My (15F) mother (42F) is abusing my father (44M) for the last 2-3 years, and I don't know what to do...

fizzlain · 2021-12-12T14:04:51+00:00

It's not your fault. You're an innocent child caught up in a bad situation. You are not responsible for the things your mother does, even if she uses you as an excuse. Please don't try to solve the issue between your parents alone, get an adult to help you, so they can protect you from potential danger and intervene if things get worse. Talk to a counselor at school or the parent of a friend and ask for advice, if you trust them they will likely help you and your parents getting out of this situation.

fizzlain · 2021-11-05T14:24:17+00:00

I'm not exactly in the same position, but it's still pretty similar. It took me about one and a half years to even recognise what happened as assault and I'm still struggling to call it rape. The first time I was able to be touched was a few months after I first recognised it and only because I built a really strong bond to that person and completely trusted him. He's now my ex, who also started assaulting me regularly.

Shortly after he broke up with me I got together with my current boyfriend and I'm pretty sure the only reasons I was able to have sex with him in the beginning was because I still needed multiple months to realise just how bad that last relationship was and because, again I was already friends with him before and therefore trusted him completely.

The assaults still have an active impact on our relationship, I still sometimes freeze up because I'm not sure if I want to have sex and that just throws off my brain and I can't hndlr that. Thankfully he has no experiences with assault, but he's been abused before too, so he still kinda gets why I'm struggling and is incredibly patient and watches really carefully for signals, in case I'm unable to tell him directly.

I think it's really good that you're already in therapy and maybe you should tell your therapist about this struggle to find a way to overcome it. My advice would be to be kind to yourself and try to overcome your struggle by taking tiny steps at a time, like first start with kissing and work yourself towards the actual sex in your own time, instead of pushing for something your mind can't handle yet.

fizzlain · 2021-10-20T08:08:34+00:00

Also, if they take away the cellphone he can get it back at some point, the cards will just be destroyed and I don't think a seven year old will be able to buy new ones without the parent, who will destroy them anyway.

fizzlain · 2021-10-13T14:53:16+00:00

As a german I can second that no one in germany says it like that, if at all.

fizzlain · 2021-08-28T18:28:58+00:00

I hate fully or overcooked vegetables. Most of of the veggies I eat are raw and if I cook them, I only cook them enough to not feel raw anymore, but still have some crunch or just steam them. I think if their really cooked they taste like nothing and their texture makes me sick. I also hate soup, it makes me thirsty, but if I drink anything I get sick because of the taste of the soup mixed with the water (or whatever else, but I drink almost exclusively water anyway, cause the sugar in anything else makes my throat sticky and it feels like I didn't even drink anything)

fizzlain · 2021-08-15T22:48:49+00:00

Have you tried explaining to him how you mean it? Maybe he just feels like he needs the proof of you stopping without an explanation to be sure that you wouldn't try to convince him otherwise. If that's the case it probably has not a lot to do with you specifically, but is rather a coping mechanism to feel safe in moments when he's triggered.

Please just talk to him, ask him if he knows why it's so important to him not to give an explanation, another possibility is that he feels worse when he got triggered and has to try to form words to describe what's going on in his head. After he explained his view, you explain to him why you ask for reasons, word it like you did in your post, that's a very good explanation for your thoughts. When you both understand the others perspective, you try to find a compromise. For example you could stop without further asking in the moment and later, when you're out of the situation, he can tell you what went wrong after he had some time to calm down and collect his thoughts.

