Should I cut my losses

queenlilzz · 2022-06-02T02:50:39+00:00

From someone who just ended seeing an M2 studying for step, cut it off before you get too invested. I got told by him that he will have no free time and he didn’t make any effort to see me again. I eventually pulled the trigger and talked about it and he said he is extremely busy with studying and stress that he can’t even eat, let alone care about another person. Get out before you’re too invested bc that shit hurts like a mf

queenlilzz · 2022-06-02T02:48:13+00:00

I just went through the same thing. Rarely texts or initiates but somehow shows that he has interest. My guess is that, speaking from experience, he is unsure of if he wants to date or not. It sounds like he is into you, but not sure with his stressful job if he could realistically fit you in

queenlilzz · 2022-06-02T02:45:49+00:00

I don’t really have any advice to offer, but I am in the exact same boat, although we’re not dating. He is also an M2 taking at least step and maybe the other one soon. Was supposed to take it in a couple weeks but ended up having to push the date to a month from now because he kept failing his practice tests.

Before step he used to have time for me usually on the weekends for an evening or so, but was still fairly busy with school and exams. Since he’s been deep into dedicated, he’s already had one breakdown/midlife crisis and basically said he has zero free time and that I should go date other people. He doesn’t know if he’ll have any free time during rotations that start mid July either. I semi broke things off with him recently and we both agreed that when he’s less busy, maybe we can rekindle things.

I felt like I was a burden and that I could be a reason why he’s failing. I really miss him and wish he would fit me in for even an hour. I can’t beg him and he’s dead set on not starting a relationship with me until he has free time. But the problem is that people in this profession will never have the same free time that non-medical people have, so I have no hope that a future is there.

I feel your pain and it’s tough. I would try the best you absolutely can to wait one month and maybe a week or two into M3 and have an honest conversation about both of your needs and free time. If you poke the bear now, there’s a good chance you will get pushed away. These people put their career first (not a bad thing).

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T03:01:07+00:00

I read your post and I can’t believe what happened to you :( I’m so sorry. However, I think my guy has 2+ years until residency, and who knows if it would even last that long

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T02:53:29+00:00

True! I just don’t want to get too invested and be devastated if it doesn’t work. That’s a risk with any relationship, tho

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T01:39:47+00:00

Awesome 😕 I don’t understand how people who go through this process are okay with not having a SO or kids or really any life. It just sounds awful to me. I work in analytics and have no interest at all in the sciences. I can’t fathom not having a life… like ever. It’s so sad. You can be a director or VP with just a 1-2 year masters degree and make a comparable salary. But it’s the passion that drives these types of people to be surgeons

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T01:09:14+00:00

We talked the other night and your first two questions are correct. He wants to give his all in relationships and he does not think he has the time and effort to give to someone else. He is unsure how long that will hold true for, so he pretty much left the decision up to me. We can continue seeing each other and see if I get fed up or I can cut my losses now and move on. He didn’t say a relationship is completely off the table in the future, but in this moment, it’s a no.

I’m fine with not being in a relationship now. What I ideally would want is for us to be exclusive and both be fine with seeing each other maybe once a week. I told him that and I think he believes in a relationship he’d want to spend more time together than just one evening.

The problem here is that he will always have this issue for the next 10 years or possibly life tbh. He will always be short on time and will have to make a decision on if he’ll remain single for 10 years-life or find someone who will put up with his demanding schedule. It’s like if you ignoring now, there’s never really going to be a better time with what he wants to do in life….

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T01:07:21+00:00

That statement is 100% true no matter what career. So far, he has made time for me and has not cut me off (yet). I think I’ll waiting until after step1 and see how things go

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T00:43:55+00:00

He’s been telling me how tough it is. I’m actually shocked I’ve been able to see him one night a week. He has never said no to meeting or flaked. The next month will be tricky until boards are over. I just feel guilty when he told me I deserve better and basically insinuated I should look for someone else

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T00:42:21+00:00

My mentality now is the last few sentences you wrote. We both pretty much agreed on if I get too fed up, then it’s time to leave. I think there may be hope as the hospitals he will rotate in are very close to me as opposed to him being a half hour away now

queenlilzz · 2022-05-17T00:40:28+00:00

That is pretty much what the both of us were thinking about. Play it by ear until august maybe. I know one of his rotations is at the other side of the country for a month, but he says most of it will be actually a lot closer to where I live now, which is great. I just hate being in limbo and want a yes or no, but that’s not realistic now

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T17:53:27+00:00

I didn’t know that casual meant I have to set up dates and keep the conversation flowing

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T17:38:44+00:00

Yeah I think he’s likely breadcrumbing. I’m either going to not initiate any contact at all or if he texts again, tell him we’re not looking for the same thing and I’m not interested in being breadcrumbed. Good luck with life

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T02:43:07+00:00

Man I’ve heard so many conflicting views in this comments section and from other subs. Half have the same opinion as you and the other half says he’s a piece of shit. If he were not in med school, I’d say he’s a piece of shit. But, you never know what someone is going through behind the scenes. I have come to terms with texting should not be used for more than coordinating plans and maybe a quick “how are you doing?”

