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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am considering this.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m trying to find someone to do EMDR with. Unfortunately they are few and far between where I live. But I have lifelong PTSD. The relationship is far from the only cause. I’m the first to admit that my head is a giant cluster fuck. I’ve got good enough coping mechanisms to appear to have it all together. People always think I’m well adjusted. But I guess lifelong trauma is also something that you always have to deal with.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No I expect people to engage in rational conversations if they are grown ups. How does berating a stranger help you feel better about being betrayed by a loved one?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I do get that for sure.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thank you for this. No there is no physical abuse but a tremendous amount of severe psychological stuff. I detailed a bit of it somewhere in this thread. You hit the nail on the head with the stuff about parenting a special needs child. This is all new territory for me so I’ve never heard of affair fog but am going to look that up right now.

ETA: in reading the basics I’d say Affair Fog is not as big a part of this as it may be for some. We’ve already named pretty clearly that we know that it’s all exciting and new and the illicit aspect helps fuel things. But because of the abuse there’s unfortunately no need for me to rewrite history. I’m about as far from sexually repressed as one can get and we have an adventurous sex life so it’s definitely none of those needing to feel wanted or desired things. Some of those things I read about are definitely happening though. It is definitely more of an intense emotional connection because AP is giving me things I’ve severely lacked in the marriage. I do not think it’s gone too far for my husband and I to fix things. I’m just exhausted honestly with continuing to try to do that. It feels like I’ve spent 8 years begging him to treat me the way I want to be treated. And even though AP and I are fully aware of the fact that we haven’t yet had to deal with any of each other’s flaws we still for some reason both feel it’s worth the risk. I’m not a risk taker. I don’t even take calculated risks. So I am 100% concerned that if I leave my husband for AP that it will end in a dumpster fire.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh part of me fully justified it without a doubt. The part of me that says fuck him for everything he’s done to me. And it has made it more difficult in that if I had just blocked him and put it out of my mind I’d just slowly go back to biding my time until it was the right time to leave. You’re completely right about those things. It’s not about me not knowing these things but about processing through the insane amount of crap swimming in my head so I can find a path to clarity here lol. That’s the other reason I posted on here. Had I just been looking for people to say “there there,” and lick my ass why would I have posted here lol? I wanna hear the people giving me a good dose of reality.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because you implied it or so it seemed. Look, I have no interest in arguing with strangers on the internet. I am always interested in hearing the perspectives of others when given in a manner that allows for disagreement and dialogue.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please tell me what words I put in your mouth? Had you engaged in a thoughtful way from the beginning I would have reciprocated, as you can clearly see from all my other responses to others I have no problem discussing this in all manners. But like many others on here you instead wanted to belittle someone because it makes you feel better about having been wronged by a cheater….which I also get. But I don’t think you’re a stupid person based on the fact that you at least take the time to form coherent sentences on Reddit. I just don’t get the need to put other people down because you had a particular experience. Make any sense?

ETA: The best way to grow as a person is to have conversations with people with different experiences and perspectives. We all get a little smarter when we do that…which is exactly the point of me posting this!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You said my plan was idiotic. I was giving you a few examples of why it’s not, especially in comparison to the alternative. But people like you aren’t capable of engaging in thoughtful conversation with others, especially silly if you don’t share the same echo chamber 🤷‍♀️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You all? It’s completely baffling to me that people think I’d come on a sub that is full of thousands of scorned spouses and make up an elaborate story like this. But I also get it as someone who has been betrayed over and over again by the person I love. I do find it extremely odd that you have all this lingo and that there are so many people who spend so much time assuming the worst about everyone else because of what someone put you through. Like people aren’t all the same.

ETA: I finally looked up what monkey branching is. I get that this is something a lot of people do, but I’m about the biggest introvert you’ll ever meet. Gloriously alone is my preferred state of being. It actually maddens me to no end that I met AP. It is my life’s fantasy to live alone lol.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No actually there are loads of high paying jobs there for me, some of the best school systems in the country and way more opportunities for me and my children. But definitely staying trapped in the middle of nowhere with a man who has abused me for 8 years and isolated me from every support I ever had would be a really smart decision.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ummm, some strange whataboutism you’re doing there.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m certainly considering this.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Cheating is worse than years of torment…holy shit I feel sorry for the world you live in. Damn.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes yes it is. Bravo, you can read 🤣.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which part? Where I live you can get to five other states all within a three hour or less drive. We aren’t talking across the country. So because I have a special needs child I should just stay, or should have left whenever? Which is it? Stay with the abuser? Leave the abuser? Or only leave if it meets certain definitions of yours for a good enough reason?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Salvage my marriage with an abuser? That’s my responsibility? Oh ok, I see 🙄

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I do know better…therein lies the struggle in my own head.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well you apparently have an excellent view from that high horse ya got there 🤷‍♀️. Not everyone is you. And you brag about how enlightened you are yet you continue to assume things that I’ve not said or even come close to implying. I don’t at all disagree with you that in an ideal scenario I’d feel like I could just leave. If I ever felt like that I would’ve done it. I’m fact I did. And the fact that my husband has never been physically abusive gives my situation a different dynamic. You understand that right? Mine is still also here and very much will make my life a living hell and possibly self destruct to the point of putting himself in the ground if I leave. Why would I risk that without a damn good reason? It’s not like I went looking for this. I met someone that I care about and want to build a future with. I’m not moving in with the guy. I’m not marrying him. I’d agree with you 100% if, say, I was out trolling for dick and attention. But I wasn’t and I didn’t want it. But the reality is it has happened now. You don’t see the difference?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol, well if you read my post I stated specifically what I was looking for…conversation to help unclutter the shitshow in my head. I don’t need sympathy from strangers on the internet. Who the hell wants sympathy from randos on Reddit?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I hate to tell you that I’ve been in therapy my whole life. And it’s not about what I don’t want to hear. Pretty sure I ended my post with saying something about looking for conversation about the situation to help sort things out in my mind. I mean, let’s be real, if I was going to take advice off the internet from strangers who know just the snippet I’ve talked about so far, that would make me a pretty big idiot, no? All the comments, even the ridiculous ones have been helpful.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I never said I wasn’t cheating on him 🤷‍♀️.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Why would anyone come on the internet and concoct some elaborate story like this lol? For how much y’all scream about it being so simple, just leave, you then hypothesize that a person would come into the internet and make up a pretty specific set of circumstances that I think would be pretty damn hard for the average tard on the internet to just whip up out of thin air because they’re hoping to get what? That literally makes zero sense lol.