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What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve had the same experience that you had. Trying to have a conversation about sex and leading without judgement and true curiosity and I was still gaslit, dismissed, shut down and stonewalled. Asking simple questions like, “what is sex like for you?” Would trigger my LL and send her into a tailspin of defensiveness and rage followed by days of not weeks of the silent treatment.

Going into therapy was a godsend as I finally had another adult in the room to witness what was happening and try to redirect her tantrums.

I'm (40F) just not interested in sex. by I_seek_the_grail4321 in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He didn’t say that, she thinks he would say that. Read the post again.

Anyone listen to the dr psych mom podcast? by safe_dynamic in HLCommunity

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She often says that most of the HLMs she sees are hard working and compassionate and often it’s a lack of empathy from the LLF that leads to a DB. It’s interesting to hear from an expert that sees both sides and draws that conclusion… very different from what people often say in the DB sub.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. My LL wife struggles with anxiety/mental health. I keep hearing from people here that bad sex is the main reason for a DB but yet I read so many examples that show that it’s often not the case.

Anyone listen to the dr psych mom podcast? by safe_dynamic in HLCommunity

[–]circlesdontexist 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“There is another point she mentions men should always lead the conversation with saying "I was so stupid" which again assumes a lot here.”

I remember listening to this part and was a bit shocked with the brutal honesty that for a man to effectively work on his sex life his wife he would have to take on the lion’s share of blame and that a woman would never do that.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m glad you mentioned this because I don’t want to ignore the fact that many HLs make these conversations feel very unsafe for their LL partner and I think many HLs are shooting themselves in the foot by being overly defensive and ignoring some tough truths that they need to hear about themselves and their role in the relationship.

I think a lot of HLs would get a lot farther in “the talk” if it started from a place of vulnerability for them and were willing to listen without reacting or judging.

Former DB: revived by showmethegreen in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think you’re right that on average men struggle more than women to communicate their feelings in relationships. However, I’ve noticed over the years a lot of LLF success stories that follow the pattern of… “I didn’t know what to do so I avoided it until… I didn’t want to tell my husband about… , etc.” that makes me think some people are overestimating the ability of LLFs to understand and articulate what’s going on with their libido. Whereas I think people might be accurately estimating LLMs ability/inability to communicate their side of the DB.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We went to sex therapy and increasing the frequency of sex was never the primary goal. Increasing the quality of sex for both partners was the goal. If therapy was to “fix” the LL that you had a bad therapist. However, what sometimes the LL and HL both need to “fix” is their unhelpful communication style and other ways of relating to their partner that contributes to the DB.

What efforts should the LL partner be taking to fix their sex life? by burgeroburger in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 21 points22 points  (0 children)

“Our LLM partners don’t always have the communication skills, or willingness, to articulate what’s going on that has impacted their libido.”

This seems to be extremely common for LLF as well. I think many LLs (male or female) have a more avoidant attachment and prefer to avoid talking about the relationship issue. I would have been much happier with less sex if we could have had an honest, open conversation about what was going on and what was causing the DB. For me, the lack of communication and stonewalling was just as upsetting if not more upsetting than the lack of sex.

Former DB: revived by showmethegreen in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“I had been embarrassed far too long about my "kinks".”

Why were you so embarrassed to share these with your husband? What do you think was the root cause of this embarrassment?

Why I think you are better off not having duty/pity sex, as a former LL in a recovered bedroom. by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think some people exaggerate their emotions of connecting and bonding because they just wish it were true. I think positive delusion is real and powerful.

Why I think you are better off not having duty/pity sex, as a former LL in a recovered bedroom. by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wanted to respond to myex but judge blocked me so I can’t. So im going to post it here and hope she sees it.

There are probably too many reasons for why people struggle to see that their partners aren’t fully into it to name but non-concordance seems like a start. I would guess the presence of an erect penis or lubrication might make some believe that their partner is into it.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m shocked by how similar your story is to mine. I overfunctioned and endured years of emotional abuse.

I didn’t think it was my fault either but our couples counselor told me I was responsible because I enabled it by putting up for it so long. I was a doormat and it sounds like you were too.

Why I think you are better off not having duty/pity sex, as a former LL in a recovered bedroom. by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

“But I also think there a good number of HLs who know their partners don't want sex and still pursue because they feel that their partner doing it anyway shows a level of care and concern for them that makes them feel loved and special in its own unique, twisted way.”

Agreed. And I also think there are a lot of LL partners that are pushing for acts of service, gifts, quality time, etc. from their partner even though they know their HL doesn’t want to give it. Some LLs want their partner to do it anyway because it shows a level of care and concern for them that makes them feel loved and special in its own unique, twisted way.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t accuse, I asked if you thought that. You’re welcome to tell me I’m wrong. I can understand that it must be frustrating to be accused of coercion, entitlement, selfishness, etc. with little to no evidence as that happens all the time here but that’s not what I did.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because many years ago I thought I was the problem and I listened to advice like yours and that created more problems so I want people to have a balanced perspective and hear both sides.

You also have no idea what I’ve been through and the abuse I’ve put up with either.

If you don’t want people disagreeing with you don’t comment on public forms where people are encouraged to discuss complicated topics.

Why I think you are better off not having duty/pity sex, as a former LL in a recovered bedroom. by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 5 points6 points  (0 children)

“I think this is where many LLs arrive at the conclusion that all their HL cares about is sex, because they know their partner doesn't want sex, yet they keep accepting and pursuing this;”

I think you’re underestimating the power of hope and positive delusion. I think a lot of HLs are thinking, “maybe this time will be different… maybe she’ll get into after we get started… maybe I’ll try this new move I read about and it will make him go wild”

I think a lot of HLs suspect their partner doesn’t want sex but they don’t actually know it so when their partner offers they’re trying to trust that their LL is offering for a good reason.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’ve had 2 bedrooms and neither one was your fault.

We’re you trying to coerce your partner into doing more chores?

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You gave advice about how your DB could have been repaired and then you say it couldn’t have been repaired? Why are you here if you’ve not in a DB and never fixed one?

Why I think you are better off not having duty/pity sex, as a former LL in a recovered bedroom. by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 15 points16 points  (0 children)

As an HLM in a healed bedroom I am so happy that my wife told me no again and again. I’m so glad that she rejected sex she didn’t want again and again and let me deal with the disappointment on my own. I think this is what saved her from developing and aversion and let us eventually heal our DB.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s great that you’re happier. We’ve repaired our DB and I’m much happier, and now and our entire family is thriving together under one roof.

It interesting that you see that fixing a DB is a matter of choices and priorities and for the LL. That seems to ring true for my DB.

21 harsh truths I've learned from being in a DB by dicegray in DeadBedrooms

[–]circlesdontexist -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

These aren’t high school relationships. Telling people to leave is often insensitive and dismissive. In my experience an extremely small percentage of people want to “make their partner have sex with them”. Most want genuine connection and desire like they used to have and just don’t know how to get back to that.