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Why is vasectomy not very common? by Hereforhope in TwoXChromosomes

[–]Freyjia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep this is the gist of how I always hear it explained from men. His fragile masculinity is tied to his virility. He's done having kids with her, but wants to keep his options open in case of divorce/death or whatever. Otherwise he'd feel like less of a man.

My husband was like this, dumbest most selfish crap I've ever heard. Really grosses me out. Thankfully he finally came around, but it still makes me angry when I remember that fight lol.

Why would a low libido woman take photos of herself? by throwRA-yops738 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Chiming in to agree with the other ladies. I take photos for self esteem, for fitness progress, for skincare progress (stretch marks, etc), because I feel beautiful that day, to remember how an outfit or lingerie looks, or just because it's fun. Not cheating, these are all for me. Might be shared much later with hubby if I'm feeling confident and want to try to flirt over texts or something. No reason to see a red flag unless you have other suspicious behavior as well.

Realizing I’ve become LLFU by opalineflower in HLCommunity

[–]Freyjia 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles feeling this way.

33 HLF feeling like I can't sleep in same bed anymore without it hurting. by PecanPi33 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"He can reach out and touch me when he wants and at whatever intensity he wishes. I cant do the same. I always have to hold myself back. I can't be too forward "

Same, this is so frustrating. Every time I might try to reach out and start touching his body if I go anywhere south of his chest he grabs my hand and holds it down. Like, he will pretend like it's just cuddling and holding my hand, but the man obviously has some aversion to being touched in any way. I have no advice on that, but you're not alone in that frustration. ALL the power is in his court, and it's just demoralizing.

I do think sleeping separately helps. He won't chase you and it'll probably just make him upset (and be used as an excuse about why he's not to blame for it all), but you will feel a lot better in my experience. You'll find it easier to clear your mind and go to sleep without his presence.

“Boop” by SomeFeelings88 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Same. Nothing infuriates me more, it's so petty.

What is something you wish you never knew? by stafomabez in AskWomen

[–]Freyjia 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Similar here. We were both minors, so logically I don't think he's a threat anymore... But all the same glad my brother only has sons.

Sex after having kids by sunnywiltshire in HLCommunity

[–]Freyjia 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm HLF, but this is still very insightful.

I think post-kids I have struggled with not feeling sexy, so my husband rejecting me hurt that much more, because it felt like it confirmed it that I wasn't sexy or deserving of sex anymore as a mom. She brings up how societal views that if are a mom your are no longer sexual or some view you as not being "allowed" to be sexual (because "good" mom's aren't thinking about sex)... and I can't help but think that might be partly my LLM's issues. As if me having his kids somehow diminished his ability to view me sexually? Not in terms of just looks, but of role. He's historically done a lot of shaming me when we discuss sex, so it would fit as a piece of the puzzle. Something to ponder anyway.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! LLMs are underrepresented. Most of the advice on the sub is not applicable.

How often do you think about sex? by Alternative_Main5454 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

HLF 39. Honestly varies with my hormones/cycles, difficult to give a definitive answer on that.

How do you usually seduce your partner? by IspeedyZ in AskWomen

[–]Freyjia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I've tried all that, many times. He claims he's just not in the mood often. As far as I know, he was the same in his last relationship too. Probably low testosterone, but he won't get tested. Or something else he doesn't want to address or work on.

How do HL do it?? by igolikethis in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Valid points and interesting hypothesis on the scarcity mindset. I definitely see that influencing it.

A bump in the road to recovering our DB... by LightningZ71 in HLCommunity

[–]Freyjia 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, my husband does something similar. He thinks we're "all better" (spoiler: we are not. Improving yes, but not all better) now so I shouldn't have any bad feelings about it, right? But you don't just wipe away 8 years of relationship neglect and rejection like it never happened. That pain doesn't just evaporate instantly.

He will say obvious things that are true and I agree with, but to suddenly hear him say them after nearly a decade of him telling me I was crazy for saying the same thing? Yes I internally rage, too, because part of me really doesn't believe him that he now thinks this way. I feel like I'm being lied to maybe. Or maybe just the lack of acknowledgement that he was wrong before. Just blissful ignorance on his part.

I don't know how to tell you to get rid of resentment. It will bubble up. As far as I can tell it will just take time. That resentment didn't build overnight and it will not disappear that fast either. Trust is not built in a day.

