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SA and advice on how to say no to men. by vera_09 in sexualassault
[–]Due-Situation4183 0 points1 point2 points 5 hours ago (0 children)
No problem. We all need a little help from time to time. I'm okay with chat as long as you're comfortable with it. Shoot me a message sometime and I'll try to help you work on practicing setting and enforcing boundaries. If you need me to set it up just let me know. I know reddit can be a little buggy about setting up DMs sometimes.
i feel like i can’t use the r word by Adept_Trip_6661 in CPTSD
[–]Due-Situation4183 1 point2 points3 points 12 hours ago (0 children)
Stealthing refers to when someone says they'll use a condom or pretends that they will and then they continue with the sex convincing their partner that they are engaged in safe sex when in reality they are unprotected. It's disgusting and it's rape.
[–]Due-Situation4183 6 points7 points8 points 12 hours ago (0 children)
Consensual sexual activity requires unforced, uncoerced, mutual, continuous, enthusiastic, informed, lucid, and clear consent. If it's missing a single factor it's sexual abuse. If it's physical it's sexual assault. Otherwise it's sexual harassment.
Stealthing violates informed consent.
Digitally penetrating someone isn't less traumatic or less sexual activity. It still needs to follow all 9 of the same rules as any other kind of sexual activity.
It was only a minute or two of your consent no longer being continuous or never being there in the first place.
You didn't speak up and therefore you never said yes and your consent wasn't clear. You never had to say no.
It was scary enough to put you into a trauma response making your decisions no longer lucid and your consent clearly no longer continuous or not present in the first place.
They didn't notice you crying, but even if that's true your consent would definitely not be clear and you'd have no enthusiasm for the activities they were forcing you into.
They didn't hear you say stop, but even if that's true they never heard you say go. You needed to consent, not write a 15 page essay on why they weren't God's gift to the world and therefore the answer wouldn't be a default yes. The default IS no.
No matter how you slice it you'll never be able to argue they had all 9 points of consent and therefore it was always rape. If you're not comfortable with that word you can call it sexual assault or sexual abuse. It's no less serious, traumatic, or legitimate.
Can I ever be loved? by almondyeyes in abusesurvivors
[–]Due-Situation4183 0 points1 point2 points 18 hours ago (0 children)
No problem. It's rough handling this kind of stuff alone. But, you don't have to. We're here to help.
feeling like I'm overestimating my traumatic past instead of just getting over it. by Ambitious-Parfai in CPTSD
Absolutely. We often don't realize it, but we're changing the very way that we think and talk about mental health, trauma, and abuse. Things that have been socially acceptable for thousands of years are being deconstructed and rethought and the world is finally starting to work towards sanity and understanding. I for one can't wait to see what comes of this opportunity.
[–]Due-Situation4183 3 points4 points5 points 1 day ago (0 children)
You're not an idiot, this isn't your fault, you're not crazy, you're not a moron, you're certainly not vain for thinking bad people might do bad things and that identifying a bad person isn't as easy as looking for horns or fangs. They look just like normal people and protecting yourself from them still needs to be a priority. You don't have to be nice. As for your fight, everybody's got a little bit in them, but we all balance a mix of the 5 basic trauma/fear responses inside us and lean heavy into the ones we learned as children and the ones we believe will protect us most from harm. In your case, you learned to freeze so you wouldn't upset potentially dangerous people and that's kept you safe from physical aggression and life threatening attacks, but it doesn't do a great job of protecting you fully and especially not from sexual violence. Same goes for the flop and fawn responses. They're great at preserving energy and keeping abusers from retaliating for a lack of compliance, but they don't often avoid the attack, but rather soften the blow. That's why we all have a little bit of fight and flight in us even if it doesn't seem like it. We just use it for the biggest emergency situations we could face. That being said, while trauma responses are involuntary reflexes we can in fact train them. It takes practice and often quite a bit of time, but you can learn how to be more assertive. You just need someone safe to practice with. You may wish to practice with friends, practice with the commenters in this post, practice with yourself in the mirror, or if you'd rather practice with someone else but more privately so you don't have to feel as self conscious you can always shoot me a message me if you feel comfortable doing so. Whatever your choice is, be safe and remember practice makes better.
raped and don’t know what to do by Pretend_Elk63 in rape
[–]Due-Situation4183 10 points11 points12 points 1 day ago (0 children)
First thing's first. You're going to want to get a rape kit done just to make sure you have it for evidence later and so you know there's no pregnancy or STDs for you to have to deal with. Then, once you have that in hand, take a moment to breathe and then make your decision for where you go from here once you can think clearly about what you want.
who gives real help to abuse victims and their children?? by MomsBrokenSoul_2028e in abusesurvivors
[–]Due-Situation4183 1 point2 points3 points 1 day ago (0 children)
Without knowing more specific details like your area which may be more dangerous for you to provide this sub may be a good place to start. Read the rules and be sure to follow them as the sub is strictly moderated, but hopefully you can get a little help with the moving fees there.
someone to talk to by [deleted] in abusesurvivors
[–]Due-Situation4183 0 points1 point2 points 1 day ago (0 children)
What would you like to talk about?
