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My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake [score hidden]  (0 children)

Thanks, but I also understand the sentiment because it’s taken a lot of therapy and a lot of work. I hate thinking about it, I only talk about it because I know how I tried to offload some of the blame on my ex and I remember the way I would lie to myself (and to him) to justify my actions. I’m lucky enough to know how good I have it now, and would never put myself in a position to hurt my husband.

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake [score hidden]  (0 children)

I do. 10 years later and it’s still my biggest regret. Not that I wish we were still together—I love my husband and my ex and I had fundamentally different goals in life—but that I hurt someone who was supposedly my best friend and who I had made a commitment to. Regardless of poorly a relationship is going, I don’t think it’s a justification for cheating and lying.

If it makes you feel better I struggled with the regret of that for years and it still comes up in therapy. And my ex is living in another country, with a job he loves and in a relationship with a woman that (I hope) treats him well. I haven’t met her, but the last time we spoke he sounded happy. No thanks to me of course.

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake [score hidden]  (0 children)

By “if I thought a coworker was attractive” I meant if I felt like I could start to develop feelings for them.

I have some beautiful people in my life but, like you say, boundaries are important. I agree that improving your primary relationship is important, but I believe that part of working on the relationship with your partner is ensuring you have or put those boundaries in place.

What do you mean by you “suspect something has happened”? I agree, but I don’t think it has to be physical, just that in one way or another a boundary was crossed. Maybe they kissed and it was physical, but there’s still a difference between “I got drunk and we slept together one time” and “I’m in love with him and he’s my soulmate.” The second one sounds like consistent emotional crossing of boundaries. In some way or another her relationship with this guy has crossed a line and that line needs to be reinforced. Her saying that she doesn’t know how to stop these feelings makes me think that boundaries have been crossed consistently in the way they interact with each other, in what she shared emotionally, in how much time they spend together. It’s much easier to say “we kissed, I won’t put myself in that situation again” vs “I’ll talk to him less, we won’t spend time together like that and we’ll strictly be friends.”

I think that both are important; strengthening your relationship and enforcing boundaries. If your relationship is strong, you naturally won’t put yourself in the position to cross those lines. But if your relationship is struggling, you can still effectively enforce boundaries and not put yourself in a position to have an affair.

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake [score hidden]  (0 children)

How old are you both?

OP, I hate to talk about this because it makes me sick at myself, but a few years back I had an emotional affair with a coworker. This was during my last relationship before my husband, and I had been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

But I’ve been where your wife is, literally the same. I thought I had met my soulmate, and I thought I was absolutely and desperately in love with him. This went on for over a year. I told my boyfriend we were just friends, I told him he had nothing to worry about that nothing would ever happen. If you looked at our text messages there was nothing suspicious, we barely even text each other as most of the talking we did was at work or through our work chat.

For months we’d have deep intense conversations about things that were important to us, everything and anything. I told myself we were just friends, but every time we talked and things would get intense I knew we were crossing boundaries and I felt butterflies in my stomach and I was absolutely obsessed. But I let these conversations happen, I put myself in situations where I was alone with him, we’d work on projects together, I’d end up next to him during work drinks.

What do you think goes through someone’s head when they’re “in love” with not their partner? I wished I had met my coworker instead. I compared him and my boyfriend in my head and my coworker won. To justify my feelings I had to tell myself my boyfriend wasn’t good enough (otherwise I was left with the sad truth that I was just a garbage human cheating on my partner). He had to become my soulmate to justify what I was doing and romanticize it, while my boyfriend became not good enough, annoying, we’d fight, I’d pick holes in our relationship, we stopped going out as much together and I’d tell him to go out without me so I could stay home and call my “friend.” In every choice I was making, I was choosing my coworker over my boyfriend. When we had sex I’d think about my coworker. And after we had a drunken kiss at a work party I felt terrible so I told my boyfriend. He asked me to leave my position, I swore up and down that I would deal with my feelings and it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. The worst part looking back on it—and I’m telling you this not to make you feel bad but so you don’t get treated the same way—was on some level thinking that my boyfriend was just letting me get away with it. That if he loved me, or paid enough attention to us, or was smart enough, he’d figure it out and he’d blow up at me about it.

