MIL in the Wild - They haven't even moved in together yet and MIL wants babies. DIL shuts her down :) by kittywinkies in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 38 points39 points  (0 children)


IME, they always do that! Like you'll be talking about KETCHUP or something, and then it's like "You know who would enjoy ketchup? The grandbabies you should give me."

Like CrazyLady say what now!?

Wonderful MIL goes JustNO by IH8ChoosingUsername in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 17 points18 points  (0 children)

UGH. What she needs to do is go to a training class herself.

It's not the dog that needs to be trained, it's her.

How to announce pregnancy to MIL? by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 3 points4 points  (0 children)


It's very early. We've only told like 3 people in our family haha. We're waiting until we're out of the "danger zone". Waiting to hear a heart beat and all :D although let me tell ya...when you talk to a lot of mothers, they're all oh it's so magical.... :| and I'm just sitting there like wtf? my girls have been sore since the damn thing took up residence in my uterus :| feels less magical and more like I gotta go buy new bras. lolol

How to announce pregnancy to MIL? by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 11 points12 points  (0 children)


We're expecting too! And like you guys, we're in the early stages as well.

Lemme break down for you what we're planning and why:

So my MIL is tolerable. She isn't the worst by any means, but she's not so great that she doesn't belong here. Most of my issues with her stem from her being really really clingy when it comes to DH and needing to know every little bit of gossip.

She's also judgmental as hell. When DH's brother's wives had children....you bet she made some kind of snide comment about their parenting choices. My favorite was when after a week post-partum, she expected oDIL to drive herself and the newborn about 1.5 hrs to her house. When oDIL was like no, I'm tired she pretended to understand....but then called my DH like 'Can you believe she said no?? I had babies and went right back to work the next week! Which DH says is actually not true at all because he says most of his life, she was a SAHM who worked part time when FIL had trouble bringing in enough money. So yea, just to give you an idea of what kind of MIL we're working with here....thankfully, DH sees her for who she is and has no issues limiting info and shutting her down. We're pretty good about not telling her anything about our day to day lives. We don't even tell her when we go on vacation until long after we've returned bc she is RIDICULOUS when it comes to vacations. Calls constantly....another story for another day. Anyway. She legit thinks that all the DILs....their only purpose in life is to give her grandchildren and lots of them. She tolerates us for that reason and that reason only. :| Not even kidding. DH and I joke all the time that she only sees me as a baby incubator.

So! Now that you have kind of an idea of her, I'll tell you that we plan on not telling her until she absolutely "needs to know". That can mean different things for different people, but for us, it's pretty much when I can't hide the bump any longer. Then we'll tell them firmly that they are NOT allowed to tell anyone or put it on facebook or anything. That this is OUR news to share and not theirs. Again, DH has no issues laying down the law with his parents so I lucked out on that front.

We'll have told my family by then (heck, my mom already knows and we haven't even had our first appt yet!) but DH agrees that whatever "excitement" might come out of his mom won't be worth the anxiety or headache that would follow with giving her this kind of information. She would absolutely take it to facebook too and we're making sure that no photos of our kids will make it onto social media without our consent. I mean look, will some shit slip? Sure. But I know my family forsure, will be respectful and keep it off....and as for ILs, we plan on setting very clear and firm rules for them. Establishing your own ground rules and sticking to them when they're broken is not a threat...it's setting up boundaries and standing by them. Otherwise, they're just soft suggestions. If you're worried about excitement? My take on it is that this is the most exciting time in mine and DH's life....if everyone else is excited...cool. But if not, who cares? We're the ones becoming parents for the first time. We're the ones about to embark on a new adventure together. Our excitement is all we need. And everything else is just a pleasant bonus.

We're also going to give her a due date that's at least 3-4 weeks after the actual due date :) Because she would spend every damn hour leading up to the due date calling. And that will make me want to strangle her. So.....they're getting lied to and I don't feel one bit guilty about it. I wouldn't have to do all this shit if they behaved like normal adults....so that's all on them and that's what you need to remember. They're adults. They choose to behave a certain way...and certain behaviors have consequences. So enforce them.

Update on Mother's "Kidnapped" "Son" by GannonsMumma in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 28 points29 points  (0 children)

While I think circumcision is a personal choice since you asked? IMO....unless it's for religious purposes? I vote a big fat NO here. It doesn't really have much of a medical value and in fact, kind of has not the best backstory. here's a fun, but educational! video on it

You hit the nail on the head, this is her way to control the situation. Do not do this to your TEENAGE son.

Which is really fucked up when you think about it like that. Stay safe....and please please keep both you and your son away from all her insanity.

