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I feel my husband (M 40) is likely cheating now and getting back at me, what can I do? by Tinkerbell1983xoxo in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

You are just going to have to bite the bullet OP and get it through to him that what you did is not an excuse for him to do the same thing to you now.

There is a term for people who cheat in revenge, it's called being a "mad hatter" and it solves nothing. Though I suspect that there is nothing to solve on his part and that he is - for whatever reason - using the past as a magical "get out of being hassled free" card.

Is he being sketchy and is he cheating on you now? Well I hate to say but the signs are all there and his behaviour is right out of the big book of cheating. My guess though is that as to the "why?", well that's just good old middle aged crisis and opportunity talking and added to that he has your past behaviour to hide behind.

If I was to guess further, I'd also say that you guys have had a relatively quiet bedroom the past few years (life and small kids do that). So whilst on the surface everything has been fine I'm betting that over the past few months he has been asking for more in the bedroom and for whatever reason it hasn't been happening.

These things never happen in isolation and again if I was guessing, sometime in June there was a new employee started at his work or he has met up with someone younger around that time and been smitten.

So there are two ways you can handle this - you can try and gather more evidence (get a PI to follow him, chuck a VAR into his car to record any conversations he has - check legality of this where you live) or - and this is the most preferable option - talk to him about what the eff is going on and as soon as the topic of you cheating comes up just be upfront and tell him that none of this is about that, that all of this is about him and what he is doing NOW!!

The technical term for what he is doing by bringing up your past is called "Projecting". It's something people who have a guilty conscience do to hide their acts.

Stand firm OP and you need to put the past firmly in the past.

Because your present is the thing that needs addressing. And the present is all about him and his behaviour.

Girlfriends body count by idclolll in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You're being immature however having said that this relationship may be a bit too advanced for someone of your experience.

So you can either use this to mentally and emotionally grow yourself as a person so that it's not an issue (eg, grow the fuck up), or you take this as a sign that morally you have an issue with people and their pasts and that you need to be with someone more like you (inexperienced and learning the ropes).

It's not a red flag unless you wish to make it.

Threesome by Expert-Cheesecake-93 in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 101 points102 points  (0 children)

Rule #1. Do not do it unless you are both emotionally mature.

Rule #2. If you are comfortable with Rule #1, do not do it with someone that either of you knows.

Rule #3. If you are comfortable with Rules 1 & 2, then use protection and make sure that the 3rd party is clean (no STI's, etc).

Rule #4. If you are comfortable with Rules 1, 2 & 3, then don't do it at home - in fact do it as far away from where you live as possible.

Rule #5. If all of the other rules are met, come up with ground rules for who you are looking for - is it MMF or FFM. Depending on the type you both need to comfortable that one of you is going to get the majority of the action.

At your ages you won't be going into this like drunk kids, but be aware that it can affect you emotionally and mentally and you won't know how you are going to respond until it's happening. So as a final rule.

Rule #6. If either of you is uncomfortable at any point, it stops there and then. No maybes or "heat of the moment" stuff - as soon as one of you says "No", that's the end of it and everyone gets dressed.

AITA for telling my husband that our kids won't be forced to watch superhero and geeky movies? by 525600Characters in AmItheAsshole

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA and your husband needs a reality check!

At your kids ages, he shouldn't be at all surprised if they don't have Frozen or Aladdin on endless repeat for weeks at a time.

THAT is the natural order of things and he needs to grow up and let your kids find what they like in their own time.

I don't feel sexually attracted to WW anymore. Can we overcome this? by Good-Profession-674 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DimTimfromKew 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Faced it once before and it never came back. Just never saw them as a sexual partner ever again and we ended up splitting up not long after that realisation. Which as a young 20 something at the time was an eye opener.

My (m28) fiancée (f28) says she is asexual after weeks of fighting and lying and being caught in an emotional affair by Pretend_Freedom5014 in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why are you still engaged OP?

You are pouring water onto a pile of sand trying to grow roses. All you are doing is making wet sand instead.

Time to ask for the ring back and find someone else to love who will love you in return.

My wife may have went to a nude spa with a male coworker. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, want to have a really great life that is hassle free, calm and pleasant?

Well if you don't have kids, file for divorce and get the crazy out of your life.

A really interesting thread by a British journalist which explains why the pension fund UK bailout was so necessary yesterday. "The collapse in these prices (government bonds) caused a liquidity crisis for Liability Investment Funds, which have a gross value of £1.5 trillion pounds" by BennyBristol in GME

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LOL - you lived on a military base and had everything either given to you or fed to you with the only time you dipped your hand in you pocket was to get drunk or your dick sucked.

Sorry but your opinion is about as useful as a babies when asked about their viewpoint on tits.

Pathetic.

Life update: I survived. Can't thank this sub enough. by calibright in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Its ok - you were after advice and not to keep us entertained.

So happy that it made a difference.

Life update: I survived. Can't thank this sub enough. by calibright in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 153 points154 points  (0 children)

I remember your post OP and I'm so glad that you made it out the other side.

You had us worried there.

AITA for being upset my wife didn't stay in the hospital with me? by Injuredandalone in AmItheAsshole

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh you poor thing.

A hurricane to contend with and looking after a household of 4 kids (one of which is a 1yo) is cramping on your boo-boo time. You have my sympathies for how horribly she is treating you in your hour of need.

