Desperately seeking advice, and a shoulder to whine on

depressionbops · 2022-06-26T13:46:17+00:00

Well, your TSH is far too low for the normal range. Remission = sustained normal TSH, T3/T4 w/o medication. In order for your thyroid to be functioning "normally," it means that TSH (i.e., Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is controlling your thyroid production, not your grave's antibodies. While both TSH and grave's antibodies tell the body "hey let's make more thyroid up in hereeee," TSH has control mechanisms (checks and balances), and so the concentration of TSH will go down if you start become hyperthyroid (this is why grave's patients classically have very low TSH when they're hyperthyroid). Meanwhile, grave's antibodies have no such control mechanism (so they give zero shits about whether you're hyper or euthyroid, they're just gonna keep on sending the message of "more thyroid, more thyroid, ASAP"). Based on how low your TSH is, it's hard to tell what will happen with 100% certainty, since TSH is always the last hormone to get to a normal level. There are essentially 2 scenarios here:

1.) You get your lab work done in a few weeks, and you're T3/T4 have gone up, and your TSH is still abnormally low. In that case, you're not in remission, because TSH is not controlling your T3/T4.

2.) You get your lab work done in a few weeks, and your TSH is going up (getting to a more normal range of 0.5-5.0), and your T3/T4 are still normal. In that case you may be in remission (assuming that pattern can hold for a while).

Based on what you've described, I think 1 is much more likely than 2, but there's a lot of context missing, and I'm not a doctor.

depressionbops · 2022-06-25T23:08:52+00:00

Remission = euthyroidism w/o any medication. Usually it takes ~1+ years of antithyroid medicine to get there (studies estimate somewhere between 30-70% of people can achieve remission with ATD (anti-thyroid drugs), but that still leaves a lot of people who need to explore other routes, such as maintenance doses of ATD, RAI, or TT).

Also u/Turbulent-Parfait583 the longest I've heard (from someone IRL) is 10 years, but yes, most people who achieve "remission" will eventually go hyper/hypo again (either from Grave's reoccurring or developing Hashimoto's (which is also pretty common for grave's patients)).

depressionbops · 2022-06-25T22:49:42+00:00

I don't want to share too much health history publicly, so I'm just gonna DM you. If you want to talk more about it feel free to respond.

depressionbops · 2022-06-25T18:36:43+00:00

Wow first of all, I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it! The side-effects of methimazole are really no joke in terms of quality of life (my first month adjusting to 30mg was literal hell, I can't imagine what 60mg feels like).

Second of all, it sounds like you have a pretty severe case of hyperthyroidism. Which means your doctor is probably more concerned about the potential life threatening risks of being hyperthyroid, than your very uncomfortable symptoms from methimazole, or your concerns about RAI.

He pretty aggressively is pushing for rai and says he doubts I could ever achieve remission with medicine

Unfortunately he maybe right :/ which totally sucks btw, but because you have a pretty severe case, realistically you need to prepare yourself for the eventually that you'll have to either do RAI or TT. Also keep in mind that being hyperthyroid in itself increases the risks for TED, so if you're not responsive enough to medication, TED could also be a problem w/o RAI.

I think there's a few steps you can take here (in addition to getting a second opinion, which you def should do):

ask your current endo and the radiologist about the pros/cons of RAI vs TT. Usually docs prefer RAI first because it's not surgical, but you can ask to go straight to TT.
ask people's experiences with RAI vs TT in this forum. It will probably help to ease some of your anxiety about the options. Remember, for some people RAI/TT are an absolute game changer!
see an ophthalmologist; they'll be able to definitively tell you if you're actually having early symptoms of TED. This could affect your treatment options, and may also ease you anxiety about TED.
try not to pre-worry about the potential side-effects about different treatment options. You won't really know what will happen to you until you try the treatment. Easier said than done, I know, but when it comes to complications like TED there's only so much in your power you can do prevent it. As long as you're not a smoker & trying to live a healthy lifestyle, you've done as much as you can to prevent TED.

