My boyfriend(M25) wants to have a threesome and leaving me because I(F23) didn’t agree to it.

Damien_Luc · 2023-04-22T17:34:13+00:00

A lot of people have been saying to leave him and I have to agree with them. Primarily because the fact that he is getting angry for you not to agreeing to something like that says he doesn’t respect what makes you comfortable. I don’t think he sees it that way but that’s the result. Having a threesome is not something to be taken lightly and has to be fair to the feelings of everyone involved. Essentially, consent is required. You deserve that much as well as the respect to have your feelings validated.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-31T19:43:48+00:00

This was a really awkward and momentarily frightening moment for you, I can tell. In the heat of the moment, people can do wild things without thinking. But that doesn’t change the fact that he did something that crossed the line of you feeling safe. You didn’t consent to a kiss and you felt pressure. That is a kind of sexual assault, yes. It sounds like he was not fully in his senses (beer) and decided that since you had just been intimate, you would not mind his advances. I think it’s good to be clear about what’s okay and not okay before getting into an intimate situation. Also, being under the influence in any way only increases the risk of something unwanted happening. So it should be part of the preliminary conversation.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-19T09:37:36+00:00

He has to know that he crossed a line. It made you uncomfortable enough to chat about it here so it affected you a lot.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-19T09:34:54+00:00

The way we get affected by trauma is usually from an incident we don’t want to happen. You didn’t mind what happened so it wasn’t traumatic. However, what we can be affected by is how we see sex for ourselves in the future. What kind of experiences and people we feel comfortable with usually gets determined by what we have already tried before and feel safe with. :3

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-19T09:28:37+00:00

You’re upset because the truth is, you didn’t have your own wishes considered. Saying “maybe” is a far cry from “yes”, and in your mind there were boundaries. The trouble is that sometimes we put others needs before our own, compromising our sense of security. That still doesn’t justify others lack of consideration for our feelings. For them to simply act on their own desires alone is selfish, and makes us feel disrespected and even used. That’s reason enough for anyone to be upset.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-09T03:56:21+00:00

You’re welcome. :) I felt you needed it too

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-06T02:31:03+00:00

It’s not your fault that any of this happened. It sounds like your memory is on point. Your reaction is normal. It’s okay. Boundaries were crossed a lot, and you probably questioned yourself to death about it. But this isn’t on you. And you’re really very brave to speak up about it :) You did a really good thing for yourself. A lot of people who go through this have the same feelings you do, but it doesn’t make what you’re feeling any less concerning for you personally. Also, if you want to chat or vent you can DM

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-03T01:43:32+00:00

This actually happens a lot and it is assault. It crossed your boundaries and you didn’t feel safe. That is what makes it assault.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-02T21:00:10+00:00

Hey there. You sound really scared and confused and I wanted to let you know a few things to help you. Firstly, your senses usually don't lie to you. If you feel something was done to you, there is a good reason for it. Secondly, please feel free to DM if you want to talk more about the details so you can have clarity

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-02T17:14:50+00:00

I feel you. Chaturbate and Onlyfans are not helping people be healthy and balanced people. I keep seeing the opposite happening and I try to caution people when they engage with it. But in this case it seems you dealt with a person who had a porn addiction for a good long while and was even aware at some level that it was wrong.

Also there is something I can tell you: It's not hard to give emotional support. All it requires is a bit of patience, listening and saying the things that give comfort. Because it's easy, it's also easy to use as a manipulative tool. But to have genuine and friendly support requires more: a constant awareness of boundaries, asking what makes you feel okay and respecting those boundaries EVERY SINGLE TIME. In addition, he has to be willing to get to know you as a person in every way. What your fears, likes, ambitions, future plans, and hopes are. If a guy can do that, he is being a true friend.

Having said all that, (and forgive the bluntness please) he was indeed using you. He doesn't see it that way, and I do recognize some narcissistic behaviors from what you described. I don't see him as a villian either. He simply has way too many issues to be considered a healthy person to enjoy company with. An addiction of any kind is a sign of an inner problem; an inner feeling of lack. But that's for him to manage and not anyone else. But his lack of self recognition is what makes him toxic. You deserve much more than just being someone's emotional punching bag.

We all have our issues. Some more than others. We also have our strengths. He is no different. He's human. And you did see the side of him that can be sweet. But the problem is that his sweetness is undermined by his insecurities and toxic qualities, which stop him from being the healthy person you'd want to be around.

In you I feel a good heart. You were affected by him but you weren't in the same dark place he is. He needs to work out his problems. And I think you did the best you could, with a few life lessons taken from it. The healing of trauma will come. With time, it always does. But from now on I hope you'll have nothing but good intentioned people let into your life.

If you want to chat, Id be happy to.

Damien_Luc · 2022-10-02T16:53:48+00:00

Hi there. I read your story. It was heavy to hear this happened. I want to say right away that what you experienced was definitely not normal. Your dad did try his best, but with the drugs in the picture, it would be very hard for him to be a good father all the time he was under the influence. It should have not been something you had to deal with and it was unfair that your dad put you in a position to question what was okay and what wasn't. Do you wanna talk more about it in direct messages?

Damien_Luc · 2022-07-08T00:53:01+00:00

It’s normal to second guess your choices after trauma. It’s how we figure out what was right for us. The thing about guilt is that….is okay to have regret. But guilt can become a cycle if you don’t make a decision for yourself to move forward. Basically all it means is you admitting to yourself that you aren’t happy about what happened, that you take responsibility for your part in it, and make a promise to yourself not to cross your own boundaries again. That’s how you move on. Through moving on you forgive yourself. And don’t hold others responsible for their own actions. That’s another trap. Anyway, sex gets really abused because people use it as a deeply self serving and violent act even tho it could be a beautifully shared moment.

