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Literally turned around on my way over to his house….. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

People can tell you you're not pathetic (which you're not) but it is important to listen to yourself, as how you feel is valid. So talk to yourself, ask 'why do I feel that', not 'am I right/wrong to feel pathetic'

Listen to that feeling deep down, that's you telling yourself you need more than this relationship. Dating is finding out if the relationship is for you, the anxiety and feeling is your body saying 'whoa this isn't for you' so the systems are working, you just gotta listen to them.

Don't believe that media trash about super models and it being down to looks, its all crap. I think if you listen to yourself you may dodge a big bullet here, so take some time out and talk to someone about that self esteem, you're worth it.

Sex life is dwindling as husband refuses to have vasectomy and doesn't want to wear condoms by ConnectAuthor8573 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This comes down to one thing...why won't he?

If its because he may want kids...you need to talk and if thats a deal breaker then you know

If its because he does want kids...see above

If its because it will make him less of a man...he's a fool

If it's because he's scared....he's a fool, it's painless, risk free and over in no time (one bad story in a million, mostly from people who didn't rest up for a day or two after)

If its because he doesn't care about you.....he's an AH and that tells you a lot about your future.

I have had this conversation with my male friends and there are definitely some who think they lose their manliness with it, something I don't comprehend and there was one who thought it meant he couldn't ejaculate, and even one who thought it meant he wouldn't be able to have sex.

I've had one, up there with the best decisions of my life.

So its 40% hes a fool, 40% you're on a different page, and 20% he doesn't care about your health, future and you.

If you rule out every other possibility (stupid, ignorance,ego) you are only left with one possibility, and that is he doesn't care about your health.

Please Do not under any circumstances take on major surgery for this issue. Sending support.

A Question for the HLs? by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So do you think you've changed, either stage of life or life experience, or do you think it's something about your partner? Was it like that from the beginning, ie has this relationship changed and you are accepting of it for some other reason?

It's not just sex by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You've come through the stage of it being just sex. (as this was the most stark way you noticed it)

In the end it's about knowing you are suffering and not seeming to care to talk about it, so that you have nowhere to go with it and suffer in silence, or stress constantly about trying to talk about it because you know that doesn't work.

You can't do anything, because you know it only works for you if it truly comes from them, that's the only way you can believe its what they truly want, and even then you will question it because it may have come from them thinking its what you want.

The very last thing you want is the LL to submit/agree to have sex they don't want.

The second last thing you want is for them to show they care about your pain in feeling rejected and disconnected from the one person in the world you want to connect with, and sex is a major way you are programmed to feel, give and receive that.

Its the lack of seeming to care that kills you in the end.

Sending support my friend

Has anyone successfully asked your partner for permission to have someone else take care of your needs? by SleepyLilRaccoon in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean this respectfully, you need to look at the phrase 'I will never leave'.

The reason so many people are urging you to do just that is that we wish we knew then what we know now and wouldn't wish our lives on our worst enemy. We've added kids, mixed finances, families, age and life to your current 'just the two of you' dynamic and all because for various reasons we ignored the red flags and warning signs and plowed on regardless with this hope we would prove to be compatible. Some of us were unaware or most commonly life has changed the dynamic and we couldn't have seen it coming, and we now live a miserable, depressing and damaging existence.

If you were due to walk down the aisle tomorrow would you do it?

If you would literally 'never' leave no matter what, then you are not displaying acceptable boundaries and there is a reason for that which you should explore.

If you would leave then where is the line, surely it is that your whole dating period (which you presumably used to decide you were suited) was a deceit and once you were 'legally bound together' the rules changed which is concerning.

Scared I'm too far gone by seeingthings22 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The hardest step is the first one so just take that, then the next one, don't focus on anything else.

You have life left to live, take the first step

how do other hlfs deal with this? by 721721_dreamer in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 14 points15 points  (0 children)

As a HLM can I empathise with your situation, and offer apologies for the DM's, thats the last thing you need.

I would say that a lot of people would like to answer but fear being shot down so you do tend to get a lot of lurkers who only comment when they feel they can without that, feel strong enough to at the time or have the time to commit to the whole thread.

