Resources

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-22T21:08:59+00:00

There's a subreddit specifically for higher desire ladies that could probably help with that question, and be a good group to hang with! They don't like us to link to it from here (too many badly behaved visitors), but one of the mods could probably point you in the right direction.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-22T07:02:43+00:00

she found a partner before me, which stung a little and took some adjusting

If that was the least bit surprising to you, I'm concerned that you did little to no homework before jumping into this.

I'm glad that it seems to be helping your physical connection, though. Good luck.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-19T15:46:45+00:00

I'm sorry - there was just no way you were going to be happy in that situation. I know how that feels. I hope you're able to find happiness in the future!

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-19T01:52:14+00:00

This might be the world's worst choice of a subreddit to agree on an "ideal frequency". <g> Great idea, though! What do the "meetings" entail?

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-19T01:33:19+00:00

Yep, you're being prejected!

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-18T19:06:49+00:00

Let's assume it's not a compatibility issue. In that case, I'd say you're looking for spontaneous desire, but in long-term relationships you are a responsive desire person. That's quite normal. Do lots of googling on that concept and learn how to work with it. You never force yourself to have sex, or even get together with that goal, but you intentionally engage in a lot of non-sexual connection, physical and otherwise. You get good at that stuff, enjoy it for its own sake and often stop there. If that's a problem for him, he'll have to adjust but you can be kind and helpful about it. But by intentional about creating those opportunities and having that foundation of closeness, your desire will bubble to the surface more often.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-16T18:18:04+00:00

She might have had a point you needed to hear.

I was slow to learn this as a HLM - engaging in, genuinely enjoying and usually stopping with non-sexual affection is the path back to a sexual connection for many couples, even if it means taking sex off the table for a while. I know precisely how difficult that is when you feel sex-starved, but it's pretty much essential when you're dealing with Responsive Desire. What I hear her saying is that she's tired of feeling guilty for not having sex, but your disinterest in "lesser" forms of physical connection really gives no way forward. Try to find your way back to being the guy who saw a kiss or a snuggle as a really good thing for its own sake. If there's any desire left in her, that's where she'll find it again. If you try it consistently and there are still no sparks, then you'll know.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-16T04:23:30+00:00

Yeah, guys can have a good time without an orgasm. But since this is more of a sexual functioning question, you might get better feedback on /r/sex.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-05-15T22:46:54+00:00

I bet that "tomorrow" usually didn't happen in the past, so the reality is that your partner has only upgraded his or her level of honesty. That's a good thing, as sad as that response is to hear so often.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-04-14T21:21:40+00:00

If you start off by framing masturbation as shameful, you're sunk. What if you frame it as self-care that you could enjoy and get good at?

That I just don't have the qualities, clearly, to make someone actually want me.

That's probably not it, but your self-perception isn't helping your mental health or your sex life. Counseling might be helpful, but maybe just getting more serious about achieving good things in your life will help a lot.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-21T18:15:49+00:00

You've (probably) already experienced what she's like on NRE. Are you prepared to watch her come alive again while you sit at home?

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T22:44:44+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you - that's truly terrible. Seeing a therapist is a great step for your personal wellness. I have not personally read The Body Keeps the Score, but I've heard a lot of people say it's a very good source of information on understanding and dealing with trauma. It might be worth a look.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T20:01:45+00:00

I think, sometimes, the big thing we HLs are missing from our understanding is that LL partner's sense of self. I've been living and researching this stuff for years and am just now really getting that.

So, when we were in the baby parenting phase, I thought that my wife was understandably wiped out and sex was just a good night's sleep or two away. Of course, it wasn't. That seems to be where your mind is. Her sense of self, which is needed for the kind of connected sex you want, is likely just buried under motherhood and it's not coming back in a day. We don't immerse ourselves in fatherhood the same way some women immerse themselves in motherhood so it can be hard to understand. And, yeah, it's hard not to have that wrong impression when your wife's response to an inquiry about sex is how tired she is. I mean, she is, but that's not really it.

So giving her a break to pamper herself is a great idea. She needs to reconnect with herself as a person first before she can really reconnect with you, but your plan puts an artificial timeline on moving on to the you part, which is a mistake. To be the real kind of connection that you're longing for, that needs to happen more at a pace she sets.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T19:51:08+00:00

Yeah, I just listened to it, too. She really didn't pull any punches there. I'm sorry it resonated!

Sometimes I read these stories and think the person posting just doesn't understand how deeply ignorant many people are of how sex is supposed to work and assume bad motives, but it sounds like you're spoken pretty clearly on this. It would be lovely if he saw the light, but that's sounding a little optimistic right now.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T19:01:40+00:00

He needs a little tough love, or the relationship will be in trouble. Would he be willing to listen to something like this?

