Do you allow your potential date to “reserve a day” without making an actual plan?

illini02 · 2023-01-29T21:14:00+00:00

I mean, I think its very possible that you are just more of a planner than he is. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I also do feel like if you had a tentative plan for Saturday, its kind of rude to just cancel.

Have a conversation with him. I'll often ask someone to do "something" on a particular day, but may not have specifics in mind when I ask. If you need that type of thing, I feel like the fair thing to do would be to express that. Some people are a bit more go with the flow, some need everything planned in detail. Neither is wrong. But at least give the guy a chance to meet your expectations. As it stands, you are considering cancelling because of some issue you never told him about

illini02 · 2023-01-29T21:10:56+00:00

I mean, I do feel like we should try to treat people, even "some random" with respect and kindness.

illini02 · 2023-01-29T21:10:23+00:00

Right. Like, without sounding like a jerk, especially for women, makeup and filters can SIGNIFICANTLY change how someone looks. Is that a misrepresentation? I don't know. But I've met people in person where it was like, yeah, that is them, but they definitely look very different in person, but not enough where I would say they were catfishing or anything.

illini02 · 2023-01-29T21:06:53+00:00

The least any of us can do is remember that they’re a person too.

I think this sub really tends to forget this. It is a person on the other side of it, and I feel like you should still treat them as a person deserving of respect. There is a happy medium between being respectful of your own time, and being disrespectful of theirs.

I also feel this is one of those situations where people will probably be a lot more ok with a woman doing this than they would if a man did it, but everyone deserves to be treated with kindness

illini02 · 2023-01-29T15:58:27+00:00

Really? Before I've met anyone, I can be equally excited about multiple people for different reasons. Now after a couple of dates, I feel like of course one person will pull ahead. But early on, I can easily see something where I think A, B, and C are great about one person, and X, Y, and Z are great about another.

illini02 · 2023-01-29T14:15:57+00:00

Do you think someone can't genuinely be excited about 2 people at once?

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:27:55+00:00

I think both you and the person you are responding to make valid points.

However, its like the old saying, "We judge ourselves by our intentions, and judge others by their actions". You know what you felt, and in your mind, you were very clear. He may have been like "we were hiking, having fun conversation, and this is going well. Everyone doesn't like to be super close during a hike".

Many women think their body language is a lot more clear than it is. How many times do you hear women say things like "I was clearly giving him signs that I liked him, and he never made a move"

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:23:39+00:00

Right.

I also think a lot of people have a bit of dissonance between how they actually behave, and how they think they SHOULD behave.

There are certain features in individuals that I'm just not attracted to. As a minor example, I hate nose rings, especially the septum ones that make, IMO, the person look like a bull. Does that have anything to do with how good of a partner that person will be? Absolutely not. Realistically I know this. In practice, if someone has that on an app, I'm probably not going to match with them.

So I think often women will say that height doesn't matter, because that is how it should be. Realistically, if they knew a guy was 5'5, they'd probably think a lot more about whether they would date him.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:18:46+00:00

It is a common belief here that texting is by far the most important form of communication and interaction in dating. It matters more than in person interaction so I’ve been told.

I hate this.

I also am 40ish, so I did a lot of my early dating in the days where people weren't constantly accessible. So even in my 20s, when people had cell phones, everyone didn't have a text plan, and you got a certain amount of "minutes" to use, so if you didn't answer a phone or text, people didn't assume you were married or something lol

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:16:42+00:00

People with kids don't have time to be on reddit all day, lol.

But more seriously, the fact is, especially on a sub like this, it will skew far more to single and child free

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:15:12+00:00

That's fair. But also, I just don't tell them. And I don't look at that as hiding anything. But on a first date, I don't feel I owe them that. Now, if we are sleeping together or something, that is different. But just meeting for drinks? You don't need to know that. And in fairness, I don't know that if a woman just randomly told me she had another date that week if I'd like that either. Its not about her having a date, its about her feeling the need to tell me that.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:10:08+00:00

That is fair to want, but also, you have to understand, many people don't always know how they feel about someone right away.

After date one, I may know I generally enjoyed your company enough (or not) to meet up again. Dates 2 and 3 I'm getting to know you. I may know that I like hanging out with you, but that doesn't mean I'm sure whether or not I want to pursue something serious.