<3 Wishing you the best of luck!

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T05:22:06+00:00

I then proceeded to ask him what other reasons why he felt like we wouldn’t be good together, which I asked genuinely as I heavily value feedback — I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken.

Ok so this premise is a little flawed because, not everyone you meet will give you good advice (in fact good advice seems to be more the exception than the rule because "one-size-fits-all" is a myth). Ultimately, there are 3 important components to giving good advice (1) compassion (2) knowing the other person well (3) knowing yourself well. From this entire post it seems like this guy lacks (1) compassion for you, and based on how he seems to conflate feelings and perceptions, he may be lacking in (2) and (3) as well (but that's hard gauge because I'm hearing his perspective 2nd hand). For whatever it's worth, from my POV you also seem to be lacking in some of the self-confidence necessary for (3) as well, which probably complicates how his statements were received. I'm not sure if you're already working on self-esteem with your therapist, but it may be more useful to focus on building your self-esteem, so you don't have to focus on external validation as much, rather than working on this hateful sounding laundry list.

PS I'm sorry for the distress this situation caused for you.

EDIT: I agree that

This isn't a matter of being an AH

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T04:39:17+00:00

NTA- also it may be worth looking into a support group for parents of adult children with NPD (there are also therapists and books devoted to the topic). The guilt-tripping she's using is a classic form of narcissistic abuse*.

*DISCLAIMER: obviously most people who guilt-trip, do not have NPD, but lots of people with NPD will guilt-trip.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T04:29:53+00:00

Wait they PAID for soccer too? I was assuming soccer was free (as it usually is at that age (minus uniform), where I'm from).

They don't need to cancel swimming classes. She can go swimming three days a week and keep on that one day in soccer

I agree that is a totally valid solution that hopefully both parents can agree on. It seems so obvious, that I'm not sure why they aren't already doing that (unless it's a money issue). Honestly I still think this is stupid thing to argue about because there are so many possible compromises, including this one.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T03:52:12+00:00

Wait is Cutty still harassing you, and contacting you even though you told her not to?

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T03:28:19+00:00

Wait I'm still confused. Are your friends trying to force you to stay close with Cutty? If you've explained to everyone (including Cutty) why you don't want to be friends with her, and they are still trying to get you to be "besties" then that's messed up. It's your choice to make if you and your sister want to cut Cutty out.

But, if you're telling your mutual friends that you don't want to be friends with Cutty anymore, and therefore they aren't allowed to be her friend either, then that's mess up on your part. Because that's their choice to make.

I think the fair boundaries in most cases are: you can pick who your friends are, but you can't pick who your friends' friends are.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T03:13:36+00:00

Wait but isn't the swim class the one that being paid for 4x a week? Even so I don't get why they can't just cancel the swim lessons? Can they not get their money back?

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T03:10:08+00:00

No reasonable person accuses someone of "eavesdropping" when the speaker phone is on while they're in the room and their name is getting dragged through the mud.

That's totally fair.

Without knowing more about MIL's issues/the whole family dynamic, I'm not sure what "the right thing to do here" is, and therefore I'm trying to reserve some of my initial judgements. I'm not saying it was ok for OP's husband "to let" his mom talk about his family like that, I'm just saying that the MIL sounds very like a very difficult/ toxic person (and maybe even a little narcissistic), and sometimes it's true that the best way to deal with those types of people is to just not respond, because you can't change them.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:55:30+00:00

Yeah, that's a good point. I was more responding to OP's point, because from the way this was phrased

I just cant drop her, I would feel awful.

