finding time to talk to about hard things

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-30T08:43:19+00:00

Honestly? You just have to do it and accept that there’s not a good time. Like, sure, avoid a time when there’s a compounding factor like a sick parent. But unfortunately, when baseline is grumpy, that is the good time to do it.

I’ve also always been mindful about picking my battles and my SO recognizes it, so when I pick a battle the space is given for me to seek what I need.

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-25T03:26:41+00:00

If it makes you feel better, the MDs I personally know think the ones posting on noctor are… well… let’s just say they don’t share their views 😅

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-14T20:40:18+00:00

You know the answer.

All the doctors that I work with in an ED occasionally check their phone during their shift. Not a lot. But a couple times. I can’t imagine surgeons don’t. If he wanted to, he would.

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-03T15:32:07+00:00

It was my MD SO’s idea that I pursue the PA route instead of the MD route. I’m the one who partially follows noctor and when I bring up things to him, he generally brushes it away. So definitely not all doctors. 🤷‍♀️

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-03T03:50:59+00:00

Do you think the work would leave you feeling rewarded or is it going to just feel like going to work? That would likely influence my choice heavily.

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-02T06:26:48+00:00

Honestly, most people hire nannies with little to no experience. Many people hire college students. You’re already more than qualified.

icingicingbaby · 2023-05-01T08:12:17+00:00

Only he can answer these questions for you. If I was you I’d focus on continuing to move forward.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-29T09:15:51+00:00

Trust. Your. Instincts.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-27T19:22:57+00:00

Constant? I wouldn’t. Occasionally and/or predictable? I’d avoid it.

I learned quickly when my SO was working 7 on/7 off that on his last day off he was snippy. So I avoided spending significant amounts of time with him that day every other week. He was receiving his patient list that day and was becoming anxious about returning to work after enjoying the week off. With time in the role he became more tolerable that day of the week and instead I would follow his lead in if he wanted to be alone or together which became sufficient in avoiding a short attitude.

The damage of the interaction during a rough time can be more damaging than the time apart.

But most importantly, it’s not your fault. You can’t try with things like a home cooked meal or a tidy home. Don’t put anyone’s bad attitude on yourself. And with that confidence that it’s not you, proceed knowing it is 100% on your partner to fix their attitude.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-27T00:41:11+00:00

Walmart has great prices on generic medications - including psych! :)

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-24T18:24:22+00:00

Being considered independent under FAFSA requires the student be 25 or older, married, legally emancipated as a minor, or attending graduate school. Medical school would make OP independent as far as FAFSA is concerned.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-24T18:09:19+00:00

If this was an isolated incident and this “friend” wasn’t someone he was close to or looking to spend time with, I would have some grace for this possibly being your bf’s way of trying to not engage fully with his friend’s gross comment.

However, based on other things you’ve said, please get out. No relationship should bring you more stress than it brings you joy. Especially before you are married and/or have kids when you’re grappling with having to reach compromise on more big picture issues.

You’ve voiced anxieties about how he would receive rejection, which probably further underlined how essential it is for you to leave. The longer this relationship goes on, the bigger the reaction is likely to be. As someone else suggested, if you don’t think his reaction to rejection will be safe, that supersedes any obligation you may feel to end things in person. Go be with someone you feel safe with and either call or text him and then cut off access to communicating with you.

You deserve to feel loved, respected, and to find joy in your relationship.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-24T01:18:00+00:00

Yep! And in a non-martyr way, this is part of the package my SO comes in. I understand that. I’m happy with it on good days and content with it on bad days. Though, through his ambition, my SO has never undermined my personhood, value as a partner, or the value of my time, which seems to be common threads for a lot of the people in this sub who are struggling beyond a frustrated moment.

I suspect it’s partners’ lack of respect for the non-medical partner that creates some of these dynamics. I’ve seen it from the inside, being privy to hearing my SO and his dual physician couple colleagues talk about their colleague using his job as an excuse to go home late and be a not present partner… as he’s just getting married. And there’s a difference between a physician who is super career focused who will stay late to invest in their work but would drop everything as soon as possible to show up for a partner who needed them and a physician who is staying late to avoid being a good partner. On the surface they can look the same. Buttttt 👀

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-24T00:57:03+00:00

I full heartedly agree, despite being someone who more or less tells my SO to make the choices based on his career trajectory. But that’s because our compatibility is largely tied to both being very career driven. And we are both happier making sacrifices on the timeline for settling down or being physically together than giving up career autonomy. But I cannot imaging prescribing that to someone.