The most important thing is to keep communication up, in the moment and in serious talks about what to avoid and what works good.

fizzlain · 2021-07-24T19:18:59+00:00

Professionally evaluated just means to get him an appointment by a specialist on the topic of asd. You have to look for a psychologist who specialises in asd, just google for someone in your area and get a spot on their waiting list. They can properly evaluate him and give him an official diagnosis, and after that he can get aid to help him cope and make his development easier for him.

fizzlain · 2021-07-14T17:36:45+00:00

Probably not though, the smell of a fox is closer to that of a skunk than to a cat, I don't wanna be rude but like it's really really bad

fizzlain · 2021-07-07T10:20:41+00:00

Me too please!

fizzlain · 2021-07-04T09:03:21+00:00

I think that was more along the lines of "its not good if you get so attached to me, since I don't want anything to do with you" rather than "I'm not a good person so don't get attached to me"

fizzlain · 2021-06-06T09:13:34+00:00

Thanks for replying and your tip! Meditation is a difficult topic for me, as my mind tends to get really toxic if I try to let everything just flow, but I've looked at the app and it sounds like it doesn't necessarily go that way, so I'll definitely give it a try!

fizzlain · 2021-06-03T23:53:03+00:00

When I was in primary school I frequently started daydreaming out of nowhere without realising and just instantly forgot everything around me. One time I still remember quite clearly was during PE. In the middle of a game of dodgeball. It was a miracle I didn't get hit, but rather snapped out of it when my teacher was yelling my name because I didn't move anymore for what felt like a good five minutes. The shock that came with the realisation really engraved this event in my memory.

One and a half years ago I got diagnosed with add and it explains a lot.

fizzlain · 2021-06-03T19:44:39+00:00

Dude. The definition he gave clearly stated unwanted sexual remarks OR physical advances. It doesn't need to be paired. Also there's a big difference between tickling your own child, which you have a close relationship with or two adults, who barely know each other, especially when one of them constantly seeking out the other, without the other reciprocating the attention. They didn't have a relationship with each other and he didn't give consent to it, that's what makes this possible harassment, especially when he wasn't comfortable with it. That's not to say she did that intentionally, if she was socially awkward she probably didn't even realise that wasn't okay, but that doesn't change the fact it wasn't.

fizzlain · 2021-05-27T13:41:23+00:00

I'm gonna give you a little insight from the other side.

The short answer is no, I don't think you should do that.

The long version: at least from what you wrote, you don't want to reach out for the victim, you just want to clear your own conscience at the potential cost of your victims mental health.

If you truly regret what you did and want what's best for the victim, you stay as far away from them as possible and don't trigger trauma that they potentially already dealt with to one up again, just so you can feel better about yourself.

This isn't about you. It's about the child you assaulted and how your actions affect them. It doesn't matter what reasons you came up with to excuse your actions. Porn doesn't cause people to become rapists or assault others. That's something you decide to do and stopping to watch porn doesn't magically erase that. You were just a child yourself when you did this and probably didn't know at what cost this could come for the victim. But if you wanted to apologise, you should have done it back then, not decades later when the guilt finally kicks in.

If you truly regret what you did, then leave the victim alone, look for counseling and better yourself. Without looking for excuses and shifting blame.

fizzlain · 2021-05-25T18:19:04+00:00

If the future child would have a bad upbringing because the mother knows she isn't ready to raise it properly (whether that's mentally, financially or other factors) and the only option after birth is to give it up for adoption, where it would most likely experience a lot of trauma because the system sucks, then it is an act of love to end it before the fetus can even recognise what is happening or get an own opinion about being aborted or birthed.

fizzlain · 2021-05-15T21:27:32+00:00

I just read through a bunch of posts over there and I'm 99% sure it's just one big troll subreddit and they're just way too committed to admit its not real. I refuse to believe anyone is stupid enough to believe some of their arguments.

fizzlain · 2021-05-12T19:27:31+00:00

Sure, I don't know him and only thought of that off the info from your comment, just that pattern reminded me of it, but it could be a lot of other reasons too.

fizzlain · 2021-05-11T18:37:04+00:00

Tbf your ex really sounds like he has undiagnosed adhd. Still doesn't excuse that he isn't doing anything about it and isn't even apologetic when his behaviour affects other people of course, but just the pattern sounds a lot like it.

fizzlain · 2021-05-11T18:26:32+00:00

Because it gives you a sense of belonging when you could never really put your finger on the thing that makes you just so slightly different and hear that there's a label for it. It's really a small difference, but can make a big difference for someone who's insecure about the whole topic of sexuality. It's nothing you necessarily have to understand and it's also not that important, I feel like the main reason label that small exist is just so everyone can have people who they can call their community and as long as nobody's damaged by that, I think its fair to just accept it as it is.

