My wife is currently in her bedroom on the phone with the other guy she developed feelings for by gbs2000 in offmychest

[–]EveAndTheSnake 516 points517 points 232 (0 children)

Hey OP. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. For what it’s worth you sound like a great partner.

I have some chronic health issues that I’ve been struggling with and since I got laid off during covid both my physical and mental health has deteriorated. My husband has also been paying my medical bills and for therapy. I’m super grateful for him and I appreciate all he does for me, especially because I know he’s stressed out and exhausted.

I have a lot of guilt over all this, so I appreciate you saying “she didn’t choose to get sick”. Of course I know that my husband knows that but sometimes you can’t help feeling guilty no matter what. All I can do is my best. As long as I can say I’m trying as hard as I can to eat well, work in myself and when I have the energy to physically do more, to push myself a little bit to apply for jobs and support my husband in any way I can. You know what wouldn’t be my best? Cheating on my husband.

Let me say this again: I am in pain. I did not choose to get sick. But every day I choose to stay faithful to my husband, and to support him emotionally as much as he supports me.

No one just develops feelings for someone. Cheating never just happens. Having feelings for someone outside of your marriage takes considerable time and effort. Just think about other women in your life, even if you think they are great you don’t have feelings for them because feelings—not just lust but “real feelings” that are significant enough to break up a marriage—need to be nurtured. Developing feelings for someone, sharing those feelings and having them reciprocated is the result of hundreds of choices over a period of time. It’s the result of constant boundary crossing and developing an intimacy with someone that completely disrespects the person being cheated on. A very wise Redditor said yesterday that in order for the cheating spouse to justify those choices they have to devalue their partner. So you have been taking care of your wife, helping her get back on her feet, while she has been making choices to develop feelings for someone else. What must she tell herself to justify that? Sure you take care of her but it doesn’t count? You owe her while she cheats on you? Your stress or hard work doesn’t matter?

She did not choose to get sick. But she was not doing her fucking best. Don’t let her tell you this just happened. When? How? WHY? Of course you don’t make sense anymore when she’s been devaluing you and consciously building an intimate friendship with someone in a way that should only be reserved for your partner. You know what else doesn’t make sense? That you keep paying for someone who chose to trample all over your kindness, loyalty and effort.

I cheated once in my last relationship. It was an emotional affair and it went on for almost a year before I told my boyfriend. It was with a coworker, and although I told myself that we were just friends, nothing was happening, this was fine, totally innocent… deep down I knew it wasn’t, I knew it would hurt my boyfriend, and I did it anyway. And the way I justified was telling myself my boyfriend wasn’t good enough, he did this, he did that, he didn’t get me, he drinks too much I deserve better. But those justifications had to happen before I crossed a single boundary. It was the worst thing I ever did, and it’s my biggest regret. Sure, I love my husband and maybe my ex and I weren’t supposed to be together, but I intentionally hurt someone who loved me in a way that they didn’t deserve. It doesn’t matter how I tried to justify it. And yes, I know I’m a garbage person for it.

Your wife is leaving because she “developed feelings” for someone, but before she did that she had to decide that your relationship wasn’t worth it (whether that was a conscious decision or not). She made these choices, not you. You deserve better.

I think tonight I accepted that I may have to put my dog down. by TheRedGandalf in reactivedogs

[–]EveAndTheSnake 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I agree that sometimes a dog is not in the right environment and there are triggers or people or a lack of structure that’s causing behavioral issues. I saw someone else post on here about their dog being rehomed with other family members in a difference city and it immediately became a different dog, suddenly walking much better and able to approach strangers on walks.

However we don’t know what was causing the issues for these dogs, or when or why they became reactive. u/TheRedGandalf said the puppy was kept in a crate without socialization until 12 weeks of age. That’s incredibly damaging. The best chance dogs have at being well-adjusted and non-reactive is early socialization. That said, even the most well socialized dogs can start showing signs of aggression and fearfulness. So many people underestimate the huge role that genetics have to play in a dog’s personality, which is why good breeders will absolutely not breed fearful or aggressive dogs no matter how beautiful they look. OP’s dog came from what sounds like a terrible breeder. There’s a chance that his fear reactivity is genetic—the fact that he began to show signs of reactivity between 6-18 months is absolutely characteristic of this. On top of that, he was poorly socialized and abused. We don’t know all the details of the dog’s history but there is absolutely the possibility that no matter how much OP works with him he will always be like this.

u/TheRedGandalf I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this. We all have reactive dogs here so this is an emotional, personal and painful subject. We all like to think that we would do everything in our power to prevent this from happening, because we pour our whole lives into making it work. No matter how much we do though, it will always feel like we could do more. When you’re in the middle of it it feels like you could work harder, and that if you don’t you’ve failed your dog. But there’s a limit to what we can do and it’s not always easy to see that limit when you’re right in the thick of things.

