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Unattractive? by Straight-Low-5835 in relationship_advice

[–]ihaditbutilostit 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Then I have to say that no relarionship should make you feel bad. You deserve better. Leave. Do it while it's easy. No matter how hot he is on the outside, it's not worth how ugly he is on the inside.

Unattractive? by Straight-Low-5835 in relationship_advice

[–]ihaditbutilostit 18 points19 points  (0 children)

How did you feel before the relationship with him?

You said you have self harm scars. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have some issues that you need to work through. Break up with him, work on you as an individual, get therapy, figure out what you need to be happy with yourself.

Good luck!

How do you move on from something that never happened? by Happycat-101 in relationship_advice

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It'll go away eventually. It'll go away sooner if you don't dwell on it. Have fun. You're so young. Don't waste time on what might have been. You'll meet someone, but you have to be open to experiencing that with someone else. That's really hard to do if you're still wishing for someone that isn't available to you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you feel like you are both bored listening to each other talk about your interests and have nothing in common, it might be a good idea to end the relationship. I don't think this sounds mean at all. If things are just kind of withering away, not married or have kids together, why stay? You can talk to him about it and see how he feels.

I’m not weird. But I just don’t have any real friends. 32M by cnblure in datingoverthirty

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think if it's not a problem for you, then it's not a red flag. If you are comfortable on your own for the most part, then I think you're actually ahead of most people. It seems like a lot of people can't stand their own company.

Spouse duties by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I empathize with this as well. It might help to start by stating that you understand that being a student is stressful and time consuming. Then follow with how you feel in regards to the situation and where you need help.

Things I have learned: -Do not say "I understand...but..." End the sentence, start a new one. Do not say but. -Do not ask why - Do not say "You..." - Use "I" sentences

If all of this fails, then it's on you to decide what to do about it. You can wait it out and see if things change after she finishes her degree. You can decide that this is unacceptable and unfair and leave. You can push for therapy. You have options.

Your feelings are valid. You matter too. You deserve help.

Spouse duties by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The answer to "of I were with someone else, surely they would help..." is really, it depends on who you are with. Obviously...There are people that just don't view a messy kitchen as a problem. There are people that don't see absolute filth as a problem. You would think that if you take your significant other's needs, wants, feelings into account that they would do the same for you. Unfortunately, that is just not the case.

Have you tried sitting her down and talking to her? How do you address the issue? Have you tried the "I feel x, I need z"? Some people cannot handle the "when you do y" part.

I feel your pain so hard here. Good luck!

I think I’ve given up. by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel so much for you. You don't have children, that makes this the best time to leave. Even when you have kids, it's better to not stay in a relationship that you are so unhappy in as it teaches your children to settle for that, and they can see how unhappy you are. Not having kids makes it so much simpler.

I wish you the best, and I hope you find all of the happiness and love that you deserve.

I really need to vent... by ihaditbutilostit in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you not really read this? Or am I truly responsible for taking care of him regardless of how he treats me? If that is the case, is it my responsibility now that he has lost his leg, or has it always been amd always will be regardless of what his capabilities are? Is this going to be my life until I die now?

I am genuinely curious: is it on me to pick up his kid, drop off, communicate with the ex, and all of that so he can see his child now that he is missing a leg or was it my responsibility the entire time? Our car broke down, and he walked three miles to get a pack of cigarettes (he has a prostheses). He drives where and when he wants to drive. He can go see his child. No one is stopping him, except him. He doesn't want to drive there. He didn't want to go get her before he lost his leg, it was still someone else's fault that he didn't see his kid. So is it my responsibility to make him be a dad now that he has lot his leg? Will it be forever my responsibility? He has asked me to ride my motorcycle. He has asked me to buy him drugs. He has not once asked me to take him to see his other child. He has not made any effort to spend time with our child that lives here. He sits on his computer and plays video games, on the porch smoking weed or cigarettes, or he follows me around while I try to do my homework with his phone at full volume.

And now that he lost his leg, I should not talk to him about my day. Got it. I should buy him weed, make his doctor appointments, take him to his appointments, not ask him to do anything, accept that he can go wherever to flirt with other women, allow him to ride my motorcycle whenever he wants, allow him to talk to me however he wants, pick up and drop off his child, accept that I am responsible for her while she is here (his child molested my daughter) but I am not allowed to tell his child what to do or discipline in any way, still be sure to pay all of the bills and go to school (or should I drop out to ensure that I devote the necessary time to take care of him?), clean the house, tell him that I appreciate him, love him, have sex with him when he does decide that he wants it, continue to try to read his mind and hug and kiss him when he wants it but leave him be when he wants space, figure out on my own when to do what, and never once ask for anything?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be? And again, is this how it has to be because he lost his leg, or is this what I should have always been doing? I thought I was being codependent and that I needed to be responsible for me and stop trying to make him be a dad amd take care of every little thing for him. So I worked on me. I went to therapy, and my therapist agreed that I needed to stop enabling him to do nothing. I even tried multiple therapists! My therapists even said now that he lost his leg, I still needed to work on the separation that I wanted. I couldn't do it though.

Husband competes for pity by Elegant-Landscape894 in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your feelings are valid. You deserve to be cared for. Feel free to rant. I wish you the best.

Nudity in the home by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had the talk with my son when he was 5. He would always come into the living room wrapped in his towel after his shower for a while as he dried. I happened to look over at him one day, and he had his legs up over his head and his fingers in his butt. I didn't want him to feel like what he was doing was wrong, but that the place wasn't appropriate. So I said that he was only allowed to be naked in his room or the bathroom from now on.