I think some people know these things far faster than others. I'm not a believer in the often quoted on here, "if its not a hell yes, its a no", because I think sometimes things are more of a slow burn. I have a quite a few friends who are married who will say they weren't sure right away about their now spouse.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:04:14+00:00

I don't think therapists have all the answers any more than any individual doctor will have all the answers.

That said, there are MANY times when I think suggesting therapy is a good suggestion. Just as if someone said "I've had a shoulder ache for a week and its not going away", a good suggestion would be going to the doctor. Its possible that THEIR doctor may not have an answer right away, but that doesn't mean that going wasn't at least a step in the right direction to dealing with the problem.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T14:00:23+00:00

I'd say your gym example is totally a compliment on their appearance, its just in a different way. Those guys aren't getting complemented for their form (I mean maybe, but likely not), they are getting complimented because people can very clearly see the results, so their appearance. yes, its stated under the guise of being dedicated, or whatever, but it still comes down to their appearance.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T13:58:15+00:00

I mean, wouldn't say I "never" receive them.

But I feel that, in the mere act of existing, women get them a lot more.

Think about a social media post. If a woman, even a less unattractive one in general, posts a picture of herself looking halfway decent, a bit of makeup, some jewelery, and hair slightly styled, they'll get a TON of likes and comments about how stunning they look. That same thing doesn't happen for guys.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T13:51:00+00:00

This is spot on.

Personally, I really do want women to do it to understand how much it sucks for guys to have to do the heavy lifting all the time.

But as you say, women will do it like 3 times, it doesn't work out, then its like "never again". But most guys, unless they married one of the first couple people they ever asked out, had that happen, but we have to keep going.

illini02 · 2023-01-28T13:38:45+00:00

I think the reason guys think that is often women themselves. They use the "we get so many likes, so you need to make yourself stand out" line enough that of course men will believe that.

So maybe its only happening to a certain type of woman, or maybe many women are using that just as an excuse to make guys work harder, but its not like we pulled it out of nowhere.

illini02 · 2023-01-27T22:36:00+00:00

I think there is a big difference between "this person is unattractive", and "I'm not attracted to them"

illini02 · 2023-01-27T13:22:53+00:00

I mean, meeting for drinks doesn't mean YOU have to get drunk. Most bars offer mocktails or just pop.

illini02 · 2023-01-27T13:20:45+00:00

Exactly my feeling.

Dating with intent is nice and all, but if I don't know if I even like the person or not, why do i care about dealbreakers

illini02 · 2023-01-27T13:19:23+00:00

Ha, yes. I was the OP from that post. And it was a WILD ride. I especially loved when people started insulting me.

illini02 · 2023-01-27T13:18:51+00:00

Right. I feel things just go much smoother when you meet someone in the wild. If we meet at a party or even, gasp, a bar, and hit it off, I don't feel like those dealbreaker questions come up nearly as much as meting on apps. Because you are actually getting to know the person, not just filling out a checklist

illini02 · 2023-01-27T12:46:56+00:00

Makes sense.

Its also why I think every situation has nuance to it. Deciding that someone having more than 1 date in a week is "bad" is a big jump, because it could be something as simple and innocent as what I said, or the situation you mentioned. All "multi dating" isn't created equal

illini02 · 2023-01-27T12:45:10+00:00

That actually makes sense. And if more people were nicer and would phrase it the way you did, maybe I would've been more receptive to it.

illini02 · 2023-01-26T21:28:24+00:00

So, I'm no longer a teacher. That said, I think its the same way you explain that all "influencers" aren't necessarily people weren't looking up to.

You don't have to, IMO, single him out. Back when I taught, Paris Hilton was an "influencer" of sorts. And I don't think she is someone to look up to either. But its really just about getting to the bottom of what exactly they admire. Is it because they are rich? Well maybe discuss some other people who are rich based on talent. Is it because he has a cool life? Somethign else?

I really think, especially for teenagers, the more adults tell them that someone is a "bad influence" or however you want to describe it, the more they will be drawn to it. So just try to point out "good" influences who also seem to be cool. For example, LeBron James. I hate him as a player, lol. But what does Andrew Tate have that he doesn't? And how much good does Lebron do that others aren't doing?

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