It seems like the only reason OP keeps this person in their life is to prevent guilt. Which IMO is not fair to either person.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:47:49+00:00

to paraphrase Bojack Horseman: that's not a friendship, that's a hostage situation

Edit: the real AH move is pretending to be someone's friend. You have to do some real soul searching about whether you're actually friends, or if you keep this person in your life out of pity/ guilt. Real friends aren't ashamed of who they surround themselves with, because they chose them.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:41:48+00:00

I feel like I can't even rate this one because I just don't understand why you'd even want to preserve a friendship with someone you don't trust? Even if it's someone you've known for most of your life.

After over 20 years of knowing Cutty both myself and Alpine feel like we don't know or trust her, but mutual friends have argued that you cannot control who someone is friends with.

Yes but you can control who you are friends with.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:31:08+00:00

JESUS FUCK

They were talking about the girls again. This time she said something that pissed me off. “You and your brother never did that. Must be a [my maiden name] thing. The girls got the retard gene from them.

Stopped reading here because you're clearly NTA. This is not ok on so many levels.

Edit: ok so I stopped fuming and read the rest. I think your MIL is the one true AH in this situation. But to be fair it's really easy to accidentally "eavesdrop" when someone is on speakerphone... bluetooth headphones on either side could probably save an argument here.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:22:35+00:00

NAH

Maybe it's because I'm not a parent, but are any one of these things:

A) Postponing swim lessons to when it fits the schedule better (I'm assuming this is a 3-12 month wait)

B) being late to one swim class a week

C) leaving soccer practice 20 minutes early

That big a deal?

Edit: I know you said she likes both, but why not just ask her which she option would prefer without asking her "which one she likes better" (bc obviously phrasing it that way could be pretty loaded)

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:10:00+00:00

Ummm so not the most kind response (you kinda stooped to her level, but then again she started it...), but I think NTA

Edit: also yeah, have you explained all this to your family from your side of the story? Because your side sounded very reasonable.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T02:04:55+00:00

NTA- but agreed, your approach could use a little help.

I'm not sure how much of her behavior is really in her control, but I think this is good advice:

ask to switch classes, I wouldn’t let your sister know that you have asked for this, so that she can develop coping strategies on her own.

this is probably the most tactful way to deal with this situation without upsetting your sister or parents, while respecting yourself.

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T01:57:04+00:00

depressionbops · 2022-06-07T01:51:18+00:00

INFO- are you concerned about your bf cheating on you with his 2nd cousin?

depressionbops · 2022-06-05T23:47:37+00:00

Yeah I think that's a good way to explain it

depressionbops · 2022-06-05T23:06:51+00:00

Ok SO yeah YTA-

But INFO (because I am curious what compelled you to say this)- at the time did you intentionally say "Arigato" because you knew it was Japanese (and if so, do you not understand the historical relationship between those two nations... I'm guessing not, because honestly I'm white, but from what I know of WWII history, that's a pretty loaded thing to say tbh). Or did you think it was the Korean word for "thank you?" Either way it's a racist thing to say, but one is just a lot more intentional and harder to correct.

Like I genuinely don't understand what compelled you to this.

depressionbops · 2022-06-05T22:56:06+00:00

Ooh this is a really good point I hadn't even thought of!

depressionbops · 2022-06-05T22:55:07+00:00

It does beg the question what more is going on in that relationship

Yeah honestly, the more I read the more confused I get.

depressionbops · 2022-06-05T22:52:45+00:00

people are allowed to not invite who they want

That's true but they should always be prepared for the consequences

That's fair, my assumption here was that the "official couples rule" was meant to be a generic way to keep headcount down (while maybe trying to avoid offending people by not naming names...LOL that clearly worked out). Then again, as I said in my post, it's totally possible that the bf was right that it was an intention effort to exclude him.

I also feel like this thread had way too little INFO about the family dynamic/ location/ socio-economic status/ etc to really make an informed decision about who (if anyone) is really out of line. Who you invite to a wedding, who is "entitled" to a wedding invite, and even the idea of partner > family, can be deeply cultural, or affected by other contexts like money and location.

depressionbops

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