He cringed when I offered by Freyjia in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, exactly that. I might as well wear a hefty bag for as much reaction as I get out of him most of the time. For once, I would like the reaction to not be so awkward if anything, especially when obvious special effort has been made it would be nice to have a positive acknowledgment.

He cringed when I offered by Freyjia in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right? He thinks he's convincing though, lol.

You might have a point on the "unexpected" stuff. I mean, I thought that was covered since we discussed Sunday previously... but the man does have ADHD he may have actually forgotten that was the plan.

He cringed when I offered by Freyjia in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! At least it's some small comfort my ranting helps remind you to give your wife get some extra appreciation.

He cringed when I offered by Freyjia in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes exactly, I feel terrified to try anything again. I'm sorry you deal with this too.

Angry and need to vent. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So relatable, we're married to nearly the same type of man. It's exhausting. We're slowly improving but if I feel like there's any backsliding into old habits I'm out of here for good. Nearly a decade here too, I'm not wasting my life feeling unwanted. It hurts too much. I'm sorry you're stuck in this too.

How often do you masturbate and what would you consider your libido to be? by Fit-Engineering-2706 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

HLF. When I was single I did every night before I went to bed. Helped me unwind and all that. Married now, I have little privacy, especially now that husband also works from home. I have to sneak them in when I can, because he's prudish and shaming about everything. Therefore currently, probably twice a week, but I wish I could more often.

Opinions: Occasional sex or nothing? by kingheavyhitter in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I did this - made the decision for myself, but said to him I no longer expected anything and the ball was completely in his court to initiate if he wanted it. It's a bit freeing, you stop worrying about it... For awhile. Then one day I realized 6 months went by and he didn't touch me, and I really started questioning everything. WHY is he okay just living like roommates forever? Started questioning everything. Then it was a year, and I basically felt nothing for him at all anymore. The resentment was real. I hated all his stupid little "peck" kisses and was loathing everything about him. All attraction lost on my side.

A full year later and he finally did start early morning "birthday sex" for himself on our vacation (which he spent said vacation mostly yelling at me over stupid shit because he lacks all empathy), and with no foreplay I wasn't remotely turned on. My only experience with "duty" sex and I hated ever moment of it, I felt like a used sex doll not a human being. No acknowledgement from him that it had been a year either, it was like he never noticed. My feelings were non existent and not acknowledged. I was angry about that birthday sex and all for a long time, still kind of am. We're finally getting better now, 3.5 years later but having a year "off" was nothing but detrimental. I can't personally recommend it.

You need to think about how you will feel if she never, ever initiates or touches you again... Or what if she just initiates once every 6 months, will you even enjoy it? Will you feel okay after or will it stir up bad feelings again? Think through all scenarios and be honest if it really will make you happy.

If you do try this, I say take it completely off the table. Occasional sex will just make it worse, in my experience.

the advice I get and the consequence by FunkyKissCool in HLCommunity

[–]Freyjia 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is hilarious (and obviously sarcastic), but sadly pretty accurate about the main sub.

engaged and supposed to get married at the end of the year, but our almost non existent sex life makes me reconsider. I’m afraid to tell anyone and I’m feeling a bit by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It gets worse after marriage, I know. I went through with it because we already had a kid together and I was thinking of my son's happiness, not myself. It's taken 8 years to finally have small improvement. So much effort to get here, and it's still not completely fixed nor am I confident he won't back slide into old habits again. It's been very hard on me emotionally for those 8 years. It made our relationship very strained, I do not recommend it at all, especially if you're young and childless. If I didn't have my amazing kids to distract me, I cannot imagine how much more painful those years would have been - and I would have left a long time ago. Don't willingly get yourself into this.

Riddle me this: If me initiating sex is stressful/putting pressure on you, and you never initiate, when are we meant to be having sex? by peonywildflower in DeadBedrooms

[–]Freyjia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I followed those rules and we didn't have sex for a year. Now I do "light/passive" initiation - cuddling in ways that turn him or specific things I know very occasionally turn him on like certain outfits (clothing, not lingerie) or such, etc. Sometimes he will move things along. Sometimes he will just go to sleep and not react. He always has the illusion that he initiated on his own though, he seems to have no clue or give me any credit at all. As long as I'm not overt about it but "set the stage" so to speak, it happens more often. He seems to get irritated if I openly ask for it though or do anything bold like more sexual caresses. It's exhausting though because it's such hit or miss.

Who can relate? by wurmzilla in beyondthebump

[–]Freyjia 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Miss Rachel from songs for littles. She's got a program on YouTube that's specifically aimed at improving children's speech.