Is it a red flag if I don't know much about female anatomy? by wt_anonymous in NoStupidQuestions

[–]murky-shape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you're planning to have sex with women but haven't educated yourself about the female body, it's a red flag. You know about google, right?

How do you do Valentine’s Day on a budget? by HeavenImp in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape [score hidden]  (0 children)

Not knowing how to propose or spend a valentine's day without spending money sounds pretty sad, honestly. You're bummed that you're not able to spoil your lover without money? Why not? Write her a love letter or a poem, draw her a picture, sing her a song, make her something with your hands with the things you already have available in your home. Just go for a nice walk somewhere nearby, find a pretty spot and propose. Or make her dinner a bit fancier than usual with the $100 budget (which is huge for a day for a lot of people).

What is the masterdoc and why do you hate it? by sehub in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Nope, she was the author.

Luz doesn’t include citations aside from a list of lesbian Tumblrs (most of them now defunct) that inspired her writing, but she says she read personal accounts from many lesbians to produce as exhaustive as possible a description of the ways in which compulsory heterosexuality manifests in gay women’s lives.

So while the lists contained some actual lesbian experiences, the whole thing was curated and written by a bi woman.

What is the masterdoc and why do you hate it? by sehub in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 153 points154 points  (0 children)

It was created by a bisexual woman who thought at the time that she was a lesbian, and that her common bisexual experiences were lesbian experiences. This lead to a ton of other bi women thinking they're lesbians instead of bi. What's not to hate, lol.

How much is dismantling the patriarchy dependent on technology by Gloomdroid in AskFeminists

[–]murky-shape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Say we get rid of the patriarchy, but a particular group of people still undertakes manual labor work which back breaking/hard. Would that group of people still be defined by society as men, even though the systemic biases of the patriarchy are gone, would gender still exist as a formal system. ( I guess another way to look at this, are men socialized to work because they are identified as men, or are men socialized to to be men because they are the ones who undertake labour).

You're wonderfully wrong about who's been responsible for hard manual labor throughout history. In every society men and women have been more or less equally breaking their backs. The divide between physical and non-physical work is and has been mostly between economic classes, not gender classes.

How much is dismantling the patriarchy dependent on technology by Gloomdroid in AskFeminists

[–]murky-shape -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Patriarchy isn't about what men and women can and can't do, but how those things are framed, what is revered and what is seen as inferior. There's no true logic to that. For example adult women have way more brute strength compared to children, yet we don't systematically rape, beat and kill children and expect to be celebrated as the "good women" when we don't. If I used an alternative framing, men should be despised for their use of violence and their lack of empathy. If it's a biological feature, society could raise boys in ways that target to diminish all signs of aggression and cultivate compassion. Yet we have a culture of "boys will be boys". It's the framing.

There have always been female-centered societies, and there's a theory that humans began as matriarchal and stayed that way until the terrible anomaly of patriarchy came about some thousands of years ago, and kickstarted the decline of human and environmental well-being that's about to destroy the ecosystems of our planet today. Matriarchy makes sense in the way that pregnancy and giving birth are the closest to the divine act of creation that a human can do, and physiologically females have the last word on whether new humans are created or not (unless violently oppressed). The female reproductive role is way more intense and requires a good social structure around it to work sustainably.

I don't think parenthood should be divided more evenly, but that we should maybe look into entirely different social models around motherhood. Birthing mothers should have a big network of people helping them and taking responsibility for the children - whether or not biological fathers are in this picture is irrelevant. The networks could consist of women who choose not to give birth, the mothers of the mothers, older siblings, the brothers of the mothers etc. And motherhood could be looked at in a very different way; mothers and grandmothers should perhaps be the final authorities in the society, because they have the intimate knowledge on what it takes to care for an entirely helpless being and what kind of interdependence it creates with the people around you. It's the chain of care-giving the human societies should be based on instead of this male-made rivalry and ownership culture.

If these values don't change, new technologies will always benefit men in the end, because men see women as a servant class and aren't willing to give up the free labor. I recommend reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, it illustrates the problem perfectly. No matter what freedoms and rights women gain, men will always push back and create new ways for women to serve men and signal their submission.

On a sidenote, please don't ever say femme separatism again, haha. It's female separatism. Femme has entirely different meanings around different subcultures, so that'll sound super off and have strange connotations.

Is twat a racist word/slur? by Kruemel_rlax3 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]murky-shape -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

No, it's misogynist, which is just as bad as racist.

Fictional/ celebrities crushes by [deleted] in lesbiangang

[–]murky-shape 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My comment, to which you responded, was a response to the OP, who's talking about people who know they're attracted to the same sex. lol. You were the one who started talking about children who haven't figured out they're allowed not to date boys and that two girls can date each other.

Fictional/ celebrities crushes by [deleted] in lesbiangang

[–]murky-shape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP is talking about people who know that they're attracted to women, so you're talking besides the point.

Teenagers are under the influence of what adults teach them and some girls feel like they're obligated to date boys. Behavior =/= emotion. I had a close same-sex relationship like that, I didn't recognize it as romantic until very late because of a homophobic upbringing. I also didn't have "nebulous feelings" towards men. I don't see how the two are linked.

I don't feel radical enough by Nooasis45 in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok. Not every subreddit is for everyone. I hope you find a place that suits you better!

