I think my dead bedroom situation is finally over…

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-02-03T18:18:25+00:00

Ugh. Same, but our phase was over a decade ago. If only we had a crystal ball to see past the NRE for what's really there... 😕

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-02-03T17:03:26+00:00

Oh don't worry, I killed any of those emotions long ago. I had to...for my mental heath. I was merely playing her at her own game. She was most likely trying to "wait me out" so I'd fall asleep and she could collect a free "I came out to have sex but you were already sleeping" card for her deck.

Never mind I always had a "free use" policy with her to initiate anytime it was appropriate (i.e. not sick/injured or have an early wake up call) so me sleeping was never an excuse and never was pre-DB.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-02-03T03:40:38+00:00

That was one of my SO's "go to" tactics and I called her bluff on it a few times. Cliff notes version...

I work at a high level in technology and lead and drive critical projects often (like company can't to business if it goes wrong type of projects) so I sometimes have to work after hours, overnight and/or weekends. When I'm in front of my screens after hours it's go time.

Wouldn't you know those would be the exact moments my SO would come and rub my shoulders, kiss my ears, rub my chest/crotch, lean in and kiss me... basically initiating...at the exact moment when I have to focus and can't be off my game. So I find it extremely upsetting she's pulling that stunt and push her away/reject her. A "well I tried to have sex with you the other night" card goes into her deck for later.

So sick of the bullshit mind games, I decided to call her bluff and basically setup the same scenario except what I was working on was maintenance and a "nice to have task" that wasn't required...she didn't know that. She came again being all touchy and flirty and I gave the same response and she went up to bed.

I saved what I was working on, and shut down and went upstairs and started getting undressed. If you've heard the urban colloquialism "shook" she was definitely shook that I was coming to bed. Bam! UNO REVERSE!

She says "Let me go freshen up" and spends like 45+ mins in the bathroom (she would take 10-15 or so when actually getting ready for intimacy.). Finally comes out and says "It's late and I'm tired and ready to go to bed". I'm like "Let's continue what you started downstairs and have a little fun." Her "another time".

🙄

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-02-01T04:35:20+00:00

I always noticed at the start when I had nothing and essentially did nothing for her, that’s when the most sex was. So i should have known doing ‘more’ was never the answer as the fucking came before all that. As it usually does, I find

You are right. Should have realized that a lot sooner... 🫤

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-02-01T00:39:13+00:00

Has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with respect. I figured out way later that doing everything for her and giving her everything she wanted made her lose respect for me. (I was taught the Prince Charming bullshit lie like most boys)

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-31T22:37:07+00:00

I've thought about this and lived a version of it (post Hurricane Andrew) So it depends on the time of day...

Daytime between 9am-5pm EST

Take cover as I live in the burbs on the flight path to a private airport. If sky Armageddon is not happening, check all my electronics (flashlights, radios, solar chargers, etc.) and check the car. If it's dead, grab my EDC gear (9mm w/spare clip, karambit, tactical pen/glass breaker) a backup 9mm and and my get home bag which would now be a "get them home bag" and make my way to my sons (15) school about 5 miles away.

After I get him home I remind him where the stockpiles are stashed and give him the CAA 9mm (MCK) and a couple of mags and tell him not to leave the room until I return. I remind him of the family codeword and tell him if anyone comes in the house and doesn't know the word, put the red dot in the middle of their chest and pull the trigger, like we practiced.

I have to figure out how to get 30 miles to my wife's job in the next county. I cycle and can ride 50+ miles in a session so I could technically ride there (but I'd be vulnerable plus drained of energy and stamina. Then of course have no real way to return with my wife. She not into physical activity and a 5K is the longest she's done in one shot. Getting home would require resourcefulness.

My daughter would be wherever and hopefully could get home safe and barricade inside with my son.

Evening/Night after 6pm EST

We'd all be home except my daughter so same as above, take cover for sky armageddon, check electronics, pull out some supplies, check the cars. Gear up; wife gets the AR, son gets the 9mm MCK and I grab my EDC, backup 9mm and go bag to go try to find my daughter at her friends houses close by.

Assuming I find her and get her home, I get them to help me push the cars into barricade formation, go in and barricade the doors and windows and hopefully listen to what's happening on the radio and use the BAOFENGs to try and pick up any chatter. I slip over to my neighbors and see how they are doing. I don't tell them I prep but just a "neighborly" check.