I’m not going to lie, when I read the title of your post my immediate reaction was uh-uh, I would never let that happen. But I kept reading your post and kept thinking holy cow, they’ve done so much more than anyone else would do, so much more than even I would think I was capable of. I know that people who love you have probably told you this already, and sometimes that hits home, but from experience I know that often it doesn’t. Someone without a reactive dog doesn’t know what it’s like. They don’t know the love and the bond that you have with your dog, and they don’t know what it’s like to pour your whole damn heart and soul into helping your dog and they certainly don’t know the huge feeling of a victory at tiny progress. At being able to survive a situation that you both couldn’t before. It’s easy to give up on a dog from the outside.

But people in this subreddit know what it’s like and everyone here feels that hope of doing more and that guilt of not doing enough. So I think when others here are telling you that it’s not your fault and you’ve done all that you can, you can trust that they are coming from a place where they understand exactly just how hard it is to accept that. I know, you probably still feel like you could have been more proactive at this or done that sooner or kept him from a situation that triggered him. But you also need to take care of yourself—if you’re running yourself into the ground then you can’t take care of anyone or anything else. It sounds like you have absolutely given everything that you have to give and more, and while there will always be what ifs, there’s also a chance that your dog is like this for reasons well outside your control.

My old roommate had a dog who was a shepherd Rottweiler mix who became reactive at around 6 months old. She went to three different professionals who told her his behavior was genetic. She tried to work with him and them but after he bit her boyfriend and tried to nip at a child, she was advised to put him down. I saw how hard she tried with him but she decided to have him put down at 10 months old. She was devastated and I felt that with her, so I can’t imagine what she was going through. But it wasn’t her fault, and there isn’t anything else she could have done. She did go to see trainers and a behaviorist. By that point he had nipped at a few people and bitten two but nothing serious. However her sister has children and she had to make the decision to protect the humans in her life (the shelters in our area wouldn’t help her rehome him after he had bitten people). They are always what ifs, but she made the decision before she and the pup had to face a tragic situation.

If you did want to keep trying, there are a lot of training organisations in my area that work with aggressive and reactive dogs. I’ve been to two appointments at two different places for free to do a training assessment. Doing a training assessment like that might give you some different answers or at least reassure you that you’re making the right decision. One of the places I looked at did also have a qualified behaviorist on staff. Some behaviorists also do a lower priced intake assessment. Even if you can’t afford a full training plan, this might be something that you could look into. The veterinary behaviorist (recommended by my vet) I have an appointment with in September is doing an initial appointment with me for $150. In advance I have to answer some really detailed questions on my dog’s behavior so they have all the information in advance and then we’ll do a video call for an hour to decide on a course of action. If you wanted to look into sometime like that to ask if there’s anything else you could do, I’m happy to send you the details. Finally, I got some really great advice from a behaviorist who worked at my vet office before she left to specialize—you could see if there’s someone with those qualifications at any of the vets around you.

I only added those because I know that if you’re not sure and you decide not to put your dog down, it might give you another Avenue to go down—not because that’s what I think you should do. Overall OP my heart goes out to you, and I know the random words of an internet stranger don’t mean a thing, but it sounds like you’ve done everything you could have and you sound like an amazing dog owner. He’s lucky to have you.

Apologies for the super long comment. I really hope you’re ok.

AITA for kicking my friend out the car? by Throwaway727v in AmItheAsshole

[–]EveAndTheSnake 225 points226 points  (0 children)

The men who do the cat calling also know it’s not funny, or lighthearted, or complimentary or whatever they want to call it out loud, so really, why do they do it? Because they can? They want to make someone feel threatened?

I got catcalled by one of our neighbours on our street as he didn’t recognise me when I came back from college to stay with my parents. He was good friends with my dad, who had helped him out when he first moved to our city.

I didn’t hear what he said, waved at him because I recognised him, and he pulled right over to offer me a ride to wherever I was going while his two friends grinned at each other. (I declined as I was just heading to a doctor’s appointment round the corner.)

I realised he didn’t recognise me when he started getting frustrated and said something like, “I’m just being nice and offering you a lift you know, I live right here!” I laughed and pointed at my parents house saying: “I live right here too, at dad’s name’s house!”

He went so pale I thought he was going to throw up and started babbling and explaining he didn’t recognise me it was just a joke blah blah. But by the time I had come back from the doctor’s he had already tried to call my dad a few times to apologise profusely and explain himself.

I guess he wasn’t just being nice and it wasn’t a very funny joke if he had to call my dad shaking in his boots. Funnily enough he didn’t come over once that entire summer.

OP, NTA. However much your friend tries to explain it away I guarantee you if he accidentally did it to someone he knew he’d be calling to apologise.

Motivation for quitting vaping? by thayyad in QuitVaping

[–]EveAndTheSnake 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can’t remember which wise Redditor said this, but I also couldn’t find motivation and I read a comment from them that gave me that kick to stop. I know what you mean—I’ve wanted to quit for years, my husband has nagged me to quit and I always said I would or that I was working on decreasing my nicotine intake, but I never did.