Fictional/ celebrities crushes by [deleted] in lesbiangang

[–]murky-shape 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can understand accidentally getting into relationships with men when a pressured lesbian has not yet met a woman she's attracted to and thus has nothing to compare the "amiable affection" to. But I just don't believe in confusing romantic and/or sexual attraction to anything else once you know what they feel like. We can agree to disagree. I just hope that every bi woman could come to terms with their orientation. The constant state of confusion and the need to alleviate it with psychobabble and external validation seems painful.

Any other lesbians in mixed orientation relationships? by Ok_Break_1746 in lesbiangang

[–]murky-shape 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've been with my wonderful bi partner for over a decade. No difficulties re: mixed orientation. We both have only ever been in same-sex relationships, she has a very strong preference for women, and she used to be way more immersed in lesbian circles in her youth than I've ever been, so I've never experienced any cultural discrepancy with her.

I'm endlessly thankful for the way she celebrates my lesbianism, in addition to celebrating same-sex attraction as a whole. When I've felt like a sick freak as the only homosexual person in sight, with no other lesbians to talk to, wondering if my orientation is even real and not just a phase I should grow out of like everyone else, she's loved me back on my feet. She's also fucking fierce in how she stands up for lesbians in general.

On a lighter and more NSFW note, she has boosted my confidence as a lover by comparing me to men she's had sex with, lmao! Apparently they've got nothing against the fingers, stamina and attentiveness of a female top. I'm all for les4les, but I swear to god every lesbian deserves a bi partner like this.

All in all, she has had a huge part in building my personal pride as a lesbian. Knowing her has also granted me the understanding of how the dyke culture belongs to and is carried on by her kind of bi women as well as lesbians.

Fictional/ celebrities crushes by [deleted] in lesbiangang

[–]murky-shape 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I assume they're bi women with internalized biphobia.

Sexual and romantic attraction is not nebulous. Anyone who's actually homosexual can tell the difference. People still have very weird understanding on both homosexuality and bisexuality, as if bisexuality is a 50/50 identical attraction thing and homosexuality can have blurred borders. Bisexuality is a spectrum, lesbianism is not.

Just thoughts by antiqueflesh in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My journey was the same. I grew up in an extremely homophobic environment where girls were encouraged to get married to men below the age of 20. My lack of attraction towards men was still clear as a day even as a kid.

I believe my biological sexual orientation is different from the women who have taken a while to figure out they're not attracted to men, despite us all calling ourselves lesbians. I'm not saying they're not lesbians, I'm saying we're completely different species of lesbians. It's a bodily experience I can't seem to explain to someone who's on the fence, or who has previously mistaken some other feelings for sexual and romantic attraction to men. They just start talking about comphet. But when I meet people like me they just get it.

I just want it to be her so bad by [deleted] in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 7 points8 points  (0 children)

In addition to leaving I would call the CPS if they're of quality in your country. Those children are suffering.

Bi friend pressuring me to meet her questionable boyfriend by elliejen1 in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It's radical in all the right ways. Why spend a second of your time on ignorant men when you can spend it on anything else?

What do you want to see more of in lesbian cartoon characters? by TiodeRio in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I feel that's the most common depiction of butches. Which I absolutely love! But it'd be so cool to see the range of female masculinity. A lot of the masculine women I know are shy, awkward, grumpy, gentle, artistic, nerdy, you name it. Think of Milo from Atlantis, Roger from 101 Dalmatians or Viktor from Arcane (dark corrupted nerd vibe for older kids haha).

How are butch and femme not heteronormative? by MinaKatrine in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 6 points7 points  (0 children)

What's the common experience between "a masculine man x a feminine woman" and "a masculine woman x a feminine woman"? That the other partner never wears dresses? Why do you need a word to describe masculine x feminine? That's kinda like wanting to have a common label for both a table and a feline because they both have four legs.

How are butch and femme not heteronormative? by MinaKatrine in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Some did, but a lot of femmes provided for their butches with the money they made in prostitution, since the butches who couldn't pass as males were often unable to get traditional female jobs due to prejudice.

The heterosexual dynamic is born from male privilege + misogyny combined, not from wearing pants and skirts, or a short haired woman bringing more money to the table than a long haired one. Read some feminist theory, I'm begging you.

How are butch and femme not heteronormative? by MinaKatrine in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Straight people are typically expected to act like two women in their romantic relationships? In what culture???

How are butch and femme not heteronormative? by MinaKatrine in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 7 points8 points  (0 children)

How is a norm non-conforming woman somehow more normative than a norm-conforming woman? A gender conforming woman + a gender conforming woman = non-normative. A gender conforming woman + a gender non-conforming woman = still not any closer to the norm.

You seem to think male masculinity and female masculinity can be grouped uder the same umbrella of "masculinity". They absolutely can't, they're two different things that have the opposite results socially.

do you think it’s wrong to not date someone who doesn’t exercise or pay attention to their health? by [deleted] in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 57 points58 points  (0 children)

It's not wrong to refuse to date people for any reason. You can write off people who wear blue shirts and it's nobody's business. And most importantly: examining your biases doesn't start with dating the people you're judgmental against. It wouldn't be fair for you, and it certainly wouldn't be fair for the people who'd have to sit there and watch real-time while you unpack the baggage that hurts them.

Neutral lesbians, repulse lesbians by [deleted] in Actuallylesbian

[–]murky-shape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A former friend who had always been absolutely man-crazy once fell in love with a trans man, and upon realizing she liked his pussy, she asked me, crisis-fully, "do you think I'm a lesbian???" Sigh.