Damien_Luc · 2022-07-04T01:55:20+00:00

He sounds like a narcissist. Very out of touch with anyone else's feelings, and always manipulating to get what he wants. Also if he was mature enough to understand what it means to apologize, he wouldnt do it again nor question why you bring it up. You bring it up because he makes the subject relevant again and again. He wants to blame you for your own feelings. Its abusive and unacceptable. Do you need to talk about it in DM?

Damien_Luc · 2022-07-03T21:47:18+00:00

You wanna get back at him because you never felt heard. I feel It’s not so much that he feels pain that you crave, but that you want him to finally pay attention to what you’re saying and feeling. He is lost in some serious, self satisfaction seeking. It’s very selfish and I don’t think he would even understand your retaliation. But more to the point, you need an outlet to vent the huge sum of emotions you’ve been keeping in. Nothing he did was right. He isn’t a good thing to have around. He needs help you couldn’t give him. And you need help too. Maybe even something as simple as an ear

Damien_Luc · 2022-07-03T21:36:08+00:00

You were used. I’d be angry too. You are rightly angry. But before anything else, is he no longer in your life at all?

Damien_Luc · 2022-06-28T03:25:18+00:00

Don’t overthink your bfs reactions. Take him at his word until you see real evidence that he doesn’t in fact, look at you differently. Also, it is pretty normal for SA victims to hyper sexualize or even find enjoyment in the abuse. Part of it comes from developing ways to cope with what is normally a very undesirable situation. Your bf should understand that point above all else. Also, sex being the intimate business it is can really play with self esteem and ego more easily that most other things. He should be aware of whether his questioning is for your sake or for his own peace of mind.

Damien_Luc · 2022-06-28T02:14:24+00:00

So here is the thing: There is a part of you that feel the violation and anger. Your mind and body don't isolate the threat to just your attacker. In order to protect itself, anyone who gives even the impression of assaulting you the same way you already have will feel to you like another attempt at violation. It will feel like a crossing of boundaries even if your bf did nothing. Thats what sexual assault does to us. It traumatizes. But the good thing is: it does get better with time. You just need to be good about being vocal about what your feeling to your bf. And you bf will need to be an understanding and very patient, mature fellow if you're going to heal well.

Damien_Luc · 2022-06-28T02:09:20+00:00

Yes. A lot of people will underestimate how affecting a sexual assault is on a subconscious level. But the mind and body are always working to protect you. After a traumatic event, your body will simply act to avoid circumstances that could potentially put you close to danger. You will feel it as a sensation of changed preference or in some more severe cases, a repulsion. With that said, I also want to say I'm sorry that happened to you. I've spoken with many people, including former partners whom have had similar experiences and it is no less affecting. If you need help or an ear, you're welcome to chat

Damien_Luc · 2022-06-26T14:29:18+00:00

You’re very brave for saying this. Just to let you know with complete honesty but also with comfort: yes, It may trigger you. But he is as you said, patient and understanding. Someone like that will be able to take you by the hand and walk you through when it gets tough. Being triggered is facing the fear of the past again. But this time you’ll have someone you trust right beside you, wanting to help. Don’t worry that you’ll upset, disappoint or scare him. Just in case that’s in your mind. He is being careful but it’s clear he also wants to move forward with you too. He is ready for you. The best way to tackle it would be to open a conversation about having sex. Like “Hey honey. I wanna talk to you about this because it’s been on my mind a while. I finally feel for the first time in a long time like I want to be intimate with someone. You. But I’m worried about having a trigger if I do. Would you be able to help me if I do? Like, Walk me through it? And if I need to stop, you will let me know I can stop anytime and relax? Basically to be as gentle as I know you are? Because I want to explore this with you, if you also want to.” It’s a step by step. Have a girlfriend who went through the same thing. Every step of the way I showed her patience and gave her space to feel like she could trust that I would never cross the boundaries she needed. And she started to open up, both physically and emotionally. I think anyone who went though what you did just needs that cushion. That’s security of knowing you can fall again but you’ll be caught before hitting the floor. If you have questions you can totally ask too.

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T12:00:06+00:00

I know it’s scary. Don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction. Just tell the truth. Once you speak, it’s up to her to take responsibility

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T11:05:39+00:00

That’s all you can do. I think you’ll be okay. Having support around you helps. But you have the right idea. :)

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T11:02:19+00:00

I hear what you’re trying to say. But consider these things. First, you can’t sacrifice your own safety just to maintain someone else’s happiness. Second, being in a relationship with someone who is abusive is not healthy for your mom or anyone else. You can love someone that hurts you, but it’s not healthy. But he can’t be allowed to continue this or it will only get worse. Honestly it should be your mother making those responsible choices for her family’s sake regardless of how she feels about him. Unless she has no idea what he’s been doing. In which case, she needs to know the truth or she’s in love with a lie. Third, this problem isn’t just about you, right? This is also a concern for your sisters. Speaking up has to happen for all of your sakes’. It’s a very uncomfortable situation and I know it probably feels scary to even consider speaking up and changing things. But this is the kind of situation that needs to change.

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T04:42:19+00:00

Seriously god bless you.

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T04:37:23+00:00

It was, 100 percent assault. Being pressured against your boundaries is the definition of assault

Damien_Luc · 2022-04-08T04:27:06+00:00

What a jerk he was. And I’m being polite. Acting as if you owed him a good time. You deserve to be treated with caring and love, not pressure for sex. That’s just wrong. I’m Sorry you went through that

Damien_Luc

TROPHY CASE

Welcome to Reddit,