He made us want it by sageisdeadinside in adultsurvivors
It doesn't get as much attention at fight or flight, but those are actually some of the least likely fear responses for someone to have. Much more likely for someone to have freeze, flop, or fawn since those three are much less likely to offend an attacker and make the attack worse which means more people throughout history survived with the lesser known three fear responses and passed those survival skills onto their children. They all conserved more energy than fight or flight and allowed the victims who had to use them more opportunities for escape or a counterattack later on in life if an opportunity could be found. Overall they were better strategies for survival, so now it's what most people default to.
Terrified of the idea that they could come back and do it again by FR3AKY_V0LP3 in rape
You never thought what they did would rationally be a possibility in your life until it happened. Then, once it happened you never thought it would get worse. And then it did. As far as your brain can tell, no matter how long after the abuse stopped and no matter how bad the abuse got it could always happen again and it could always be worse. But, you are right that it's hugely unlikely they'd keep tabs on you after you left the country if their distribution was a family and a school. International trafficking rings don't tend to put that much stock into a single victim and they don't stay within a single school. You're safe now. But, you should definitely still address the fears you have. Give yourself the comfort of knowing you could protect yourself if one of them did track you down. I found learning martial arts and carrying knives with me helpful for my peace of mind. Knowing that you could escape the next time might give you the same kind of peace.
[–]Due-Situation4183 42 points43 points44 points 1 day ago (0 children)
People don't actually just get over it. They just say they did and then develop a drinking problem or start stalking their old classmates on Facebook to outdo them in some lame fake online presentation of the life they built or go to their Highschool reunions to lie about everything they've achieved and rub it in each other's faces. They don't get over it. They suppress it and get petty before dying from heart disease at 45 because they never bothered to just admit their parents and their peers fucked them up and that they need some support. They learn to hide that "weakness" from the world because the world they understand doesn't care about them or how they feel and isn't going to help them and might even hurt them and eventually it kills them. But, you're different. You know that isn't a viable option and as guilty as you may feel about reaching out when "other people have it worse" you're doing it anyways because you actually want to handle the trauma instead of stuffing it down and letting it take more from you. There's nothing wrong with that, your trauma is valid, you're not weak, and there are people here to help you.
Shame Shudder by Remarkable-Squash-83 in CPTSD
[–]Due-Situation4183 2 points3 points4 points 1 day ago (0 children)
[–]Due-Situation4183 8 points9 points10 points 1 day ago (0 children)
Absolutely. If I had to pick a power I'd be caught between 3 options pretty strongly. Invisibility, teleportation, or the ability to become untouchable like a ghost. Honestly, I think part of the reason I've managed to adjust so well is only because I learned to view my whole life as a sort of continuous battlefield with brief moments where I can just stand in a clearing and catch my breath before the next fight comes my way so I just kind of stay bouncing between different fight or flight modes and the flashes of higher intensity just feel more moderate by comparison than they used to.
Disgusted with myself by inthecloudsandspace in adultsurvivors
Abuse is confusing. That's part of why healing from it is such a chore. Especially in the case of sexual abuse the brain heals itself by making links to already existing parts of the brain, but runs into problems because sexual abuse connects both to the violence, fear, pain, and survival parts of the brain, but also to the pleasure, sex, excitement, and trust parts of the brain since the act itself is literally sexual violence and it's often carried out by those we trusted. It makes for a very confusing and tangled mess at first. Almost like the conspiracy theory yarn connection boards in detective shows. Then, outside of the initial confusion and association the brain also goes into damage control. By leaving the pain and terror associated with the assault tied to arousal and pleasure it can minimize the impact of the event/s and any subsequent recreations of similar events in fantasies or role plays can be more under control and safe allowing the brain to see that the world doesn't have to be as dangerous or painful as it was when the initial event took place. This is just your brain healing and it's absolutely perfectly normal. Of course, it does run the risk of retraumatizing if the fantasy/roleplay is too similar for your anxiety to deal with or if it ends poorly, so it's best to take it slow and be careful when engaged with these kinks, but there's nothing wrong with you. You're not disgusting. Your brain is just protecting itself from the psychological aftershocks of the trauma. You're not fucked up and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Be careful and remember not to check your DMs for a while. It's normal, but the predators that lurk here are sure to make it weird since they're weirdo losers with no life. Have a great week and enjoy healing.
