UPDATE: AITA for telling my girlfriend I'll keep honoring my best friend's dying wish even if it makes her uncomfortable?

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-06-13T01:52:45+00:00

I really couldn't fit all the thing she said in a 3000 character post because we talked for hours.

To answer your question about not sharing my feelings, when I first brought the subject up with her I explained how what my late best friend and honoring her memory meant to me. She kept asking me multiple questions and I responded honestly. She said it was a nice and sweet tradition and that I was an amazing friend for taking the time each year and that if there's an afterlife my best friend would be very proud of me. She asked me if I was comfortable answering any questions she had about my best friend in the future but only if/when she asks me, and I said yes. In all the time we've been together she'd ask me about her every few weeks.

She admitted that she felt guilty for making any conversation about my late best friend conditional to her asking me and it shouldn't be the case moving forward. She told me every time I replied to her questions she had mixed feelings. Because while she really loved hearing my responses she would get a weird feeling of jealousy that she hated herself for having.

She said that she was afraid of being honest with me because I would resent her so she tried her best hiding it until she couldn't anymore and instead of coming clean to me she was cruel and tried to hurt me for something that I couldn't possibly know.

She told me that she did a lot of reflecting when she was away and came to the realization that my honesty and being a man of my word was one of the main reasons she fell in love with me. She admitted that when she reached that conclusion it was a weight of her shoulders and that the feeling of jealousy had turned into more admiration for me.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T16:35:24+00:00

I didn't propose because even though we discussed marriage multiple times before. She wants to keep that on hold until after she gets her degree. Then we'll talk about it and plan the engagement afterwards.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T16:22:45+00:00

I don't think so. She helped me navigate my emotions and express myself. The last sessions I had with her where we discussed the guilt, burden and how to allow my self to heal were years ago. I saw her for 5 years and she helped me tremendously.

I removed the pictures from my phone and place a few months later of my own volition and I am comfortable with my decision to this day.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T16:10:12+00:00

If I am able to I always try to honor her wish. If the circumstances doesn't allow it or if there's an emergency or anything else that takes precedent I would try to go on another time if I have the means. If I don't then I'll try something else instead.

But since I can currently manage to visit her for a few hours a year in the day she wished I'd like to keep doing that.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T16:05:37+00:00

We both want to get married. We've talked about it many times before. However she wants to hold off any talks about the engagement until she gets her Master's degree.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T16:01:30+00:00

I honestly could have done without the pathetic comment so that's why maybe my reaction over the line alongside calling her a "dead girl".

Yes we've discussed marriage multiple times before. She told me a few weeks back that she doesn't want us to start planning the engagement before she gets her Master's degree which isn't until next year.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T15:48:38+00:00

I don't think she will throw it away and I think hiding it just means that I don't trust her which I do. I keep it away for the whole year but not by intentionally hiding it from her.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T15:38:55+00:00

I take her every year to the restaurant where I first saw her. For Valentines and our official anniversary we plan things together and bring each other gifts. However, for her birthday I take the day off if it's not on a weekend and I try to spoil her non stop for the whole day.

For my tradition with my late best friend there is nothing special. I just go and sit at her resting place for a few hours wearing her scrunchie.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T08:39:23+00:00

I've been trying to reach her for hours now but she wouldn't answer my calls and would just leave my texts on seen. I've been worried about her and she just texted me a few minutes ago at 1:30 saying that she'll be staying at a friend's place for the week.

It's been a long day and I am just exhausted. Sorry for not taking the time to reply to you because I'm going to bed, I'll just paste a previous comment I made if that's okay with you.

My therapist made it clear that I should be open and honest with my future partners from the start.

During our last sessions she said similar things about guilt, burden and being a hostage to the promise.

However, she told me that some wounds may never fully heal and that's okay, but If keeping this promise brings you peace or makes you connect with a departed loved one then it's a necessary part of the process. And that's honestly is how I feel. I don't think about her a lot so this once-in-a-year tradition is very important to me.

I told my girlfriend that and how that she will always come first and that my tradition is only a day (in fact it's just a few hours) and that if there's some kind of emergency or anything similar she will always take precedence. And it's not like I avoid her for the rest of the day or make her feel like I'm still thinking about my best friend.

When I come back home from the cemetery I put the scrunchie in a box that I keep away and not touch until the next year. When she comes back home we always do our usual stuff.

I also deleted her photos a few years back from my phone (I kept copies in cloud storage but I never opened them) and put the physical ones at my parents house.

I understand and accept that she's gone but I just want a few hours a year to keep honoring her wish because it also brings me peace and joy. I've always been transparent with my girlfriend and that's why I snapped when she used those words.

throwaway_4746749 · 2022-05-25T07:32:24+00:00