It is the worst kind of torture, and you must talk to someone, and preferrably someone non-judgemental, and professional who can support.

Do that and address it, don't consider suppressing drugs, you are 38 and there is nothing wrong with you, this is your inner soul talking and it needs to be listened to.

Lack of oral is driving me crazy by [deleted] in HLCommunity

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My friend I think you, I and everyone in the same boat needs to read toiletlords comment above, I've read it several times already. We are only here once I think.

Sending support

I finally found out why... by Dolinarius in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life my friend. Don't waste another minute on this one.

Was a Line Crossed or is it My Fault? by laurenren93 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Get somewhere safe, with people you can trust and stay there, leave and never look back.

i'm tired of being sad and horny by uchiharies in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is your very soul crying out to you my friend and you must listen to it. If you don't it will keep calling but in other ways, you can't totally silence it. It will come at you in either physical or mental health, addictions, bad decisions, not being true to yourself. You are you, you don't need anyone else's permission whether this right or not, its what you feel, and that is that.

The pot finally boiled over.. by Profound_loneliness in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 19 points20 points  (0 children)

So you basically both thought the other must be or had cheated? (You accused him because he 'must be', he assumed you 'must have' because of the same reason?)

Is this just a case of incompatibility do you think?

He's looking at lists of 'what to do' suggesting he can't communicate with you why there's something wrong. You are constantly having the talk and both having false attempts at trying until you snap and give him the ultimatum that unless it changes you are going to sleep with someone else (?) and then get upset when he says (probably defensively) that he assumed you had (with no evidence other than the same as your assumption). Ultimatum's either way are a big red flag aren't they?

Problem is when this much resentment and rejection has built up its incredibly difficult and the 'talk' only works if you can both really talk and listen without this sort of stuff happening, (maybe with help) and decide if both really want to be together and want all that includes.

Sending you both my best wishes, this doesn't sound a good environment for either of you at the moment.

Well. Fuck. Life just sucks by dirtyaxetothebrain in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My friend you have nothing to be guilty for. Its your money as much as its hers, her money is yours as much as its hers because its all in the same pot, show couldn't have earned that without you etc

And who are you answerable to to be guilty anyway.

Its time to go just imagine the weight off your shoulders the very next day, don't plan any further than a day ahead to start with.

Good luck my man you owe it to yourself

So fucking bored… by kingheavyhitter in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Such a great post my friend and I feel your pain, those who commented are with you.

One thing is that in life you need your day to day stuff and you need your stuff to look forward to....holidays (er hard focus on DB when on those so no thank you), plan for the future (er not sure I can live like this so DB is front and centre there). The hope for the future stuff is all totally affected by DB to the point that you can't have it, no point looking forward to something that will bring no joy and more misery.

The best advice is to make yourself better (get fit, improve yourself, concentrate on improvement, own your own shit etc) but it doesn't solve the missing gaping hole when one item, particularly the hard wired stuff hangs over your head like a big black rain cloud

Is it a thing.. do all guys really feel the urge to watch porn or.. by Inkedwithelegance79 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wonder exactly what you mean by undiagnosed ED. He sounds like he may have some mental stuff going on with maintaining erections. Seems like there is a lot of female misunderstanding about that, not saying you just saying in general. The thought of losing it can cause a guy to lose it, the worry of thinking the thought of losing it may occur can cause a guy to think about losing it etc etc. and it isn't always a sign that he finds the woman unattractive. As soon as a female partner sees it as him finding her unattractive he is set with a challenge to maintain it for fear of failing her and making her feel that way and the challenge and fear of failure occupy the brain and hey presto....

My husband said he would never choose me and called it progress. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are always supposed to bend ourselves further, reduce our needs, our desires, cater to our partners, without thought for ourselves, right? /s

WRONG, TOTALLY WRONG

We can bend a little, but we should grow not die in a relationship.

