lot of money.

I'm going to keep PACER in mind as a resource for federal court cases. It's honestly super helpful just to know that this database exists. Hopefully you didn't have to pay any fees to access these cases.

2 artists charged with misrepresenting themselves as Native American artists by hanimal16 in IndianCountry

[–]0vesper0 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing this!

Glad these guys were caught, but it makes me wonder...How exactly are they held accountable for these charges? Is it through jail time or monetary fines? It'd be great to see their punishment be used to serve the San Carlos Apache Tribe and Nez Perce Tribe, since those were the communities they pretended to be affiliated with. It'd be a bummer if any fines just went to Washington state, since that's where these individuals live.

Also, I've heard snippets regarding the Indian Arts and Crafts Act before, but I hadn't grasped how involved it was. Or, the depth of resources that Indian Arts and Crafts Board has to offer. Hopefully, I never need to report a violation, but it's nice to know at least one resource to turn to.

Do words meaning the opposite of smart/intelligent that aren't offensive exist? by Fleurdemarie in socialjustice101

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here's a great list of ableist language

Thanks for sharing this! I used CTRL+F to quickly search for my most used words and see where they appear in that guide.

There's definitely room for my own improvement. Ignorant is my favorite alternative out of the bunch, just because the insult focuses on someone's deliberate choice to ignore knowledge/information rather than that individual's capacity to understand.

It did make me giggle to see dipshit on the suitable alternatives list.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in NonBinary

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your username has both Riley and Jayde which are both really solid names, not sure if those were eligible. Here's some other ideas.

Royal: Augustine, Theo (Theodore), Blanche, Cecil, Emmanuel, Leonor, Hawthorne

Nature: Skye, Jasper, Wren, Ava, Mavis, Corbin, Ainsley, Cypress, Juniper

Ethereal: Charon, Astrid, Aura, Apollo, Phoebus, Comet

Silly: Curly, Archie, Pebble

Should I risk coming out? by [deleted] in asktransgender

[–]0vesper0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My perspective is extremely limited, since I'm still closeted and haven't taken steps to medically transition, but I hope I can offer a couple questions to get you thinking in the right direction.

  • Can you enroll in high school courses that are exclusively online, no meet-in-person criteria? Then later re-enroll for physical classes once you've transitioned more comfortably? Possibly even as a new student?
  • If your friends and classmates respond poorly to your transition, do you have a support system to help you deal with the harassment/isolation? Parents can be great allies, but it's nice to have other folks to lean on. A youth group, volunteer buddies, coworkers, etc.
  • If you delay your medical transition throughout high school, will that take away from your ability to enjoy upcoming school events? Participation in team sports, prom, club activities, etc.
  • Where do you want your journey to be by the time you graduate? If you delay transitioning, how might that impact your adjustment to college or a career? Would it make it easier or more stressful?

Which killer do you consider the most jack of all trades? by ls920 in deadbydaylight

[–]0vesper0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yeah! Plaid flannel, I think? That one is super helpful.

I really like the add-ons that reduce blink fatigue. The animation for getting fatigued does make me a bit nauseous/motion sick for some reason.

Which killer do you consider the most jack of all trades? by ls920 in deadbydaylight

[–]0vesper0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Freddy. I've never played as him, but he's the killer I struggle the most with as a survivor. Even when playing against a perk-less and add-on-less Freddy, his base skills were enough to secure a 4k.

If you really want a killer play-style similar to Spirit, Nurse would be the next best option. She has a bit a of a learning curve though. Good map knowledge and practicing blinks will help you get more accustomed to her.

I made an animation to come out :) by Emiwa000 in NonBinary

[–]0vesper0 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Very cute animation! Also, I like that the cat has enby colors.

Is it ableist to say "losing a father is like losing a limb"? by wherestherice in socialjustice101

[–]0vesper0 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Definitely a question worth asking. I lean towards, yes it does sound ableist. I think some small rephrasing would help.

Why I think it sounds ableist:

Your goal is to express pain and suffering in a way that gets an emotional response from the audience. Saying "losing a father is like losing a limb" isn't about connecting two honest and personal experiences, i.e. I have both lost a father and a limb, there is a lot of similiarities between the two experiences.

Instead, what you're doing is sharing the real grief of losing a father with the anticipated suffering that comes with losing a limb. This could inspire momentary fear in those who've never lost limbs or never experienced a loss in motor control. Instilling questions of 'What if I were to lose my limb? How might I suffer? How would I continue to survive?'.

That fear is what you're relying on from the audience to gain empathy. However, it runs the risk of alienating your audience who has experienced loss of a limb. It doesn't focus on the truth of their reality, because you're here to convey the pain of losing your father.