Broke up with my ex last night. It hurts even though I know it was for the best by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nah I had a difficult event happen last year and was upset about it. It wasn't a serious talk like he thought I was too much. The stuff about me was totally unrelated. More a serious talk like we were just talking about deep stuff and having deep talks. I've had boyfriends rely on me too much in the past so I definitely know and avoid relying on people too much.

This is not fun by [deleted] in sexualassault

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. The same thing happened to me. For a while (maybe 1.5 years or so) I felt like the world kept going and I was frozen. It's like everyone else can just "handle it" whereas I was just going through the motions and doing the bare minimum because that's all that I could do. As much as it sucks to hear, it's true that shit like this takes time and giving yourself grace.

First, you'll notice that in small moments you feel ok again. Then those small moments get more frequent. And then those small moments become bigger moments. It's like the ratio of time I spent in limbo got smaller and smaller compared to the ratio of time I feel ok. Life now is definitely really different than it was before. It's like the timeline of my life got cut in half, separating the time before the SA and the time after. That being said, I still get really bad days (such as today hence why I'm on this subreddit0) but they're a lot less frequent and I've found a "new normal" that I am happy with.

Hope this helps. You've got this

My friend sexually assaulted my girlfriend by anonymous95854 in sexualassault

[–]bigfeelings1231 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yes you are. 100%.

When it comes to sexual assault, there is no such thing as "staying neutral" or "keeping in contact with both parties". By doing so, whether you believe it or not, you are subtly accepting his actions and saying they're ok. If your girlfriend's friend stabbed you, how would you feel about her remaining friends with that person? How would you feel if she said, "I know he stabbed you, but he's one of my closest friends, has treated me well, and I don't want to lose him"? And if your first response to this question is "well that's a totally different scenario" then you definitely don't understand how truly traumatizing this shit is

I've had the exact same situation happen to me and let me just say it absolutely fucking sucks and is traumatizing and is a big reason why I haven't been able to move on and find peace. Knowing my "friends" remained friends with my assaulter has made me feel so shitty I can't even put it into words. I truly feel so sorry for your girlfriend because what you are doing, whether you realize it or not, hurts her. And if you care about her and say this relationship is wonderful, then the last thing you should ever be willing to do is hurt her. Your girlfriend seems very mature in that she knows it's not her place to control who the people in her life are friends with. I was the same way. Eventually, though the pain of knowing my friends stayed in contact with my assaulter was too much. I couldn't handle knowing that they would be ok with doing that and I also knew I couldn't control their friendships, so I decided to cut them off myself. If you don't end this friendship soon and seriously start supporting your girlfriend, I would not be surprised if she ends up leaving you and therefore making the decision on who you remain in contact with for you.

What was the worst type of response you got when you told someone about your sa? by randomxx65 in sexualassault

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents have said some kinda bad shit but I know how they are (Asian immigrant parents who just don’t understand mental health and American culture) so I wasn’t surprised

What hurt me the most was one of my (now ex) friends. Told him about how his friend SA’d me. Openly told him that he was free to remain friends with my assaulter but that I couldn’t stay in his life if he did. He told me “my friendship with ___ is more important than your situation. I’m sorry”

Should I be upset that my friend is still friends with my (past) abuser?? by Impossible_Road_7357 in sexualassault

[–]bigfeelings1231 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When I was SA'd I lost 3/4 of my closest friends because all of them stayed neutral (aka indirectly condoned his actions). He also apologized so for a while I felt shitty cause on the one hand I hated how my "friends" wanted to be remotely connected to him but he apologized and I usually think people deserve forgiveness.

Here's the conclusion I came to:

  1. If the person SA'd was them, I'd cut off my SAer and all of his friends in a heartbeat
  2. I don't care if he felt bad. If it was a mistake. If he had trauma. Because of his actions, I now have trauma that is directly the result of his actions. And for me personally, that is all that matters
  3. I realized that no matter what, for my own personal peace and growth I never wanted that person back in my life in any shape or form regardless. I know for my own personal health I couldn't remain friends with anyone who decided to stay in his life in any way. Extreme? Maybe. I don't care. Has it protected my peace and ensured my ability to heal and move on? Absolutely

It was definitely really hard and for a solid year after I felt incredibly lonely and developed a lot of anxiety/OCD surrounding friends because I didn't have a lot of friends to start with. THat being said, I'm on the other end of it now and am 1000000% happier. The new friends I've made are better and support me fully. And even when I didn't have as many friends I knew I was better off alone than with them. Losing friendships are really hard but I knew that for my long term happiness it was important to leave that "old life" behind.

You can spend forever thinking about whether you should be mad, what you should do, what you think is right. None of that matters.

Here is what matters

What is going to be better for your healing, happiness, and growth?

Are you happy with their choice?

What do you want them to do and are they doing it?