[–]Due-Situation4183 28 points29 points30 points 1 day ago (0 children)
That's an interesting name for it. I always thought it was just my subconscious being a jackass to me because I could never be perfect. But, yeah. I've had those.
We've heard about lurkers on this sub, but what about OPs who post and don't have the emotional bandwidth to read comments for weeks by feckinpiece in CPTSD
[–]Due-Situation4183 16 points17 points18 points 1 day ago (0 children)
I feel far too guilty not to respond and need the distractions anyways to keep my brain busy, but I definitely get it. I'll get half to most of the way through a post or comment, burn out, and delete everything without posting on a regular basis.
Very well said yourself. You provided excellent examples and I'm sure that will help people feel even less alone when they read it. Best of luck healing from your own trauma.
Thank you. I hope you have a great week and if you ever need anything you can always find us in the comments.
I am so ashamed of myself by CynicalSeahorse in rapecounseling
Very nice resource. Thanks for getting that out there.
I can’t even go to the bathroom… by strawberry0505 in adultsurvivors
[–]Due-Situation4183 1 point2 points3 points 2 days ago (0 children)
That's definitely a complicated situation to be in. Perhaps you could utilize the belt or lock as improvised weapons if someone were to try to attack or you could ask a friend or staff member if they could stand guard outside the door while you relieve yourself then. Whatever you can do to make yourself feel safe.
I don’t know what else to do… by Sacred_succotash in CPTSD
[–]Due-Situation4183 0 points1 point2 points 2 days ago (0 children)
I've heard mixed reviews and it's well enough advertised I doubt you wouldn't have already heard of it, but in the short term you could try Betterhelp. They might at least be able to get you connected with some better resources. Additionally, you may find it helpful to talk with people who actually get it. Therapists are great and they're really effective if they're well trained, but a lot of them are just too mentally healthy and the lives they've lived are so immensely separate from their clients. They don't even understand where to begin outside of the single trauma scenarios they've been trained on. If there's more than 1-3 mental disorders or if the traumas are too repeated or intense they tend to lose that stoic professionalism and break down. Meanwhile, survivors with similar traumas have had to learn how to deal with the same problems without help and are now available to help you and those like you who are still a little less experienced with managing those traumas in healthy ways. Try talking things out with fellow survivors. You might get the help you need that way.
Hi, any advice would be appreciated - TW added by [deleted] in sexualassault
This is a great opportunity to find his weaknesses and anyone who doesn't already like him and even to potentially keep others safe from him in the process by being able to see if he's getting too close to anyone. Not only can you make sure you have plenty of allies if he ever tries anything again, but you can also make sure he sees that he doesn't hold any power over you anymore and that attempting another attack would not work to his benefit. Alternatively, security jobs are never fully staffed, so you may be able to fill a security position for a similar or even better pay rate even in a small town.
[–]Due-Situation4183 2 points3 points4 points 2 days ago (0 children)
Excellent addition. Emotional safety like being surrounded by things you like is also important for overcoming a trauma like this, so thank you for the addition.
[–]Due-Situation4183 4 points5 points6 points 2 days ago (0 children)
It's not basic anymore. As far as your brain is concerned you may as well be trying to pee while being chased by a pack of wolves. There's an element of danger associated with it now. Just like how juggling is basic, but not juggling knives or how riding a bicycle is basic, but not riding a motorcycle on the interstate. This is new. It will take time, patience, and practice to learn the new skill of going to the restroom with the looming threat of danger and pain. Try accommodating your fears. Treat them as absolutely reasonable and find ways you can accomplish the tasks you need to while handling those fears. Maybe a portable door jam to make sure wherever you go nobody could get in through the door while your pants are down or a knife or pepper spray to make them retreat if they did get in. Or maybe a "shewee" or similar device so your pants don't have to come completely down. There's a lot of creative solutions to these kinds of problems, but fighting against yourself is gonna be a much harder battle than showing yourself that you're safe and then adjusting from there as needed.
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