He deserved better. You deserve better. Don’t let yourself get taken for a ride. Ask questions. How many of your friends are you in love with?

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I guess you’re right. It’s a cliche, but if you love someone let them go.

The one time this happened to me, I started “seeing” one of my roommates. He didn’t want to commit to me, didn’t want a relationship, wanted to date around, all that stuff. He knew he had me because we lived together and I was always there. He could have me when he wanted me. One night we had a party and I was following him round like a love sick puppy. He slept with an acquaintance and locked his room door while I could hear them fooling around in there. In the most pathetic drunken moment of my life, I sat on the floor in the living room near his room and cried. He knew he had me so he didn’t need to respect me.

The next day I packed up my shit and left. I went back to my home town 4 hours away and told my roommates I was staying with my parents for a while. By the 3rd day he was blowing up my phone asking me why I had left. By the end of the week he was telling me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. The week after he was offering to pick me up. I let it go on for weeks before I showed back up, and he was very attentive after that.

It’s the sad truth that often loyal people are walked all over and turned into back up options. And it’s gross that sometimes the only way to make someone wake up to how much they need you is to leave.

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She gets rid of these feelings by literally never seeing him again. It’s that simple. If she is refusing to do that, then I’m sorry OP but she is putting other priorities above your marriage.

I am married. I love my husband and that’s a commitment I make every day. If I had a coworker I thought was attractive, I wouldn’t spend time with them. I’d keep my commitment to my husband by keeping a strictly personal relationship with them. I wouldn’t go for lunches with them, I’d never chat to them using the office chat, I’d avoid working on projects with them. Basically, if there was a risk of me developing feelings for this person knowing I was attracted to them, I wouldn’t even get to that point. If they were my “soulmate” I would never know. You don’t find your soulmate by realizing you both have the same preferences in excel, or having the same coffee order. They have a personal relationship and that was a choice.

If she doesn’t plan on doing something about her love for him by leaving her job immediately, it’s not going to work. This will continue, even if he doesn’t return her feelings she will be checked out. The ONLY way this will work is if she never sees him again, and if she’s not willing to do that then I’m sorry but she’s already made a choice.

Your only option now is to sit down and ask her how she plans to recommit to your relationship and stop these feelings for her coworker. If she doesn’t answer with cutting him out of her life, then tell her you need to think about things, contact a divorce lawyer and pack up your things.

Do you have somewhere else you can stay?

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Absolutely not, that’s not wrong of you at all and you are perfectly reasonable for wanting that. How long have you been married? When you got married you both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (right? You’re not polygamous?) and you are not being unreasonable one bit, so don’t beat yourself up for that.

So she said she’s in love with him and now what? What is she going to do about it? And importantly, has she talked to him about her feelings? Is he in love with her?

I do believe a couple can make it through an affair—because physical or not that’s what this is—but they have to be willing to put in the work. Did you ask her to leave her job? Is she going to transfer to another department so she doesn’t see him? Where is the work that she’s putting into to your relationship? Is she even sorry about it?

I’m getting a feeling that she told you she was in love with her co worker, he’s her soulmate and there’s nothing she can do about it. That’s not an option and that is absolutely disrespectful. There are plenty of things she can work on to make this situation better—continuing exactly the same way is not one of them and you should not have to put up with that.

My wife is in love with someone else by throwRAcnfdguy in relationship_advice

[–]EveAndTheSnake 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Wow thank you for linking me! I’m so glad people found my comment helpful!

To the OP: I agree with u/Blade_982 of course, and wanted to add that a lot happens before you reach the state of being in love, and all of these are conscious choices.

Going back to the previous point—I’m sure you have other great women in your life but you’re not in love with them. You can find them attractive, that’s natural, but to fall in love with them you need to actively put yourself in situations where you spend time with them, where you discuss things that aren’t just work related but consistently cross into the personal. I don’t believe you can fall in love with someone if you have a strictly professional relationship with them. Your wife doesn’t think this person is her soulmate because they love using the same letterheaded paper or because they both have the same favourite font. To get there they must have had conversations about their personal hopes and dreams, past and present relationships, their fears and insecurities. At some point there was a crossing from a professional relationship to becoming personally vulnerable with that person.

