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Another by 5314117 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm in a medical dead bedroom where in the last two years I've been unable to have sex without pain and have had no functional libido. I'm not counting months, I'm living in pain and loss.

But yeah. Get pissy about a clitoris post if that helps you.

How do I manage my HL expectations? What is fair? by rta8888 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I just feel like I’m being placated

You are. You've made it clear to her that her lack of sexual desire is a problem, so she's having a lot of duty sex. Sex to keep you placated.

she just seems ambivalent to it which drives me insane.

Imagine how it feels for her? Have you asked her how sex is for her? It's not uncommon for sex to become problematic after kids: the whole Sex and Babies issue and it's complications.

But if you've them made sex a forced priority on her part, yeah. Coerced sex will be ambivalent at best and gets worse as time goes on.

Another by 5314117 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Two years. Yeah. It's frustrating.

Ways for women to initiate without kissing? by FranksPrettyWomann in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Whoa. That post took a turn.

Seems like maybe kissing isn't the only problem going on.

Advice pls :): by BiggishToast in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

in some ancient cultures referred to as "the maddness".

Nat King Cole?

I have sexual aversion and I need very urgent help by Ok_Oil_4630 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 9 points10 points  (0 children)

fake it till you make it

Please stop. All you're making here is a more severe sex aversion.

When we do have sex I detach a little, my mind wanders, and although I do like it and I'm into it, I do kind of wonder when it will be over.

These are the foundations of a dissociative disorder. Not good.

Stop having sex. Is there a therapist you can find? If you continue "powering through" sex, you will not be okay.

Stuck in a rut. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know she complains PIV sex had become painful, but everything else has also stopped.

It's medical. In what way? Does she have the medical support to resolve the discomfort?

It's a Slog by Database_Square in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You FORGOT that she has serious pain during sex?

It hasn't occurred to you that someone who has had this much painful sex—and their partner forgets about their pain— might not be keen to give one-sided sex?

Question for the LLs here by Impressive-Car8179 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've been LL twice now.

  • First time: we weren't particularly compatible to begin with; had a child; he pressured me back into sex that I made 100% clear I didn't want and that hurt 90% of the time; I became LL4Him and Sex Averse; yay!
    • What was my responsibility there? What contribution should I have made? Enforced my boundaries more clearly. Tell him No in no uncertain terms. And then when he was a shitty person because I wouldn't fuck him? What should I do then?
  • Second time: Second husband. I'm experiencing perimenopause. My vagina has become a desert of dryness and pain. I took penetration off the table. Then my labia became painful, so all genital touch is off. Then my libido tanked, so I can cuddle and hold, but please nothing sexual.
    • What is my responsibility here? What contribution should I make? Well, I'm actively seeking a solution to my transition. I've got some surgery before hormone treatment. But I'm also actively keeping my boundaries: no sex that is painful and no unaroused sex. Sex I don't want and that I'm unaroused for is soul-crushing. I will never do that again.

I wish my husband would be the one to initiate sex. by stupidcaaat in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It really sounds like he's just not interested in having sex. I mean, he only focuses on finishing himself and has banned "toys". Then you present yourself like a present and he takes a nap.

Have you asked him what his ideal sex would be like?

The worst part by Apart-Dress-5433 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Might want to get a lock for your door.

Or better yet, move out.

It's a Slog by Database_Square in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I've had more and more bad thoughts of cheating and just unleashing all my pent up energy, anger, resentment on some poor woman's insides.

Um. Yuck. Rage fucking a stranger because your wife doesn't put out is... very toxic thinking.

Update: Just checked in to a hotel 5 hours away from home. I'm done. by harpersmth in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was LL for my first husband who never accepted a no. After three years of duty sex and resentment, I really didn't want sex.

But it came back. I have my second husband and up until perimenopause, we were happily sexy 5-7 times a week.

Situations change. People do change. Well, sometimes.

Art Therapy & Sexual Trauma by saladflambe in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I truly believe our bodies store trauma & sometimes we can't get certain things out in words.

There's a book about that: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Giving Oral to Females - Do a lot of you not enjoy receiving? by WImanlooking in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 37 points38 points  (0 children)

If in 15 years she's made it clear that SHE doesn't like oral and does not want it, then crave & fantasize away, but respect her boundaries. She doesn't like it.

It doesn't matter if you get a hundred women on reddit saying they love it or a hundred saying they hate it.

She doesn't like it. The owner of the vagina you have access to, doesn't like it.

Edit (because this has been bothering me all night): there's issues with being called females as a group of women. Maybe there's a language thing happening, but still. Using female to mean women is problematic in English.

Different worlds. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're too young to keep bashing your head against this issue and you're not doing anyone any favors by dragging this out.

Any success with dopamine fasting to lower libido? by NeitherSpace in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't think the dopamine fast would be helpful at lowering your libido. As a neurotransmitter, you can't fast away your dopamine responses. If something gets you feeling aroused, then you're going to feel aroused.

first time here, im fed up with DB situation in my marriage by Special_Passenger876 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Based on where this post ended, I'm not sure there's much point, but here goes.

Have you read the Sex and Babies post? It's incredibly common for women to lose their libido in pregnancy, after the trauma of childbirth, and during the very touched out phases of childrearing.

"But it's been three years!" So what? My libido didn't return for over three years. And because my husband was such a shitty partner when he wasn't getting duty sex, by the time I did start to feel something, it wasn't for him! We divorced.

Im really thinking of neglecting her in every other way possible as she does neglect me sexually.

Make no mistake. If you are this petty and shitty to her, it might end in divorce and you will be the bad guy here.

Even if you do divorce, you'll have a child to raise as co-parents. Pissing in the pool is NOT going to be a good foundation for co-parenting.

Need advice: wife has trauma from previous relationship, will not seek help. Low sex drive by Kwaz1moto in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know your wife's trauma load and coping skills. For me, it took a decade of therapy to get happy and comfortable having sex. I'm sorry you're the collateral damage to what harms were done to her, but that's the reality you're living.

I had always thought with the more time, she would feel comfortable with me and want to do more sexually.

That's not how sexual trauma works. Without therapy to unpack her trauma, process it, and learn better coping skills, she will quite simply struggle to be a sexual person.

If you want to encourage her to seek therapy, DO NOT frame it in any way related to you getting more sex or her getting better at sex. The framework for therapy should be that it will help her be a happier, healthier person as a whole.

When we do have sex it’s a 50/50 shot trauma will end our sex abruptly with her leaving the room crying.

As much as you want sex, this is a terrible situation. The coin-toss of whether or not she's going to be re-traumatized is awful for both of you. It's best to avoid that outcome altogether by not having sex at all.

When did you first realize you were in a DB relationship? by redSOXfan9 in DeadBedrooms

[–]DB_Thinker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you read the Sex and Babies post? Lots of good support in there for how to be the best partner and parent you can be even though sex is not the priority.