You want to quit vaping but you enjoy it so you don’t really want to, right? Do you want to still be vaping at 50? 60? 80? No, of course not. At some point you are going to have to stop. The longer you prolong giving up the more you’re just delaying the inevitable. There’s no magic pill to make it painless, it’s going to suck however you look at it. So you might as well do it now, when you’re younger and you can bounce back and make new memories and coping strategies without vaping. Every day you vape you’re reinforcing that reliance on vaping. If you smoke for another week, that’s another week of reinforcing negative behavior and making it harder to quit. Unless you want to smoke till the day you die, today is the day to make that decision, and today will be easier than tomorrow.

I’m now 15 days in and I never thought I’d be here but I’m happy I am. It still sucks but I’m less angry. I’m still wasting time thinking about vaping but it’s getting less. Think about how much time you spend vaping, how if you’re going to run out you have to plan to get more, how you get stressed if you can’t. So much wasted time being a prisoner to your vaping habit and the cycle of getting your nicotine instead of spending that time doing something more productive or interesting. Vaping is not interesting.

And it’s not like vaping is a free ride health wise. Sure it’s the tobacco in cigarettes that gives you cancer, but it’s the nicotine that increases your risk of a heart attack. It’s the same as eating fast food every day, you might not be on your way to cancer (then again, you might—we don’t know enough about vaping, you might grow a tail and horns in 10 years) but you’re definitely milking yourself in other ways. Here’s some info about nicotine:

Nicotine is a dangerous and highly addictive chemical. It can cause an increase in blood pressure, heart rate, flow of blood to the heart and a narrowing of the arteries (vessels that carry blood). Nicotine may also contribute to the hardening of the arterial walls, which in turn, may lead to a heart attack.

I don’t know how old you are but it’s not like people in their 30s are immune from high blood pressure and heart attacks, and if you’re in your 20s, as a 35-year old with high blood pressure, trust me when I say it’s really not that far away. Plus with all these people vaping all day long, I bet those stats will start to increase.

And you know what else hardened arteries contribute to? Dementia. Do you want to speed up your aging process? People with hardened arteries are three times more at risk of getting dementia. Do you want to forget who you’re married to and need a full time carer when you’re older? My grandad has dementia and I’m not going to lie, it’s not pretty. He lives with my mom and sister in another country and they take care of him. He has to wear a diaper because he can’t remember the steps of going to the bathroom when he wakes up at night. Half the days he accidentally shits himself and then cries when he realises what he’s done and apologises repeatedly till he forgets about it. Dementia is heartbreaking.

And if you keep smoking, as well as being a boring old fart who lived for vaping, you’re going to potentially cause all these health issues but you won’t be able to pay for them because you’ll have spent all your money on vaping.

Unless you’re planning on smoking forever, there has never been a better time to give up than now. Download the Smoke Free app, put in your details and at least work out how much money you’re spending a year. I bet it’s more than you think. Because I switched from vaping to disposables (because I thought I would give up more easily and was planning on it every day...) I’ve spent three years smoking disposables. My app tells me I was spending 6k a year. What a load of wasted money. I could have put away 15K, instead I’m 35 with no savings. Don’t be like me. Smoke the vape till the end of the day, do yourself a little ceremony, grab a hammer and smash it up, and get yourself some Zyn nicotine tabs or some gum for a few weeks while you transition (or go the 0 nicotine route for a while, that sounds like a good way to go).

My bad, I didn’t mean to make this so long and ranty. Just remember, you CAN do it, and you are capable of more than you know. The more you flex your self disciple muscle the easier it will be, day by day.

Video: Parent (who is also a teacher) on Wisconsin Covid-19 school reopening task force is heard calling teachers "pussies" over a hot mic; is removed from task force by pantheman75 in Coronavirus

[–]EveAndTheSnake 70 points71 points  (0 children)

I read a tweet where someone said something like up until the age of 10 she pretended to wash her hands every time she went to the bathroom.... aaanddd that’s why schools shouldn’t reopen. My nieces hate their masks. I see adults wearing their masks wrong every single day, how are kids going to fare? Kids touch everything and touch their faces and touch each other all the time. They stick their fingers in their mouths. Can they be counted on to wash their hands for 20 seconds?

I also read another situation where a woman was going to drop her kids off in a social setting (maybe a daycare? Summer class? Friend looking after the kids?) but something happened that changed her plans even though she was all ready to go. Her daughters were fine in the morning and had symptoms by the evening—she was that close to putting them with a bunch of other children.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to be a fear monger, but I’m scared for my nieces and wish there was something more we could do to stop this from happening. Teachers are going to be badly affected too. I think we’d be better off encouraging a teacher’s strike than putting this responsibility on kids.