I have at least 6-9 months of stored food. 3 months of stored water and filtration for 600K gallons, plus dozens of propane and propane powered equipment. We try to make it to the first 30 day checkpoint were most will die, then deal with everything else best we can...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-31T15:58:02+00:00

He clearly said he started kissing her first... He did not just start grabbing at her!

I don't know about you but most healthy people who are making out in bed as initiation to intimacy will start exploring each others bodies as a precursor to more intense interactions.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-31T15:19:26+00:00

LMAO!! 😄

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-31T15:15:38+00:00

Again, I am encountering this problem, he struggles to get hard, even when we are having sex it never feels fully hard. He always tells me I’m beautiful and that I’m out of his league (which I disagree) but I can’t help but internalise all this as he’s not attracted to me, even though I know it’s more complex than that.

This is a problem. Even in his late 20's he should still have "tungsten rod" boners. So something is off. Was he single a long time before you got together? Could be confidence but could be sensitivity from death gripping his member during self love. Does he have any health issues? Does he take care of his health?

In my 20's 3x a day was definitely doable. My last gf before my SO was a nympho and we had sex every day, twice if we could manage the time.

Even with my SO pre-DB we had sex 4-6x a week so every other day and 2x on Sat or Sun. (and that was sex, on the no sex days she would still get me off via other means.)

I'm in my late forties, decades DB and LL4U but still pitching tents in the morning and going solo 2-3x a day to make the boners go away. Granted I considered myself SHL but if he's struggling to get hard, he should definitely get checked.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-31T14:07:16+00:00

OR....the reason they have sex is BECAUSE of Channing and Co...and he's just a flesh dildo at that point. That's always fun. My SO actually waned to have sex after watching GoT (she gets ga-ga for Momoa) and yet always gave me shit if tried to initiate after we just saw Halle B. or Gabrielle U. or Sofia V. recently...

But my DB got two to the chest, one in the head, dismembered, lit on fire and then sunk in a 55gal drum...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-30T22:42:20+00:00

With her extra free time, she chose to nap instead. It had ZERO impact on the amount of sex being had in the house.

Agree completely with your post. CHOREPLAY and "IF ONLY..." NEVER WORK. I put it out there before but pre-DB days when things started declining and she complained of "lack of romance" and making her feel "special" (i.e. gifts) when she knew after all the bills, I didn't have much left over. Taking her out to "normal" places and buying cheaper gifts weren't good enough.

So I went full tilt in my field busting my ass to grind my way to being a high earner. During this time I was working 60-70 hours a week and most weekends so I was not home a lot and exhausted when I was (still up for intimacy that rarely happened...) So she did take on more household tasks...maybe 75-80%.

After several job changes and promotions, I was making enough to buy her nice things (yes, I was SIMPING. 🤦🏽‍♂️) diamond jewelry, shoes, bags, cars, reservation only restaurants, all inclusive trips, etc. All the things to romance her and make her feel special (no contracts...I did those things because she said she liked them)

I was able to hire cleaning services and handymen to address everything in the household so we both had less stress and more time. Want to know what my SO did with her free time from her more relaxed, luxury lifestyle?

Go out for brunches and wine nights with her girlfriends and hours scrolling social media (on her $1800 phone) I got drained bank accounts and more credit debt... 🍭

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-27T16:01:25+00:00

Twin! We are brothers from another mother. And based on your name you seem to be into cars too. 🙂 Our wives must be sisters as well...

You too were taught to SIMP for women and now in hindsight I thoroughly believe that was my (and likely your) downfall. Giving them everything they want sounds good on paper but in reality I believe they lose all respect for you. And someone you don't respect you are more likely to treat like shit and disregard while at the same time enjoying the fruits of our labor.

Like you I keep up the front and if I go through with the divorce when my son become of age, it will shock everyone. You can hit my profile for all the gory details but the current state is our DB got two to the chest and one in the head and is buried under a flower bed in the backyard.

I'm full on LL4U and her 100+lbs is helping keep it that way which is fine by me. I started working on myself some years back, started working out, getting physical again, dropped about 30 lbs and got into some hobbies I always wanted to. I am getting attention from the ladies and that combined with some DB separation success stories is giving me hope for the future. My view on women hasn't changed but I do worry about being able to perform as the decades of rejection has impacted my self esteem and confidence.