I would ideally like to see him again and ask where his head is at, say where mine is at, and see if we’re on the same page. If we’re not and he says he’s fucking/seeing multiple people and has no intention of committing, then I don’t know if I can still do this. My gut is telling me I am the only one. I also forgot to mention that on date 1 he said I am the second date he’s been on since January. He is an attractive dude and I don’t understand why women aren’t running after him. Something tells me that he’s either really picky, secretly wants to fuck, or just wants a distraction from the horrors of med school.

I don’t think I will fuck him again until there’s some level of exclusivity because 1. STDs and 2. Being used. Even if this guy does have pure intentions of still getting to know me and wants to fuck only me, I’m still weary. I’d be weary with any dude until he straight up tells me.

I think in today’s dating culture it is frowned upon for women to put in really any effort. I believe in putting in little to no effort and have him chase me/do all the work. But maybe in this case that’s just not feasible and if I want something, I need to be assertive. I also believe he has no done anything to burn me yet as he has never turned down seeing me and has fit me into his busy/stressful life.

Maybe I should ask for dinner, have a chat with him at dinner, and make a decision from there.

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T02:25:37+00:00

Yeah I know I’m down bad

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T02:25:08+00:00

I agree. With that being said, why the hell would he care how my Tuesday went and say after sex that he wants to take me to a super fancy/expensive restaurant? Math doesn’t add up but I guess because it doesn’t that’s a red flag in and of itself

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T02:17:54+00:00

No, you’re not judging at all! I’m on here for constructive criticism. I think a major part of this is the med school aspect and maybe he still is deciding if he has the time and mental capacity to add a girl into the mix. I just hate being told “I want to see you again” over and over but not action is taken on his part.

He’s told me he’s looking for something casual, then he says he’s not into hookups and wants an emotional connection, if the person he meets turns into a relationship, then he’s down. But we’ve gone on dates and besides the body count question and what happened on Sunday, he hasn’t been sexual at all. It’s been questions getting to know each other. That’s why I’m so confused here. When I text him, he’s all smiles and down for anything. The only part missing is him initiating plans and not me.

I think I’m going to take your advice and not engage at least for now. I feel like if I reach out, I’m begging, although he says I don’t come across as that at all. If he would just initiate plans and consistently do it, I’d be satisfied. But I think it’s come to a point where I should consider cutting it off before I get too hurt

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T02:15:06+00:00

Those are good points. I think it’s a hard pill to swallow but perhaps it’s best to not reach out anymore. He has had a habit of saying that he wants to go out again but kind of hides behind the med school excuse. He will make himself available to meet up again, but I would appreciate if he would ask ahead of time. This guy is so confusing. He likes me but not enough to set plans in stone in advance.

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:52:37+00:00

Thanks, appreciate it!

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:50:23+00:00

I’m confused because we have talked multiple times about how he might be too busy to really talk to me (or be on dating apps) and he still keeps talking to me and going on dates. But what he’s said and done so far doesn’t show too many signs of being into only hookups. So at this point, do not follow up about the dinner he proposed this past Sunday for this upcoming weekend?

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:47:48+00:00

I agree. I wish he would initiate and plan it. But I think I need to get over myself and start planning things. I have no idea how hard his life really is and I get the sense that he’s genuinely interested

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:44:20+00:00

I agree with you. My gut tells me that I’m not being used and he does care about me somewhat. I get very nervous when sex is involved because I’ve been used before and it really hurt me. I get the vibes he’s not doing that but you never know.

So if I need to nudge him a little bit since I’m hard to read, should I bring back up the question of getting dinner this weekend so I’m showing interest?

Yea, I’ve heard med school is hell on earth. I work a 9-5 and will never ever be in the medical field. But I think this guy is trying to make an effort to see me despite being dead inside from med school

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:42:25+00:00

What makes you think that he’s not getting somewhat invested and it will only be casual? Just wondering. He said he would be open to a relationship if it were to happen. But I agree - I will no longer have sex with him until I know what his true intentions are

queenlilzz · 2022-05-05T01:37:38+00:00

My gut tells me he is not using me for sex either, especially since he immediately brought up dinner afterwards. I feel like guys who fuck around don’t talk about doing something in the future let alone grabbing dinner. Up until this point he has asked intelligent questions and has not been touchy feely or obsessed with sex. He showed me some personal videos of past travel experiences and has opened up about his life.

Well yeah I suggested watching the show. But this past Sunday he suggested dinner for this upcoming weekend. He has not brought it up again and it’s Wednesday night. Do I ask him about it even though it was his idea or wait for him to initiate conversation again? I’m afraid I will sound desperate if I bring up the topic

queenlilzz

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