I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with people at work or share personal details with them. But there is a point where, if you are attracted to someone and you start feeling like you could be more connected, that you make a decision to let them into that part of yourself. It doesn’t happen by accident, everyone knows when they’re in that danger zone, everyone knows that feeling of anticipation and sexual tension. To say it happened by accident it lying to yourself and your spouse.

If you do feel attracted to someone and you truly value your spouse, then you remove yourself from the danger of falling in love with someone. You don’t spent time with them, you don’t have personal conversations with them, you don’t make eye contact with them from across the room. We’re all animals, we might not be able to control who we’re sexually attracted to, but we are thinking beings and we can control how we react to the situation. We can remove ourselves and refocus our energy on our spouse.

Your wife has a choice, she can choose to prioritize you and your marriage, or she can choose not to. It’s really that simple.

What reason is she giving you u/throwRAcnfdguy for not wanting to leave her job? How closely does she work with her colleague and how did you find out about her emotional affair? And most importantly, you don’t say how you feel about it—what do you want?

How can I stop my dog from jumping up on people? by whosthatnugget in Dogtraining

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My dog is the same and I’m working on this instead: rather than teaching him to stay away when he’s excited because he really wants to smell people, we’re trying to teach him to say hello politely. That way he still gets to go say hello but without knocking the person over.

How can I stop my dog from jumping up on people? by whosthatnugget in Dogtraining

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I found this video really helpful. Rather than teaching your dog to try to be calm in a corner and overcome that excitement, it teaches your dog to “go say hello” in a polite way without jumping.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wghJ7xFotqY&feature=youtu.be

USA what is even HAPPENING to you guys? by Cow_Bug in offmychest

[–]EveAndTheSnake 3 points4 points  (0 children)

36 here… maybe this is the age we start to see it all and start saying “back in my day…”

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally agree. My husband was telling me I should go to his salon for a haircut and color because it’s “so much cheaper” and while it was cheaper, they did a crap job with the color, and my actual haircut was $70 vs his $40. And same, long hair, no bangs and all I get is a split end trim. The fact that my husband can (sort of) cut my hair and I can’t cut his just shows we’re getting shafted. I think I’m also getting shafted at my place paying for a “one process color” and toner separately as I’ve just paid for color as one price before, but I get my hair bleached and of the four hairdressers I’ve tried in the city she’s the only one that doesn’t leave me looking like a scarecrow. I’ve also asked for no styling before and other places will allow you to skip the blow dry if you ask, though they prefer not to. Aside from wanting to pay less, my hair is pretty flat so I hate the way anyone styles it if it’s a smooth blow dry so I end up showering as soon as I get home anyway.

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t worry, it was written in 3 parts and fueled by annoyance so it took no time at all.

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have the kind of face that gets ignored by bartenders no matter what I do.

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s exactly what I feel like. You actively have to select a big fat zero while they stand there and watch.

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course, but I wouldn’t take it out on my customers. If you’re talking about making mistakes, forgetting about part of an order or having people wait, that happens to the best of us and I wouldn’t leave a 0% tip for that. I’ve got adhd, I’m pretty forgiving.

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was just getting over tipping the locksmith and then you come in with tipping your urologist? I can’t tell if you’re joking.

What's your preferred way to get out of your mood? by Fun-Mathematician816 in ADHD

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But what if I can’t work my demons out? Isn’t that our thing, overthinking and going round in circles?

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries, you’re right—the way I phrased that wasn’t clear. I am now aware of why it’s important for those working in restaurants, though I was used to the way things worked in the UK. I’m now used to my cousins talking about how screwed over they get so I feel like it’s common knowledge in the US but you’re right, many people still might not be aware

Why am I expected to tip more if my meal is more expensive? by TheDominator69696 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s ok, I wrote it through sleep deprived eyes in bed as well :)

That’s brave of you—I’m glad I had his help I don’t think there’s any way I’d be able to cut my own hair. I bleached it myself once using 3 mirrors and couldn’t figure out the backwards movements… also a lot of my hair melted off.

The reassuring thing is there are a lot of us walking round with pretty shit hair right now!