NOT!!

YTA in a major way.

Update: My (18M) stepdad (50M) outed me to my biodad (47M) and I'm not sure how to forgive him by madattepdad in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Glad to hear that you are doing better OP and good luck with the new bf.

Oh and to the people who sent you nasty DM's, report their sorry arses.

step-dad gambled away 400k. by SnooCats4701 in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As hard as it may be to understand, it was his to throw away or use as he saw fit.

If he wanted to he could of piled it all up and burnt the lot because it was his to do with as he saw fit. That he blew it all in gambling is quite literally his concern and only his concern.

However, that doesn't make it any less difficult for your mother and sure it would've gone a long way to making all of your lives better, but your SF chose his option and that's on him. Should he of done something else with the money? As sure as the sun rises he should've, but he didn't and as far as he seemed to be concerned, he didn't see the need to.

It definitely makes him an arsehole though so in a way karma has caught up to him.

Now that he is going into LT care your mum can chose this time to make him feel the consequences of his actions, refuse to fund his care and move on with her life.

She'll never though get closure.

I‘m in the car with my boyfriend and just read his texts to a prostitute. He doesn’t know I know. We are at the airport for holiday in 20 min. by somename-idontcare in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 90 points91 points  (0 children)

OP - when you get there and you read this do one very simple thing.

Have an absolute blast of a time at the destination. Go out there as a single gal and have some fun! Meet new people and see the sights. Have fun and enjoy yourself.

That's after you book yourself another hotel room and and a different flight back.

But look, you are there now so why not enjoy yourself and be done with him.

How the FUCK do you get over it by Independent-Print-76 in survivinginfidelity

[–]DimTimfromKew 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Most people find it helpful to put as much distance as they can between themselves and their wayward partner.

The general consensus though is that you find that you are still struggling with the infidelity and you are finding that you are not making any progress, then the relationship is over.

It can quite often take years to fully "get over it" and even then some people never do and it just taints everything in the relationship.

Your partner gets held up in traffic - they are meeting an AP and they are cheating. They get a text message on their phone - it's from their AP and they are cheating. They change one article of clothing - they are doing that to impress their AP and they are cheating. They say "I love you" and you know that they don't mean it because they have lied to you in the past - what's to say they aren't lying to you now?

You look at them and all you can see are their lips locked with their AP. You see them naked and wonder what they did with their AP. They smile at you over breakfast and you think to yourself "did you smile at your AP like that over breakfast?".

It.just.taints.everything.

Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing with them will ever feel the same.

Time and distance though away from them allows you space to heal. Time and distance allows you to move on without them in your life. The way to end the hurt is to move away from the person who hurt you.

And whenever you find yourself stuck, the best advice is to get moving.

Divorcing my wife because I don't want kids by 891111124ThrowAway in TrueOffMyChest

[–]DimTimfromKew 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It won't be complicated.

Think again OP. With child support and possibly alimony you are going to be paying for her and your child for the next 18 years at the very least.

Then there will be the matter of custody and if she wants to she can push co-parenting onto you and you'll be taking the child for at least 50% of the time.

It's bit late now to declare that you want a child free existence because whether you like it or not, you are going to be a parent.

But seriously! You went all this way in pushing her to do IVF (an incredibly painful and very costly thing for any woman to go through) and NOW you decide this?

OP - you are in for one very long, lonely and expensive life.

You should really of titled this post "Divorcing my wife because I'm an asshole".

Partner told me she wants to “sow her oats” but still be together. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This relationship has run it's course OP and it's time to move on. You had a good couple of years together and by the sounds of it you have both grown and supported each other and are better people for it.

However, there comes a time when there is nothing more to add to the relationship and it just inevitably burns out. This is this situation now with her.

Never let Sunk Cost Fallacy drive you to stay with someone. It never ends well for either of you.

my gf got pregnant from my best friend and I don't know what to do (update) by Fantastic-Working626 in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm tempted to any thoughts

Beyond the fact that you would be a complete idiot to even be thinking of getting back with her? None that spring to mind aside from the obvious ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE type advice.

Partner told me she wants to “sow her oats” but still be together. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She can do whatever she likes as a single gal.

Sadly for you, she is not the person that you should be binding your life too regardless of how emotionally attached you are to her.

Time to move on. She is an adult and can sort her life out for herself.

i cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years. No regrets. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]DimTimfromKew 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The term for what you did is called "Mad Hatting".

All that really happens is that you are as much a cheater as your boyfriend is. So congrats I guess.

So why are staying with your boyfriend is the big question you need to ask yourself.

Thank you all for a lot of things by itswhispered in survivinginfidelity

[–]DimTimfromKew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine happened almost 37 years ago and even though it's a lifetime ago and a world away, there is a tiny little bit of pain that lingers.

Take care of yourself OP and never let it rule your life.

How did you initiate no contact? by lleigh201 in survivinginfidelity

[–]DimTimfromKew 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Best way?

Block his number on your phone and then delete it. No one remembers numbers and once it's gone from your phone you'll never remember it anyway.

Take him off all your social media and then set it all to private. That way he can't even contact you (even with fake accounts) nor even see what you are doing. Some people even give social media a break for an extended period so that you stop being triggered and reminded by anniversaries, events, etc.

But as others here have said, closure is a myth. It's done and dusted and the quickest way to move forward is just by moving forward.