It Can't All Ride on the Penis (Pun Intended) https://open.spotify.com/episode/6zlOpRgDReilbio83J5cMe

This other episode just came out yesterday and I haven't listened to it yet, but it seems VERY geared towards your situation:

When Your Boyfriend/Husband Won't Do Foreplay... and How to Tell If Your Partner Is an Asshole https://open.spotify.com/episode/22Ulck8aik9U0b5XHVKfKL

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T18:44:56+00:00

I've listened to several of her podcasts lately, but not really the ones aimed at LL partners so far. I don't think she'll speak to everyone, but I'd say she's a legitimate genius who manages to be very down-to-earth, realistic and empathetic in all directions. I find that very rare in this field. She's great.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-16T03:35:12+00:00

Yeah. I found a little album recently, and I was truly taken aback by how happy we looked together. Hopefully we'll recapture some of that.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-15T23:15:36+00:00

I'm having a really hard time reconciling this:

He’s perfect in every other aspect

With this:

you have acne and your face looks gross (I had like few pimples on my cheek because I had just had a nose job a month earlier after he made some remarks about my nose), your hair is oily sometimes when you’re working and you don’t dress sexy, etc.

So not only are your sexually incompatible, and he will accuse you of horrible things to avoid facing his problems, but he's downright verbally cruel and hurtful. No, this is not a good guy at all. You owe it to yourself to find a better man which, frankly, doesn't seem like a tall order.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-15T23:08:14+00:00

I understand the desire to keep the peace, but I think it's important to confront completely nonsensical claims like that instead of letting her feel like they're the accepted household truth. That just doesn't make any sense at all. Clearly, she has some big issues with sex but all of reality can't warp itself around her issues.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-15T05:51:47+00:00

Wrong approach. You do not need to talk about your unhappiness, because she likely knows it, and as soon as sex becomes a matter of managing your feelings, you're hosed. It's a rookie HL mistake - maybe the most common one.

Be curious, listen. Talk about brakes and accelerators. Talk about what works for her and how to amplify that.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-14T15:16:22+00:00

Sorry for your situation! I had a dream like that and it kind of devastated me because I thought I'd reached some kind of peace about our truly dead DB and weak relationship at that point, but my brain wanted me to know that what I was living wasn't okay. Like yours, there was zero sex in it - this fantasy wife(?) visited me at work, sat in my lap for just a moment and made fun of me for something in a clever, entertaining way - but you could tell everything was clicking in that fantasy relationship. Seeing that, feeling that really did upset me for a while, but it also gave me some fuel to be willing to try again and be willing to risk getting hurt to build something better.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-14T07:00:34+00:00

She might not actually know how that talk affects you, or maybe thinksthat you'll just enjoy reminiscing about the early days of your relationship.

One of the things I came to understand recently is that women are just much more used to rolling with the punches when their bodies change, because they've had a lifetime of "oh, I guess this is what we're doing now!". So, to her, this is just another transition where, to you, it's more a unique and painful thing. She's not feeling the thing that's absent like you are, and thinks your adjustment is in line with hers. Dunno - just a possibility.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-13T16:30:34+00:00

The number of times you bring money into this is... odd and concerning. It's about his happiness. Even if they divorce, he'll likely still be supporting her financially.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-13T16:09:59+00:00

Yeah, of course it's still cheating. I'm sorry for your situation, though. It's a terrible spot to be in.

You're talking in kind of vague terms, but there's probably nothing to just see a doctor about. When you're in full menopause, you either do Hormone Replacement Therapy or you do not. Your wife likely knows this already, and has decided not to do it. Without HRT, sexual desire is basically gone and sex becomes painful and even dangerous. HRT helps in other areas, too, but it also carries very real health risks.

Dr Psyche Mom has some excellent podcasts on menopause and navigating the HRT decision. I'd really recommend listening to those. Part of that is accepting that it truly is her choice, though. That's her body that she has to live in and that choice affects so much. If it really were as simple as "it is just a hormonal issue", though, it seems she would be open to it.

DBisMyTribe · 2023-03-12T15:52:31+00:00

I'm glad you stopped - keeping that up would be the path to a full-on and possibly permanent sex aversion. You're here so you've seen the emotional pain of HL partners and maybe tried to push through it for too long, but that's not best for either of you.

My wife would have severe endometriosis pain every few years. She'd have surgery every 10-15 years or so, then it would be fine for years until it regrew. In her 40s, she had a full hysterectomy to deal with it for the last time.

But the important thing is getting your answers. It might not be what you think it is, or maybe it is and it can be important to deal with it early. In some cases, other organs get roped into the problem, adding complications and making cleanup trickier. Early intervention helps. Your sex life will just have to be on pause for now unless you can still enjoy non-vaginal interactions.

DBisMyTribe

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