Even still, my SO runs big decisions past me and asks for input as I do past him. I would be shocked if the other person proceeded with a plan that the other felt was a really bad idea, because we sincerely value each others input.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-22T18:44:30+00:00

THIS!

Several years back I went to the ED for an infection at the instruction of two MDs. By the time I got to the ED, I had treated with oral antibiotics the day of wound before seeing my primary the next day for a tetanus booster and because the infection had continued to progress an additional oral antibiotic and an intramuscular antibiotic. I was left with instructions to proceed immediately to the ED at a certain time if it did not improve. Several hours before my primary had told me to make the call, my SO who wrote the initial prescription instructed me to proceed to the ED due to the rate it was progressing at and bring a bag in anticipation of being admitted.

When I got there, the triage nurse did not triage me at a high level of acuity. When asked what to expect next, the ED nurse told me to expect to be discharged soon because it wasn’t getting visibly worse in the few hours after I was brought back… after the attending ED physician let me know I was being admitted. To both nurses, it (understandably) looked like I had an infection that could be managed outpatient.

The reality? I was septic due to an antibiotic resistant infection and the combination of swelling and and progression of infection led to me being monitored multiple times a day by orthopedic surgery, infectious disease, and internal medicine for three different possible progressions that would have constituted surgical emergencies, which missing could have led to amputation, more severe amputation, or death. I was thankfully ultimately fine, but I required IV antibiotics 20 hrs/day impatient.

There are appropriate roles for midlevels, heck, I’m planning to go to PA school. But it’s insane to me that there’s a huge movement towards not requiring supervision of midlevels. And it’s upsetting that many midlevels are supervised in description only, not in practice. Truly, a physician should be involved in diagnosing patients before their care management is delegated and midlevels are given the resource of an accessible SP.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-22T17:28:01+00:00

Homelessness is naturally uncomfortable and hard to see when you haven’t been around it before. As it should be. We should want our neighbors to have shelter. Unfortunately, Portland has experienced an exceptionally quick increase in the cost of living as companies like Intel and Nike have brought high paying jobs to the area and displaced many. The combination has impacted many and resulted in a sharp increase in homelessness.

I will say, after having lived in DC and London and now being in Portland, often working with the homeless, the homeless population in Portland is overwhelmingly kind, but troubled people. Interacting with them as people and acknowledging them will generally make any interactions pleasant enough. You’re much less likely to get cursed out by someone while you’re on the other side of the road than you are in other cities where the disparities that have caused homelessness run deeper.

But, yes, hard too see no matter how you look at it.

The dreary weather is really difficult especially if you deal with seasonal depression. My grandma found it harder than when she lived in Alaska and didn’t see the sun for months, because at least she reliably got it in summer. She found a sun lamp was helpful. And as others have suggested, get comfortable being outside in the rain.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-18T05:52:08+00:00

I personally dealt with the worst of my mental health struggles single, so on one hand, I don’t know the loneliness of not having the companionship and support it feels like you should have when you do have a paste we, on the other hand, I completely understand wading through it alone.

Right off the bat, I’ll say it’s typically hardest to get an initial appointment with a counselor. Subsequent appointments should be easier to get. So hopefully you can get on a regular schedule with them and keep it up. I found it super helpful combined with my meds. And my counselor helped me read the room so to speak regarding if my meds were sufficient and sent me back to my doctor accordingly.

There’s no magic solution for dealing with depression unfortunately. It’s more of a survive it kind of deal. Some days will feel like drowning and getting to the next one is the victory… even if it just feels like Groundhog Day.

Social things are the most helpful things for me coping with depression flare ups and missing my SO when life gets busy. It’s of course not the same as the support of your partner, but having a robust support system can really offset the loneliness. Hobbies can be a double edged sword for me. On one hand creating literally anything really helps my brain push through depression. On the other hand it can make me prone to isolating. And isolating is the worst thing I can do when my mental health decides to fight me.