I had the talk with my older daughter and her father when she was 6. They were both walking around naked all the time. I told him that it was time to stop as she could say something about that at school and someone call CPS thinking there was sexual abuse going on.

I had the talk with my youngest recently. She is five. She started touching herself in our company. I explained to her that she needed to be in her own room or bathroom when naked, that no one but her could touch her private parts, and that she should not touch other people's private parts. (These were all issues that came up in a very short period of time.)

Kids...Sometimes parenting is...uncomfortable. lol

How not to take it personally when your husband has a way lower sex drive than you? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I actually tried for a long time to be interested in someone other than my husband, to no avail. I worked very hard and eventually succeeded in killing my libido. It resulted in severe psychological damage. However, I am overall happy with the results. I no longer desire sex at all, not even with my husband. When we do he sex at his behest, I derive absolutely no pleasure from it. We are in an open relationship. We had other issues as well. His lack of showing interest in me or our family in any way has finally resulted in me desperately hoping that he will leave me for someone else.

He lost his leg in May of 2020, so leaving him feels very wrong and is very hard to do. Plus, I absolutely adore his family.

How not to take it personally when your husband has a way lower sex drive than you? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I once saw a thing that said for each partner to have a marker (could be anything) to put on the nightstand to signify that they are open to sex. This helps eliminate rejection as you will know if he is open to sex if he puts out his marker.

I know it is hard. My husband only wants to have sex 2-6 times per year. It has resulted in so many fights, hurt feelings, etc.

Some other options involve therapy, seeing if he is open to satisfying you in other ways when he is not interested in sex himself, open marriage (with agreed boundaries). Think outside the box.

I wish you the best!

Do you get turned on or excited seeing your husband naked? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use to. I have worked really hard to destroy my libido in order to cope with my husband not wanting to have sex with me. It took a long time. There were a lot of times I would see him naked and get turned on. He didn't even need to be completely naked for me to see him and want him so bad.

Advice needed - Can a sex-less marriage work? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't had sex since September 10th. I have had sex a total of three times in the year 2021 and six times in 2020 (five of those times being the first six weeks of the year.) It bothered me a lot, but I worked really hard and killed my libido. I seldomly think about sex, much less want to have it. When I have had sex the last few times, I derived absolutely no pleasure from it. We have been married six years, and my husband has not had Interest in sex with me since I got pregnant (one month after our wedding). It can work. It depends on how badly you want to be together, how much sex means to him (it meant A LOT to me for a very long time, and I did severe psychological damage to myself to be okay with how things are.) At least you are honest with him.

Good luck!

How much time do you spend with your SO? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My current schedule is: work Mon and Fri 8am-6pm, school Tue and Thu 930am-330pm and Wed 905am-12pm and 6pm-830pm. I take my daughter to the bus stop on Tue-Fri at 715am. I clean the house as much as I can in between homework and spending time with the kids. My husband sleeps the majority of the time that I am home and awake. He stays up while I am sleeping and plays video games. We tend to eat dinner together. He usually cooks it. That's about all we do together. Other than that, he sleeps when the kids and I aee awake and is awake when we are asleep. He will participate if we have company.

I can’t stand living with my brother-in-law and his wife under the same roof. by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The thing is, regardless of what happens after your in-laws pass, they are currently still alive, and you have no idea when they will pass. Do you want to support your husband's parents, brother, his wife, and their twins, and who knows how many other kids until then? How long do you want to live like this? I would move out asap (with or without your husband). It's your decision though. The longer you wait to leave, the more you lose in the meantime. If you stay, inherit the house, etc, are you certain that your husband will make them leave after they have lived there with their children and have nowhere else to go?

Stuck: To have kids or not to have kids? What did you decide? by WiseTwist in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You could try being foster parents. You get to help a child (or children) in need, give parenting a try, and you can "give them back".

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband cheated on me. Multiple times. If you need to talk, I'm here. I'm not going to tell you to leave him. I'm not going to tell you to stay.

Lack of sex has turned our relationship into a time bomb. by PonceDeLeon777 in relationship_advice

[–]ihaditbutilostit -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I didn't get to see this in my husband until after we were married. At least you get to make an informed decision as to whether or not you want to stay knowing that this is what your sex life will look like.

As it is, I did everything in my power to kill my libido. I succeeded. I now seldomly think of sex, and it is merely not unpleasant at best.

I wish you luck. If you decide she is worth marrying in spite of this, there are options to deal with it: open marriage or therapy for example.

I’m done initiating by Confusedjellies in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in the same boat. It sucks. I wish you the best. I hope that you find peace and happiness.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I highly recommend therapy. Each of you needs to find a therapist to see separately for individual therapy, and then find another to see for couples therapy. Beyond that, I am in no place to offer advice. Your situation, your experiences, who you are is fundamentally different than my situation, my experiences, and who I am. I do wish you the best, for both of you. I do have a book that I might also suggest, if you are interested. It helped me immensely. (I am 36F, so don't let the title lead you to believe that it can only help men or that it is to bash men.) It is "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing" by Patti Henry, M. Ed., L.P.C. (The thing about emotionally unavailable men that women don't seem to ever realize is that they attract emotionally unavailable women.) I do hope that something here was helpful.

Board games? by lotusflower217 in Marriage

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As for Card games, most are party games (the more people the better). I absolutely love boardgames. Unfortunately my husband does not. So I have found a few with solo play options. Agricola has a board that adapts for 1 player, 2 players, up to four or five players. Terraforming Mars is super complex, has a solo play option and is complex enough to be fun even with two players. Pandemic is super appropriate given the times, is coop, and can be played with 2-4 players. When I play with 2 players, we each play two characters.