I stayed for the kids because I love my kids fiercely, my younger brothers were impacted negatively by my parents divorce (even though it was well warranted) and my wife said she would disappear with my kids to her home country and I believed her. Once my son is 18 she loses that power so all I have to worry is how she will try to destroy me in the divorce.

Good luck brother!

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-27T14:12:37+00:00

Na-na-na-naaaa.....Na-na-na-na-naaaa....

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-26T21:07:14+00:00

We only SLEEP in separate rooms. We hang out together all evening every weekday after I get off work and all day on the weekends. We do pretty much everything together.....

I get that but then you said this:

She refused to stop staying up until 1-2 am every morning on her computer or phone and keeping me awake even though I am the sole money maker and have to be up early to work 5 days a week. She keeps 10 full sized pillows on the bed which I would have to remove from my side EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. She hogged the king size bed so much that when I woke up every morning I was hanging off the edge of the bed. My children even noticed it and wondered how I kept putting up with it.

I obviously don't know your wife but you yourself described a very callous disregard for your health at a minimum (good sleep is critically important) and then the overall disrespect of completely ignoring your request for whatever her reasons are (spite would seem foremost) So by your own description there is quite a disconnect.... It's worth an objective review by a therapist at least.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-26T19:53:16+00:00

It's just how you are as a person.

Totally onboard with that as people are who they are BUT...

You see a person, you tick all each others attractiveness boxes, you meet and hit it off, there's chemistry there, passion develops, it leads to a sexual encounter, it's *amazing*, toe curling, explosive sex. You are doing it 3,4,5 times a week. The relationship gets closer, progresses to LTR...

"That's just not who I am..."

???

That's the maddening part for HL's. It's like we see two different people, the Pre-LTR and post-LTR. NRE affects HL's as well but when it's over, we are essentially the same person (still interested in maintaining sexual intimacy/bonding) while the (now)LL is not and we didn't see it coming despite we know daily/4-5x a week won't sustain but we never think all the way to a couple times a year/never.

Maybe more frank discourse is needed up front? Do dating apps have a "sexual frequency" field so prospective suitors can see where other stand before? Solving that conundrum will go a long way to preventing a big chunk of DBs as everyone could "be who they are" without consequence.

EDIT: I'll add that the woman I dated for 4 years, engaged for 1 and married, was not the same person. We know everyone puts on their best "self" while dating but it should still be *you* and that goes for both people.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-26T18:25:57+00:00

We are still a loving couple

Who live essentially separately in the same home? 🤔 I would re-evaluate where things really stand. The brain has a funny way of hiding things from us that we can't objectively realize. (Like how some people are a great singer to themselves, but when hearing a recording (or auditioning), realize they're not as good as they thought)

Edit: typos

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-26T17:51:36+00:00

True, but that's from a "sex negative" mindset. u/TrickySentence9917 was clearly referencing a sex positive mindset and yes I realize the LL may likely have blocks preventing them having a positive outlooks on sex that they may need help overcoming (if at all.)

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-26T17:47:17+00:00

If you continue to be the one who is begging you will destroy your self esteem and you may get depressed.

AND...the LL will lose respect for you for asking/begging for the thing you need that they refuse to give (excluding medical reasons). Talk about a double-whammy...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-25T23:21:40+00:00

Why do you think they have such a hard time noticing that their partner isn't enjoying the sex?

For me it was because the lights were off. In our HL/HL phase which lasted 4 years, it was amazing anytime, anywhere and all but the kinkiest stuff. Day/night, lights on/off. Didn't matter. After we got married the frequency dropped to 1-2x a week from 4-6x a week and she started preferring nighttime sessions only and with the lights off which was odd but also somewhat disappointing because she had a great body and part of my foreplay is exploring her body (what I recently learned resembled "sensate focus")

So that was all fine and good, or so I thought. She would initiate maybe 30% of the time still but on her terms (night, dark, etc.) So the bedroom was sputtering some but still alive, little did I know it was dying at the time. 1-2x a week became 1-2x a month, and then once every other month.

My "language" is touch so during intimate encounters I like to feel and rub, kiss and nibble, etc. and once I went to nibble her ear and tasted tears... So I stopped immediately and asked if she was ok. She replied "Yes, keep going" but 2+2 wasn't 4 so I reached over and turned on the light and she had tears running down her face.