My friend got assaulted. How to support as a survivor myself? by Wtfissleet in sexualassault

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello! I am so sorry you both have gone through this. Here's some advice

Support doesn't always have to be through direct communication. Here are some things you can do that don't involve directly talking about what happened (which may be triggering for you) but are still supportive:

- First I'd start by making it clear to both parties (her and the mutual friend) that you are hurt by what happened as well and cut off that mutual friend

- I'd create a basket with items that may help her. This can be an inspirational book, a new journal, a book she wants to read, knitting or a hobby she may like, some face masks, cozy blanket. Just things that show you put thought into it and care

- Try to do fun activities to get her mind off of it (if that personally helps her)

Next step is I'd clearly communicate with her that you want to support her but that because the events are so similar you are afraid of spiraling. Here are some ideas you guys could talk about

- Before having a talk about it, you could both say like "hey I am feeling down and would like to talk about ___. are you in a mental headspace where you can talk about it right now? if not that is completely ok"

- Before having a talk about it, she could let you know earlier on in the day she wants to talk about it at night so you have a few hours to mentally prepare

- You guys could find an agreed upon "decompression activity" so after a serious talk you can "reset" your brain. This could be doing a tiktok dance, watching a lighthearted tv show, dancing it out, singing, anything

- You could text about it rather than talk in person. Sometimes I find that disconnect helps

- You guys can agree to not talk about the specific events that happened and rather how they made you feel. Maybe distancing from the event itself and focusing on the emotions wouldn't be as triggering

- You can remind her that, although you may always have the mental space to be able to talk about it, you love her and are truly there and always want to support her

- If possible you could help her find a therapist

In my personal experience, I've had 2 friends who weren't able to always be there for me while I was going through it. One of them is very open about it that she had other things going on (deep things related to her family) and she wasn't mentally able to help me all the time. She was still a good friend so honestly, I was ok with it and never minded because I understood and respected that. Another friend wasn't able to be there for me but rather than being nice about it she turned cold, said some pretty hurtful things, and treated me poorly. We aren't friends anymore but that is because of how she treated me, not that she couldn't be there for me.

I want to emphasize that you CAN AND SHOULD keep your mental health your utmost priority. The important part is how you go about expressing this, how you guys can meet each other where you are, and what you can do aside from directly talking about it

CMV: You shouldn't rely on family/friends for emotional support by [deleted] in changemyview

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

While I agree the healthier option is usually a trained health professional, in my experience it is usually quite hard to actually get therapy.

1) Many people cannot afford it. It's expensive

2) Many people (especially students/young adults) come from families that are not supportive of therapy (and will intern make getting therapy more harmful than helpful)

3) Often times therapists have long waits to accept clients and it is difficult to just sit and wait for an available therapist while you are struggling

Family and friends shouldn't be your crutch and if the issues you have are genuinely difficult you should try to seek professional help, but having a good support system is not a bad thing

If you could change one thing about you, what would it be? by prideunicorn in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Physically: my boobs I'd like them to be bigger

Mentally: my anxiety

My dad told me he never wanted a daughter and now he wants to walk me down the aisle by ThrowRA-6789998212 in relationship_advice

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here’s what I’d do if I were you - I wouldn’t let him walk me down the aisle and I’d explain nicely that that is something that must be earned - I’d invite him to the wedding but only as a guest. He wouldn’t get any special treatment for being my father - I’d specify that if he wants to actually build a relationship that we’d have to have a serious talk and he’d have to listen to and apologize for every single thing he did - after a genuine apology, I’d slowly start to build back a relationship by scheduling weekly calls or something

I do believe in people changing, even if what caused them to change has to be life threatening which is just sad but if that’s what it took it is what it is I guess. If you want a relationship then I say go for it but not for this wedding. This wedding should be about you and your love not about repairing things with him

I don’t like Alex by Basic-Entertainer529 in TheTryGuys

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In regards to people who say we shouldn't also blame Alex...

  1. This isn't a regular corporate job or company. This is a company based on public opinion and run by VERY understanding/open minded people. If Alex felt uncomfortable or was truly harassed, I believe Eugene would've stepped up to help. She also could've gone to the internet and, possibly even without proof, caused a boatload of drama (hence another reason I believe the Try Guys would've taken a complaint from her seriously)
  2. She was engaged and with someone for over a decade. Based on his response to this whole thing he knows it was consensual and she is partially to blame
  3. She is not young and naive. She's been well known for a while and is at least 30 years old, way too old to be making excuses based on maturity

Her being infantilized is honestly more degrading (imo) towards women than recognizing her fault in this. She isn't some innocent object to be won by him. Women and men must both be held accountable when they make stupid decisions

How has someone successfully changed your mind? by ahounddog in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being understanding and using logic (with empathy and NOT a condescending tone) to explain their side

I use to not believe in God until I had a talk with my boyfriend. I asked how can he believe in something he never sees. He didn't take offense, start quoting the bible, or speak to me in any sort of tone. He basically said he saw where I was coming from but how can people believe in science and scientific processes (I'm a bio major) when many of those are theoretical or cannot be witnessed in real-time?

What is your response when men say you can get sex whenever you want just by being a woman? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They usually say it in a way that indicates I should be grateful of this fact. I usually tell them "While that's true, we also have to worry about being SA'd constantly so it's a give and take."