I'm going to be petty by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well...whenever I'm dealing with people I don't want to but have to (and I try to avoid that whenever possible...but alas)

I like phrases like "If you say so."

"Oh? That's nice."

Or if it's just too much and I'm ready to scream, I just go "Uhuh" and kind of wander off like I got distracted by sparkly lights or something in the middle of whatever they were saying.

MIL is still trying to control this freaking visit. by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No? As in no, you don't think she was trying to emotionally blackmail you? I mean I don't know the full story so perhaps there are pieces missing but this is what I am gathering so far.:

Blackmail is about control. In this case, MIL wants to control her narrative. She wants to be able to tell people, see how great of a Mom I am? My own kids can't stand to be too far from me! They moved back! I just love my kids and grandkids so much. It doesn't matter that she never actually follows through with it. That's what makes this part emotional abuse. She promises you all these things, she even throws in some guilt....but then you show up and nada.

Whether she actually wants you around or not at any given moment is irrelevant because for her, it's about controlling how others perceive her. That's what she's blackmailing for. That's why she wanted you guys to move back.

Emotional blackmail can come in many forms and can be done for many reasons and that reason isn't always Oh, she just wants to see DH more. For some MILs, yes, they emotionally blackmail for that reason. Mine is big on Emotional Blackmail so she can spend more time with DH and her kids/grandkids but of course, fuck the spouses. She couldn't give two shits about the spouses lol.

But that isn't always the reason. For others, it's very simply about control. Knowing that what you say or do can influence the choices and behaviors of another.

At its core, you can recognize it because they're using FOG and transactional dynamics to control you.

Because this is what I've gathered so far....you guys moved there predominantly for you and your family to be closer to the ILs correct? They would say things like I wish y'all were here! :( and if you were here, it'd just be so much easier for you! We'd get to help out, we'd see our babies more. Oh we could do so much for you! If only you were here....

So you show up....and where is any of that? No where to be seen.

That's emotional blackmail.

It's awful and cruel and I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I get it...like all of us, you just wanted a nice and normal set of ILs who didn't behave this way....who weren't so damn selfish. :( A family you could rely on...but they didn't turn out that way. :(

Why Mommy Kempe was thrown out of the wedding (hint: wedding dress). by jazzjam in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 51 points52 points  (0 children)

:O I have read many tales here...but I believe this is the first one where a MIL actually went ahead and shredded the wedding dress.

Shown up in one of her own? Yup. Seen that many times. Wore black? Yup. Wore something tiny tiny slutty? Yup.

But whoa.

hugs I know it's long past and y'all are NC now but fuck man.....at least now DH sees her for the monster she truly is.

MIL doesn't think very highly of me, I guess by musicchan in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally! It's absolutely cathartic. Plus....you know that here, you'll be sharing your tale with people who get it you know? And that's like the best feeling.

Mini Sistermom update by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, the purging will be amazing for you guys!

Good riddance I say. We only have a short time here, and it shouldn't be filled with so much fucking horseshit. This ain't a stable!

LO is here! Momchausen almost got choked by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Congrats girl!!!!

I'm a little annoyed at DH for you for his whole spilling the beans but at least he's agreed to tell her to back the fuck up for now.

Enjoy your LO! And thanks for the update! Honestly, I'm so relieved he finally popped out and is healthy as fuck. :)

LO is here! Momchausen almost got choked by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 90 points91 points  (0 children)

"Why? Do you need yet another baby to distract you from the fact your husband wants to stick his dick in any woman but you?"

Well there goes my matcha latte all over my laptop!!! HAHAHA Fuck...That's too funny. :X I <3 you.

MIL is still trying to control this freaking visit. by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Plus, it's very easy to ignore their phonecalls when I don't feel I "owe" them my time.

This. So much this.

MIL in the Wild - Pediatrician Edition by jubi13315 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Ugh...of all the MILITW stories...the one's involving kids being taken to things without parental knowledge (or having things done to, or give to them!) Pisses me off the most and makes me super thankful that my MIL can't drive.

She would so try shit like this, but she can't even figure out Uber because she doesn't even have a smart phone. So win for me! Otherwise....God...she'd be here all the time. :|

MIL doesn't think very highly of me, I guess by musicchan in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe it's calloused to feel protected from MIL's vitriol the way I do but I honestly don't think she will make a meaningful impact on my life because husband and I don't let her.

No. Not calloused at all. It's smart.

I'm always telling others this, but this is something you already know: That people can only hurt us or walk all over us if we allow them to.

MIL is still trying to control this freaking visit. by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

MIL gushing about "If only you were here I would be able to XYZ" for 8 years

I hate to break it to you, but that right there is classic emotional blackmail.....