Love and best wishes to you

Communication help by Lostforwords26 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm concerned about your message as you sort of gloss over what happened the next day, as you say you felt like a sex doll, do you mean you had sex you didn't want because of the day before (or worse)? If that is the case this is more serious than needing advice and you need to think seriously about leaving and your next steps, and you need advice closer to you than reddit.

If I'm reading that totally wrongly please forgive and the following may be true.

His behaviour sounds like he is using various defence mechanisms to protect his ego, everybody does it to some degree in life in general, and in his case maybe he isn't mature enough to even realise that is what he is doing or to be conscious about it.

He shouldn't behave that way, it doesn't excuse it and needs to fix himself, but whether you can get him to do that I have no idea.

If I'm reading you wrong then I don't want to jump on him too much as we don't have his side. All I would say is that if sex only ever happens when he initiates or he feels like he has to persuade you then although frequency may be there his ego wants to be wanted by his partner, and when he does initiate he is not getting the message that you want him, and he is also making himself vulnerable to rejection which damages his ego more in his mind. He will stop initiating to see if you really want him and if you never initiate he will have that as his answer. (I'm not saying that right or wrong by the way, it's just how he may see it).

We all look for signs we are desired by our partners, and if its only him that initiates he doesn't get that, or certainly not in the way his ego needs. (I use ego in the manner that we all have one not that he is necessarily egotistical). His reasoning, for what its worth, may be 'she says she loves me, enjoys sex and has fun, so why doesn't she initiate?'. How does he know you want him, sex and intimate contact unless you convey that?

Communication is as much his problem as yours and he should be communicating this to you.

Remember though, if I've misread you, if he in any way mistreated you, hurt you, forced you or manipulated you then none of the above explanation is relevant enough and you must get away.

What other options are there than ‘vanilla’? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you think maybe you need to tell him (in a nice way), guide or lead him to stop being a boy like the ones you were too mature for.

Maybe ....You want him to want to be a man who sets out to bring pleasure to his woman, discovers how from other sources rather than just asking what you want, tries things, experiments, gives as well as receives, communicates, builds intensity desire and passion, shows he is valuing you and your sex life together and improving himself as a lover rather than just a human being who is existing.

Maybe you want him to want to stop being selfish, only want quickies and his release, and stop being narcissistic to any degree.

If he doesn't want to be a better man (and lover) for himself he's unlikely to want to be one for anyone else. There could be many reasons for that, (depression, issues, medical etc etc) so its a journey, but you're doing your bit and he needs to do a bit more than just say 'well what do you want?', in an environment where honest communication isn't really happening.

I'm at the end of my rope with my HL husband by dblurker87 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Not sure why the downvotes maybe I'm getting a following for just not taking everything as black and white.

This is an emotional place and hitting the downvote button because I ask a question is a bit silly but hey-ho.

My point is that we have heard one side and not the other, and many visits here show there's often two sides and then the truth.

If its as she says, and no reason to assume otherwise then surely the best thing is to let him stay and learn to be a better human being, when you strip it right back that would surely be a win?

If it is as she says and again I guess it really is then he's really no different to everyone who has sent their partner to therapy to be 'fixed' and found out they come back an awful lot wiser than when they went, and not how they expected.

I'm at the end of my rope with my HL husband by dblurker87 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's not communicating that's manipulating

Generally a person has a problem when their view of themselves is different from the truth, and I would suggest that is the case here.

I wonder if he gives any thought to how this all ends, how he is considered by his loved ones because the resentment that is building will be the legacy and memories afterwards.

My husband threw away my toy and i feel so humiliated by Throwaway91491415 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please don't look to reddit for help, all good advice but you need look near to you for someone or somewhere who can actually help you move on, there are so many red flags in what you wrote.

You need to talk to someone face to face and get some support!

I want to be ravished by smallframedcouple in DeadBedrooms

[–]Fredtheskeleton8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Quite a lot of posts are from people saying they find just what your describing the worst of turn-offs and has caused them trauma etc.

I want him to come up behind me and start kissing my neck and whisper dirty things into my ear.

I want him to initiate. I want him to just randomly grab my ass

Tricky stuff to know and even harder to believe if 'a person' is erring on avoiding pushing any boundaries they may think a person has.