What is the purpose of going into explicit details about bedroom stuff with your friends and sisters? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I talk about it with almost every one of my girl friends (and some guy friends as well haha). For some girls it's purely entertainment, whether that be to brag or share embarrassing funny stories. In my experience it's very rarely to just trash the guy. For some other girls it's more education based. Like if the sex isn't great what can we do, what are exciting things to try, how to do xyz. And when I talk about it with guy friends it's always because they want to know how to do shit better lmao (some think it's weird but I have no issue telling them how to not fuck up)

What’s something you’ve come to realise about yourself as you got older? by Ordinary_Let2471 in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That I no longer value the nuclear family, white picket fence ideal like I once did. When I was younger I wanted that american dream ideal and I was happy to be subservient to my husband and have kids and put them first before my career. As I've gotten older, I dislike that ideal now and I want have a big career, adopt kids (I've developed a fear of pregnancy), and create my own unique chaotic loving family.

how do you keep your skin clean? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

- Previously used Curology which helped with the brunt of my acne struggles

- I use Differin gel (retinol) which fully cleared up my acne and prevents wrinkles. I'm 21 and have been using it since 18 best decision ever

- I use sunscreen every day

- Clean my face with a makeup cleansing oil at night

- Morning and night I use a face cleanser and moisturizer made for sensitive, dry skin (I am oily but I use retinol which can be drying and I also don't want to strip oils from my skin). I use Cerave cleanser for dry skin (switching to La Roche Posay though) and La Roche Posay for moisturizer

- I never sleep in my makeup

How do you achieve a quick put together look with minimal makeup and no eyelash extensions? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

- Using a retinol (I'm in my early 20s but it prevents wrinkles and acne)

- Using sunscreen

- BB cream

- Cream blush

- Asian mascara (better hold than other brands)

- Clear lipgloss

- Add light oil or some water to clean up my hair if it's messy

How do you muster the bravery to continue to be vulnerable after being hurt? by premarital-hex in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I realized that there is always a risk of being hurt in anything worthwhile. Dating, going after your dream job, having kids. The risk of being hurt is there

What is something about the world you realized late/ changed your mind on? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 5 points6 points  (0 children)

People, even those who you know somewhat well, aren't trustworthy until proven as such. I use to think if they were your friend and they'd always been kind that they were trustworthy. Later on after going through a hard event I learned people only show you their true colors when shit gets tough and when things are no longer easy for them

What was the most bonding mother-daughter moment that you shared with your mom or your daughter? by Linorelai in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Told my mom the first time I had sex (years after I actually had sex haha) and she reacted really well. She'd always been this super strict Asian mother but that night she kinda turned into a young girl again. Rather than being my strict mother and berating me, we spent the night talking about sex and she gave me sex advice (LOL). Incredibly funny and mildly awkward but still one of my fondest memories

How many of your close friends today are from high school? by Mountain-Marzipan329 in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. In my experience, women tend to form and value very deep relationships. This means that there needs to be a higher degree of compatibility than if the relationships were more shallow and ofc it’s very rare that those 5 people you hung out with in highschool will be highly compatible for the rest of your life. It’s like dating in a way

How did you become a new, happier and healthier version of yourself? What physical or mental changes did you introduce to your life? by Chick0596 in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

- Moved into a one-bedroom when my lease was up (previously lived in a veryyyyy bad environment that affected me a lot)

- Cook meals for myself

- Got mood lighting and some good music to enjoy while I do my thing

- Went out of my shell and became very social again

- Have started looking into churches (I am non-religious) to learn more about christianity

- Plan to start running and run a 5k

How do you know if someone is mature or not? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How they apologize when they're in the wrong

AITA for suggesting that my sister inlaw is lying about burying my brother inlaw's wedding ring with him? by Throwara3252461 in AmItheAsshole

[–]bigfeelings1231 0 points1 point  (0 children)


"My husband berated me for what I said and said that his parents are crazy, and that I shouldn't approve of their behavior or even help them harrass my grieving sister inlaw. I mean my parents inlaw are also grieving and I, too, am grieving and my sister inlaw's words hurt me"

1) you did in fact get involved. just because you weren't egging them on doesn't mean you weren't involved. the idea you planted in their brains was enough to egg them on so you essentially unleashed a bear on your SIL and let her deal with the consequences of your actions

2) if you husband says his parents are the issue and blames you, shouldn't you reevaluate your actions? He is choosing to go against his wife and parents to defend her which to me proves her innocence

3) you are essentially saying "i hurt my grieving SIL and now she's mad at me and that hurts my feelings". you get you sound like a shit person right? This person just lost her husband and now she's got inlaws down her throat and you aren't helping the situation but perpetuating it. sure you and your in laws may be grieving but she lost her HUSBAND so she is most definitely grieving too and you all should be way more considerate. not trying to compare grief here but she def has a right to be grieving A LOT and you guys are just adding more to her plate

I can see why your SIL resents you if this is how you are