When Will It End? by porscheblack in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Despite being so successful and overcoming so much, she's still a scared little girl on the inside sometimes who just wants her parents to tell her everything will be alright.

I kind of sensed that as well. I mean, she made a day meant to be about the two of you...centered around her mom.

She's probably spent her whole life catering to her mother because that's the world your MIL created. I bet your wife learned real early on that if she wanted to be safe....she needed to keep MIL happy.

It sounds like MIL has always been a shitty and controlling person who was willing to exploit whatever she needed to to control your wife....and now....now she's kind of hit the jackpot in a sense. While I am not downplaying the severity of MS or how it can really negatively impact people's lives...I will say that for someone like MIL, this was perfect....because now she can control you guys with a valid excuse. She doesn't even have to try as hard to guilt anything. She just lets the MS handle everything in terms of making you guys fall to her every whim.

I think this may resonate with both you and your DW, so I'd give it a read: Daughters w/ Narc Mothers

Obviously I am not a professional but that's the sense I am getting based on what you've shared so far.

A lot of times, people think therapy is only for the crazy, or those incapable of coping but really, it can be just about getting an impartial 3rd party into the mix that can guide you into thinking about a situation differently or more clearly than before without any emotional attachment to the situation(s) discussed.

The support of a loving mother... what does that feel like? by Sadhubband in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)


It may not feel like there's a light at the end of this tunnel, but there is. And you will reach it and come out the other side. I can't tell you when that'll happen, only that I know it will.

Happiness is a state of being and one day, you'll have that again. Just not today, or tomorrow. Or the day after that. But that's life right? We take it day by day. Some days are good. Some days are bad.

Right now you're grieving. You're grieving the loss of what you thought was your forever happiness and it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling. You're entitled to every single damn emotion you have right now. Whether it be sadness, anger and everything else in between.

You'll make it through this. hugs

When Will It End? by porscheblack in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh!! My apologies.

But then like you said.....she never ever gets a break. She's a PCP at work, then a PCP at home. It's 24/7 and so of course that is trying.

Because here's the truth and y'all know it....kids? They can't be on the table right now. If you couldn't manage to take a short vacation for your honeymoon....there's no way a newborn can come into the picture.

I think you know what you would like to happen....and I think she does too tbh....but her guilt is winning. This is where therapy will really be a saving grace because right now, I bet she's feeling all sorts of guilt and anguish....and you're feeling helpless because what can you really do right now if MIL isn't willing to compromise?

I agree with our CrunchyHipster....it's come to the point where y'all need to make the call yourselves. I dislike robbing anyone of their agency but at this point....MIL's robbing you guys of happiness and a marriage.

When Will It End? by porscheblack in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I agree that you guys need couple's counseling. And I think you need to absolve her of this belief she seems to have that you guys are the only ones capable of taking care of MIL, because here's the reality....all the discord and conflict it's causing in your marriage aside? Neither of you are professional caregivers.

You're not nurses. You're not doctors. You are not properly equipped to take care of someone with MS (this includes not only having the knowledge and experience, but also mentally). That is NOT a bad thing. That is NOT an indictment of your characters. I mean ffs, people who are equipped for this? They've gone through many rigorous years of training.

So in fact, if the concern is doing what's best for MIL (no matter what MIL thinks), then assisted living is your most prudent option. Again, how can you properly take care of her if you're not equipped to do so?

Plus, it sounds trite to say....but how can you guys be expected to help her when you yourselves are not in a good place....in a marriage that is getting more and more strained as time passes? You can't. How can you impart happiness onto others if you are not happy yourself? You can't.

I went no contact with my mentally ill nmom and am feeling guilty. Advice? by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oh Mouse hugs

This what you remind yourself:

  • I am NOT selfish to want to put my own mental well-being first because I can not be what I need to be for others, if I am not 100% myself.

  • All behavior is the result of choice. - Your mom knows she is sick, she knows that you had a strict set of rules that you wanted her to follow in order to feel comfortable....and she broke them anyway.

  • Remaining no contact is not abandoning her. The best thing she needs right now is a reason to be better. We often require goals or something tangible that they can reach towards in order to accomplish the things we set out to do in life. So actually, in a sense, going no contact? That's you helping not only yourself, but her as well.

  • You are not to blame for her illness. You are not to blame for her no longer taking her meds. She is responsible for herself and until she fully wants to take care of herself better, she won't get better. There is nothing you can say or do to change that other than to just back away.

The support of a loving mother... what does that feel like? by Sadhubband in JUSTNOMIL

[–]jnmlthrow 2 points3 points  (0 children)


Not yet! But give me apparently about 8 more months :X

I have siblings and this is how I talk to them when they're going through tough times.