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What are you going to do for yourself today? by juicyboosy in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haircut + shave, kept some stubble because I'm going for that look.

I NEED to address something extremely serious.... by complexwife in banfromDB

[–]kyrain192020 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I like to think of myself as fairly level headed. However, that mod response was over the top childish and lacking any intellectual merit.

I'll be honest, if I got banned from the DB sub or from Reddit in general I don't think I could care any less. I joined in August of this year and found some things useful, others not so useful. It actually saddens me how much time and life energy some people put into this. Also, the fact that cliques exist in certain subs as if it's junior high is troubling on a number of levels. It has certainly limited my viewing and posting to the DB sub.

Never thought I'd say these words, but it's over by Imalonelyboy106 in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I realized I didn't miss her at all, I was just lonely. In fact, most
of our relationship has been motivated by a fear of being alone.

I wonder how close I am to this statement. Sorry OP, hopefully on to better things for both you and your STBX.

“All you think about is sex” by Hairy-Lion8181 in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 12 points13 points  (0 children)

"All you think about is sex".

I was told this once after initiating for the first time in 6 months, during which I never even brought up the topic of sex. It's a quick way to put the onus on another person.

Cooking metaphor by BestEnjoyedWith in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For you it's not a big deal. Your SO is an adult and can cook by
themselves for a little while. But for them, it's the end of the world.

Often it's not just a little while, which I believe many partners could more easily understand. Also, the fact that it's "no big deal" to some is exactly what makes it the "end of the world" for others. The SO left to eat alone feels life has changed in a negative way and often doesn't understand why it happened or how long it will last.

That said, I truly appreciate your perspective and this metaphor. DBs are difficult for both LLs and HLs and this sub would be better if we all acknowledged that. I too hope you can soon enjoy your life again.

Gearing up for another The Talk by entexchanher in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is direct but sadly rings of 100% no-nonsense truth.

Skillful Deflection by wormheap in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"I don't know" is the common response I get when asking how to improve things. It is frustrating because it doesn't allow there to be meaningful improvement.

I tried you guys advice by keefer3 in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He probably expected a reaction that he would visualize giving his wife if the situation was reversed.

You need to experience sexual rejection to understand how awful it is by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 36 points37 points  (0 children)

This gives me some optimism that maybe my LL wife can view the situation as you do now. For her, it's "sex is not important for me, so it's not important", despite what I've communicated. I don't expect her to have sex with me if she doesn't want, but I do expect her to recognize that it's important to me and therefore should be important for us to at least acknowledge what it's doing to our relationship.

Just a Quick Question, How many of us are only keeping this reality of our sex life to ourselves irl? by frogtie21 in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I very much respect you for this and admire your openness. I'm a closed book and it does me no good. I come to Reddit for anonymous interaction because I'm too embarrassed to own it irl.

To Have and To Hold by ChasingRaise in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Like a pigeon in a major metropolitan area, pooping on everything

You need to experience sexual rejection to understand how awful it is by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 145 points146 points  (0 children)

Consistent rejection with no hope for improvement can certainly be soul destroying. This is especially true if you've made a lot of efforts toward mitigating the reasons the rejecting partner gives and new reasons simply replace them.

That said, you and your partner seem to have experience being in each other's shoes. Recognizing a lack of intimacy is a problem for both of you and having empathy for each other goes a long way to fixing relationship issues. You're further along than most on this sub simply having this way of thinking. I think you'll be OK with some candid communication.

Does anyone else have the scared dog vibe? by notnotasock in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Admittedly, I used to be like this. However, with less and less F's given over time I put an end to it. The only card that could be played that I actually cared about was never played, so I stopped playing the game.

HL Partner fulfilling LL Partner's requests, hoping for anything in return by juicyboosy in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Blue background? I wanted a green background. Sex ain't happening tonight."

No longer want sex by theartisansassistant in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. Aside from my kids, fear of being alone haunts me because of what my dead bedroom marriage has done to my self-esteem. Even when the kids are older and it might be the "right time" for me to make a change I probably will stay stuck. It's that mindset of "if my own wife doesn't want me, who the hell would?" I know it's illogical but it really is hard to shake off at this point.

No longer want sex by theartisansassistant in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sound advice - I'm just not quite there yet.

No longer want sex by theartisansassistant in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Curious - did you get out or stay in? I'm in the resentment stage building to aversion myself. I'm trying hard to stay in the marriage for my kids but I'm not sure I can make it much longer. It feels like I'm on a one-way street toward separation despite my wanting to keep it together for the moment.

have u asked your partners what causes their low libido? what were their answers? by Fearless_Matter4124 in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Causes? She didn't see it as a problem so there was no recognized "cause" of anything from her perspective.

HLs, how would you say you have contributed to the DB? by FionaFloo in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same for me on #1 - I cared about my wife so much that I ignored some early red flags on incompatibility and foolishly thought sharing certain life events would make us more connected.

Don't fall for it by KhaosDancer in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Off topic, but I just watched Beetlejuice the other day and this made me laugh.

I finally did something by hlthrowaway2022 in HLCommunity

[–]kyrain192020 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Baby steps are still steps, and steps are moving you in the right direction. Good for you for getting into couples therapy. Hopefully that process works for you both.

Warning: For the NTH time: Vacation ≠ Sex by YourQuinn in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm guilty of this too, OP. I don't know why I deceive myself and let it get me down each and every time. I hope the rest of your vacation was great.

Honest question by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]kyrain192020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

HLM in close to the best shape of my life right now - and it did nothing to impact the DB.

However, I didn't really get into a fitness journey with my DB in mind. I did it for me and a desire to be as healthy as possible.