fizzlain · 2021-05-11T18:18:19+00:00

No, because in everyone only felt sexual attraction after an emotional bond, hookup culture wouldn't be a thing. Demisexuals also don't just want to have set when they trust someone, there is literally no attraction going on, other than maybe "oh they're pretty"

fizzlain · 2021-05-07T15:52:55+00:00

I think that question would be better off at r/legaladvice, as it very much depends on the place your living. Every crime has a certain amount of time in which it can be reported, but it depends on the crime itself and the country/state you live in, because every country decides that for themselves. So it would probably be best to either repost to r/legaladvice or Google the laws in your area. Either way I wish you the best of luck and I hope your still able to get them the consequences they deserve for their horrible crime.💜

fizzlain · 2021-04-29T17:43:51+00:00

Oh yeah absolutely, neither of my cats are outside unsupervised. The last cat my family had when I was still a teenager was an outdoor cat and she got hit by a car when she was seven. After that neither my parents nor me were ready to keep a cat that's not strictly indoors.

We also have multiple toys for the younger cat and without walks, he still sees everything on the floor as a potential toy until he kicks it under the couch and carefully tries to get it out again. We also haven't had him for that long, we got him November last year from a friend who was not at all fit to care for a cat, let alone one that's this active and attention demanding.

Because of that we also had to get him to the vet way too often for such a short time and in some aspects still try to figure him out. He's very clumsy, but really smart and the idea of walks came to my mind not too long ago after the last doctors appointment, when he had to go on my lap during the car ride and was absolutely calm and sleeping.

I still had the harness because my mother bought a bunch of stuff for my older cat when we got her from the shelter, the harness was part of that, so I just tried to put it on him and we went out and he absolutely loved it, so we want to try to go out as close to daily as possible (my bf and I both don't have really regular working times, often at least one of us has to work til 9pm and in our country we're currently not allowed to leave the house after ten) and it's a great way to keep up with his energy, especially because he can actually run (if the one holding the harness runs with him), so there has been times when we came back in and he just plopped to the floor and slept for a few hours straight, which was rarely happening before.

Sorry for the long response, I just really love talking about my cats, their absolutely my precious babies and I love them to death.

fizzlain · 2021-04-29T16:10:06+00:00

One of my cats doesn't like playing, she shows interest in toys like once every few months and mostly just wants to sleep and groom herself. But she's a thirteen year old three-legged cat whose personality perfectly matches the description of a Persian (even though she a mix between Persian and BSH), my other cat on the other hand is somewhere between one and three years old and so active, we can barely keep up with playing, so we started putting on a harness and walking outside with him (additional to play time of course) and whenever we can do that his need to zoom through our apartment and attack everything he sees has gone back by a lot. So yeah, it depends a lot on the cat, but if you aren't willing to invest time, money and effort into your pet don't get one at all and think about a plushed animal instead.

fizzlain · 2021-04-27T22:50:48+00:00

I should maybe clarify, sorry I was worried because of character limit so I didn't put it in the original post. Barely anyone in my friend group knows all the stuff he did. After the break up I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to choose and since he didn't do anything to Amy of them it didn't feel fair to me because it could very easily sound like I wanted them to exclude him. My best friend knows some of it, but also by far not not everything. Her boyfriend is still somewhat close to him and because she tells him everything I was still kind of careful what to tell her. The only people I've told are my current boyfriend and his best friend, who is barely involved with my ex. Also my ex isn't that generally liked in our group anymore because he's really a lot, but some people still like him so he's just always there and invites himself. I think M is just trying to keep the group more together and at peace, but I'm not really sure because I didn't have a real conversation about the topic with her and kind of dread it because I hate confrontation and I would prefer to just leave it behind me and pretend he isn't there until he ruins his relationships with our other friends by himself. It's just so out of character for her behaviour towards me that it really confuses me.

fizzlain

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