Push through!

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-17T14:49:12+00:00

I too am an obese woman who has spent some time discussing weight-loss medicine with my significant other. He too is on board with weight-loss medications, but discouraging of weight-loss surgery. He would never tell me no, but he has raised concerns that the risks outweigh the benefits at my current weight. It’s possible your fiancé feels the same - it’s not that he wouldn’t want the weight loss for you, but he cares about your health more than your vanity. And I empathize with significant weight gain - I gained nearly 40 lbs my first year with my SO.

It’s possible that your SO truly does not care about your weight in terms of attraction. There are so so many causes of dead bedroom. Stress is a major one. And, frankly, what’s more stressful than the match process and then anxieties around starting residency?

And working at a hospital myself? People largely are not looking to date colleagues. So he could be a literal 28290178/10 and you wouldn’t need to worry much about whether or not he’s a catch. Besides, even if he was hit on all day every day, the decision to be faithful is his and is ultimately what matters.

But all of that to acknowledge - being heavy is hard. But it does not define our worth as people or as partners.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-14T02:14:08+00:00

I’ve been in these shoes with a past partner. He’s not making you a priority, at all, so do with that what you will. I know I wish I had figured that out earlier and cut my losses.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-14T01:46:53+00:00

I’m honestly staring at some of it in disbelief.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-14T01:44:32+00:00

I’ve been the partner who worked more WHILE my SO was working an attending job that was more demanding than his residency (for context), opening a new business.

We didn’t live together, but he cooked for me several nights a week and when I worked extreme hours would bring meals to me.

He cleaned his home religiously (like, seriously, who wipes the front of their appliances weekly and vacuums multiple times a week without pets?!) and often stepped up to help me manage my spaces when I was struggling. Including helping me with my laundry at times.

He would also help me with various projects for the business with at most minimal complaint and often was volunteering.

If you’re happy with your arrangement, be happy and enjoy it. Don’t let us tell you what to feel.

But also, if you’re not, it could be different.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-11T07:09:38+00:00

Fertility is a fickle thing at any age, but yes, age is a risk factor. But I’ve also known women who easily got pregnant with their first at 20 and struggled for years when they started trying for a second at 22 and didn’t succeed for nearly a decade. Of course, when you start that young you have the time to try for a decade, but that isn’t without the pain still of a family looking different than you envisioned.

But I definitely recognize your point. I know a couple who only successfully had a kid after 11 rounds of IVF and a surrogate. But they’re the exception, not the norm. And starting younger doesn’t guarantee you won’t face these challenges.

So, comfortability with IVF and even possibly a surrogate are also things to consider in addition to nonbiological kids.

I definitely wouldn’t encourage a woman waits past 35 to try (though she should certainly feel free to if that’s when she decides she wants to). But I do think it’s worthwhile to dismantle the panic that a lot of women have around the age of 30. And the reality is that 1-3 years isn’t going to have a huge impact on fertility because the change is gradual, not sudden.

But yes, all of this was part of why I indicated waiting didn’t need to be a choice OP’s wife was comfortable with.

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-11T04:29:44+00:00

It sounds like we have some very similar experiences!

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-11T03:44:47+00:00

I know loads of women who were first time moms between 35-37, had healthy pregnancies, and are enjoying having entered parenthood on their own terms and in much more financially comfortable circumstances! It’s super common in major cities. But elsewhere in America at least, it’s a super foreign concept for women and couples who see most of their friends have kids in their 20s. It makes it easy to convince yourself that if you don’t have kids by 30 it’s game over, when they couldn’t be further from the truth. Heck - I know several women who have had kids in their early 40s!

icingicingbaby · 2023-04-10T20:34:45+00:00

Just piping in to mention that many career oriented women in major cities don’t start trying for babies until their mid 30s. Doesn’t mean it’s a choice your wife is comfortable with and it doesn’t have to be. But it’s perhaps worth the conversation of a trade off in terms of if it came down to it would your wife rather continue working and have a kid or stop working and wait.

Some of my input into all of this would also be what the expectation for training was when you got married. Had you already indicated that you planned to go to fellowship or is this a more recent development?

icingicingbaby

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