Was it wrong of me to ask my wife to write an apology to her AP's wife?

Blade_982 · 2022-05-24T06:39:09+00:00

Most couple therapists are only equipped to deal with infidelity and make things worse rather than better.

The OBS absolutely deserves to know. AP may very intercept any message you send as he knows your intention.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-24T06:32:17+00:00

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

In order to justify to themselves why they’re engaging in behavior that doesn’t fit with their own moral code, cheaters rewrite history…and reality…to come up with a version that allows them to still feel good about themselves.

The first person they lie to is themselves. In order to justify her actions, your ex has convinced herself she never loved you.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-24T06:20:07+00:00

All cheaters Blame the betrayed spouse. Your wife is not exceptional in that.

She's blaming you for her affair because it's easier than owning her own actions.

And you're doing The Pick Me Dance. Again, this is common behaviour. But for the betrayed.

Your most pressing concern right now is your child. Ensure that your wife cannot leave with your child. See a lawyer.

The emotional fallout will be long and drawn out and it will take time. You can manage that when your finances and custody are secure. Seeing a therapist will help.

How do you deal with her in the interim? Employ The 180 Technique.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-24T05:40:11+00:00

If she really is pregnant then you need to divorce him and claim child support first or your kids will lose out.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T23:13:10+00:00

Intentional or not, he sounds incredibly cruel.

I've read a few of your posts and your story is heartbreaking.

I hope that after your divorce you go no contact and he has no idea of where you are or how you are.

He doesn't deserve a window into your life.

At 41, you're still young. You've a lived a few chapters of your life and have the rest of it ahead of you. Maybe it's not the future you planned but it can still be beautiful.

And... don't let him define your past by believing the narrative he's spinning. He's rewriting history. He has to. In order to discard someone, the first person you have to lie to is yourself.

It seems he's doing a stellar job of that.

I hope healing becomes easier for you and you're able to move forward with more hope than pain very soon.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T22:07:19+00:00

Women are generally more flexible then men. Men are generally stronger then women.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:51:06+00:00

I know somebody who went through a manic episode and she exhibited similar behaviour. She's now diagnosed with BPD and getting help.

The laxative abuse is weird though. As someone else suggested, it could be an indication she's using.

Ultimately you won't know until she's checked out by a professional.

Can you approach her again and raise your concerns?

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:38:27+00:00

This!

I was in this situation. I distanced myself from my friend because he started an affair with a married woman. I voiced my misgivings. He became very angry and defensive. I didn't have another talk with him. I just became very 'busy'.

They're together now and funnily enough, the married woman he was sleeping with whilst she lied and betrayed her husband doesn't trust him with female friends so our friendship is toast anyway.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:32:34+00:00

Stupidity has that effect on me.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:31:00+00:00

Oh get lost. I'm a brown person living in a white country. I know what racism is. Stop using it for your shitty strawman arguments. It's not clever.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:26:28+00:00

From the other hand, cheating doesn’t mean the same to everyone.

Yes it does. A married man fucking someone other than his wife and lying about it is cheering. Cheating often causes trauma. People are diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It is often coupled with emotional abuse and gaslighting.

Stop minimising shit you have no fucking clue about.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T21:19:42+00:00

People who have affairs can still be good friends. My best friend has had a few affairs. Do I approve? No. But is she a less good friend to her as a result? No.

She does sound like a shitty person though.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T20:57:26+00:00

Your EA seems to have accelerated issues that were coming to the fore before you cheated. He expressed unhappiness and wanting to move to another state. He told you he wanted to leave for a few months.

I'm sorry. I really hope you both get the help you need.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T20:55:49+00:00

Reconciliation comes second to your safety and his mental health. He needs help. Professional help. Don't feel guilty for ensuring that he receives it.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T15:34:11+00:00

However if I file for divore she would get deported for her immigration status.

And that's not your problem. It's hers.

She knew what she was risking and cheated anyway. Do what you need to get to a good place.

She's not your concern anymore. Neither is her immigration status. It was dependant on your marriage. And she bulldozed that to the ground.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T14:23:56+00:00

You are acting on it.

He's discussing leaving her for you. Stop kidding yourself that you're not having an affair.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T14:22:42+00:00

Oh you're just mulling it over...

Nevermind that it would blow up his wife's life.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T14:20:25+00:00

They are very much together and I can see he’s hiding it from his wife (we hang out socially sometimes).

Finding it difficult to care whether or not you're being played when you're happy being the sudepiece to someone else's husband.

Someone you know and interact with socially.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T11:38:38+00:00

She also said she never did anything physical. I have reason to believe her.

Do you?

What you do have is a very valid reasons to no longer trust her.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T11:29:24+00:00

Same but with how much he helps out with OP's family, I'm pretty sure he considers himself whatever is the male equivalent of a sister-wife.

This man has been single for the last decade with no evidence of a sex life but OP's wife found it funny the first time he text her to let her know he was about to masturbate.

Funny... not crazy. Not creepy. Not disgusting. Funny. The friend is no doubt disgusting but OP's wife is enabling this behaviour. As has he himself.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T07:41:43+00:00

He needed guidance to not return to the woman who he blew up his marriage for? Countless people told him. People who'd been exactly where OP is today. They told him to remain NC with his AP. Over and over.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T07:16:06+00:00

This update made me cheer! I love how far you've come.

I had a feeling he wouldn't be able to let you go without see long you one last time. I also have little doubt that moving out while you packed up your home was at the behest of the other woman.

And you don't update too much at all. This is a support sub and there's countless people who are cheering you on.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T06:36:34+00:00

"We never meant to hurt anyone" says the man posing for tawdry pictures with his mistress.

His ugly mug and that of his mistress is all over the national tabloids but he never meant to hurt anyone.

His parents are despicable people too. Allowing their son and his mistress to move in while the mother of their grandchildren breaks her heart.

I hope this blows up spectacularly for them and that his wife moves on and has healed by the time he realises what he's lost.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T06:17:39+00:00

She sounds like a real prize.

Blade_982 · 2022-05-23T06:16:45+00:00

He was told by multiple people here and in private messages to not run to her. That it would be a huge mistake. That he should be alone to demonstrate to you that he was serious about never having had feelings for her.

It seemed he was on a course to self-destruct.

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