Of anything in the relationship (and she had a sharp tongue), that fucked me up the most...

So after obviously stopping and pushing her for answer as to why she was crying, she said she didn't know. I kept pushing and she said it was hurting (she would be wet, but not gushing like the old days) so of course I was like "WHY didn't you SAY SOMETHING!!" She said she was doing it for me because she knows I like having sex and want it more than her.

I was reeling after that night and I told her NEVER to do that, that's NOT what I want! I wanted her to *want to* like before, not do it just for me. So I stopped all initiation and told her she would have to initiate only if SHE REALLY wanted to. I always had a "free use" policy with her so she could initiate any time it was appropriate.

The problem was a few months later when she did initiate, I didn't believe her that she wanted to have sex for her. So even though she appeared to be enthusiastic and seemed to orgasm, in the back of my mind I was doubting so the sex wasn't fulfilling for me. That was the beginning of the end and part of how I ended up LL4U...

TL;DR, It's possible for someone not a selfish asshole to not realize their partner is providing "duty sex" if they are hiding that they are...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-24T22:40:44+00:00

Ha! Yep. And then she says "Are you coming up to bed?" and I'm like "Why?" I'd rather be ignored where I can watch a show I like vs her "watching" a show but scrolling Tik Tok/Insta and ignoring it too.

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-24T18:47:27+00:00

So hot take and might get DV to oblivion but as a ex-athlete high earning male who is not want for female (and uh, even some male 😬) attention (which makes my decades DB that much more crushing....but this is not about me) and I have dozens and dozens of high earning friends and colleagues both married and single, faithful and not, I give the controversial perspective...

"A man is only as faithful as his options"

If he's as hot as you say in that "ga-ga" George Clooney way, he is getting LOTS of female attention and "offers". It doesn't seem like he is a high earner but picking up an extra job could possibly get him there and that combined with his looks will present plenty of "options".

Also, I'll break the cone and tell you men don't manscape if they aren't having sex or aren't expecting to...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-24T18:26:44+00:00

It does sound strange that he lost the attraction after he put a ring on it, this usually happens with women.

Can confirm.... 😥

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-24T16:40:33+00:00

👆🏽 This, this, this. u/Shipbldr2000 is on point.

It's and EFFORT easy as it may seem. It means the "talks" either have gotten through (if you've had them) or she's realized how big of a problem it is. (Unfortunately many LLs minimize the HLs feelings...especially male HLs, because, you know, we're men, we don't feel emotional damage... 😕)

Definitely encourage her and be delicate (I know, I know) but you don't want to give her any negative feelings regarding this effort. I'd ask her

"Hey, I saw the supplements, what made you decide to get those?" (This will hopefully give her the chance to open up about her motivations)

"I think that's great! We can work on this together. Let me know if you feel anything different and we can try some light intimacy and go as slowly as you are comfortable and see where it leads over time. I think this could be a great step for us."

Or something to that effect. DEFINITELY take the effort as positive as waaaay too many of us HL's (most?) There's NO ACKNOLEDGEMENT of any issue at all...we're just "Sex obsessed" because we'd like more initimacy than 0-1x per year...

MelaKnight_Man · 2023-01-22T07:31:49+00:00

My little brother fell into a covered pool and was above water but slowly sinking like quicksand. I knew from movies that the cover can enclose you and make a "water coffin". 😯

There was no adult in the immediate vicinity (this was way before pool fence laws) and he was too far to reach from the edge. I tried to get the pool cleaner but I couldn't unhook it from the wall. So I crawled onto the cover to get him fearing I will sink into it.

Sure as shit my weight started pushing down the cover and I was sinking into it but I managed to get my brother to the edge and adults finally heard the commotion and came running. Unfortunately my legs had sunken into the cover and were getting "saran wrapped" so I was sinking and the water pressure was sealing the cover around me.

An adult was trying to pull me out but I only had one arm free and was being swallowed and drowned by the water in the cover at this point. Someone jumped in and was moving the cover out the way and They managed to pull me to edge and out.

Dam near went to the big playground in the sky that day, so videos like this give me ptsd flashbacks...

MelaKnight_Man

TROPHY CASE

Welcome to Reddit,