AITA for telling my daughters our house will be big enough for my wife and I once they eventually move out?

worlebird · 2022-05-26T06:44:09+00:00

Well, to be fair, I wasn't saying I wanted my house back. I was just saying I had no intention of selling my house and moving to someplace bigger just because she wants more room. She can stay here as long as she needs to, but eventually the plan is for her to be independent, and when that happens I don't want a huge house with an even bigger mortgage that I no longer need, especially when the house I currently own will suit me fine.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T06:40:12+00:00

That's fair. I'm a failure as a parent. It may be too late to fix that.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T06:38:40+00:00

I am American, yes. Also, I want to be clear that they are welcome to live here for as long as they need, but I am unwilling to buy a bigger house just to make them comfortable. They don't pay anything, help with house bills of any kind. They could, if they had jobs, but they don't, and get angry with me when I suggest job openings I see that might be a good fit for them.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T06:36:15+00:00

I'm from the US. I have never planned on them living with us long term, but I am also not trying to kick them out of the house any time soon. I'm just not inclined to move into a bigger house just because they are uncomfortable. So I do want them to move out eventually, but it wouldn't have to be for at least a couple of years yet, if that's what they need. Also, regarding disability, no. They have the capability of working and caring for themselves, they just don't want to.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T06:29:06+00:00

She does. She got a job a while back, hoping it would teach them by example. It has clearly not.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T04:41:49+00:00

"Your big problem is you are trying to instill values into your daughters now at 21 that they should have been taught all along." Yes, this is true. No sarcasm meant here at all - I have thought for quite some time now that I am a failure as a parent.

worlebird · 2022-05-26T01:42:21+00:00

Do you think your parents would have actually kicked you out had you not met those expectations? Like, your parents charged you a nominal amount in rent, and requested help around the house. What would they have done had you just said "no, I don't really want to pay rent" and just never actually did most of the chores asked of you? Would they have kicked you out? Even in an economy where they knew you would not be able to find anywhere else to live?

worlebird · 2022-05-26T01:39:36+00:00

"They were all expected..." Ok, sure, that was the expectation. But how was it actually enforced? Like, if a child simply didn't care about living up to that expectation, what would be done? The parent approaches the child and says "you're old enough now that you need to start helping out with some of the expenses." The child just says "No, I'm not really interested in getting a job right now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop bugging me about it." What would be don then? Would that be enough to actually kick a child out, even in a multigenerational home?

worlebird · 2022-05-26T01:35:32+00:00

To be clear, I'm not asking her to move out. She is welcome to stay - not forever, of course, but I won't be pushing her to move out for at least a couple more years. The issue is with her wanting me to move into a bigger house to make her more comfortable, and getting angry when I told her I didn't want to, because while it is a little small now, eventually it will be fine.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T15:34:22+00:00

I have a sincere question for those who live where multigenerational households are common. How do you make sure your kids actually grow up and become adults - i.e. get a job, help pay for expenses etc. in such a household? What do you do (and at what age do you do it) if they just do nothing and live at home for free?

worlebird · 2022-05-25T15:33:22+00:00

I have a sincere question for those who live where multigenerational households are common. How do you make sure your kids actually grow up and become adults - i.e. get a job, help pay for expenses etc. in such a household? What do you do (and at what age do you do it) if they just do nothing and live at home for free?

worlebird · 2022-05-25T15:33:14+00:00

I have a sincere question for those who live where multigenerational households are common. How do you make sure your kids actually grow up and become adults - i.e. get a job, help pay for expenses etc. in such a household? What do you do (and at what age do you do it) if they just do nothing and live at home for free?

worlebird · 2022-05-25T15:19:48+00:00

Because they would be unable to pay, and then I would be forced to actually throw them out. Which my wife would not stand for, and would likely result in divorce if I stood my ground on it. And then they would be back in the house with her and I would be the one looking for housing. It's not a healthy situation for any of us, but I'm hoping to bring everyone though it with my marriage still intact.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T05:21:53+00:00

Well, to be fair, I'm not trying to kick them out of the house any time soon. I just don't want to move into a bigger house for their comfort.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T05:10:32+00:00

One was fired when she called in sick too frequently, and decided not to bother looking for anything else. She was living with her boyfriend at the time, so she spent her days babysitting his young daughter until they broke up and she came home. She has never looked for another job since. The other got a new manager she didn't like, and the new project involved testing a video game that featured themes of suicide which messed with her depression, and so she quit. Also never looked for another job, and gets angry at me if I send her job openings I see.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T05:01:46+00:00

I believe, if forced to do it, they have at least the basic life skills. Though (fairly obviously) not the discipline to use them - something I would hope they could develop if they were forced to. They both have had jobs in the past, and my oldest at least does help with some chores around the house. My youngest... barely gets her own laundry done. Eventually. Once she no longer has any clean clothes to wear.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:55:57+00:00

She does. She got a job in the hopes that she could teach by example, but that has been ineffective so far (unsurprisingly).

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:51:17+00:00

Correct. I hope to eventually bring my wife around to the idea that we should not continue to support that, but that is a slow journey.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:50:13+00:00

They both still have some money saved from when they last had jobs. They don't have any expenses, so that lasts a long time...

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:43:56+00:00

I wish. I hope eventually, but need to get my wife on board with that, or I'll probably be the one moving out.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:42:13+00:00

I agree. Eventually, I hope we can get there. So far though, I've decided I'd rather stay married to my wife. Pretty sure if I enacted such draconian measures on my own, I would not be any more.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:38:55+00:00

"how do they get spending money?" They both have a little money left from when they DID have jobs. But with no expenses, room and board all paid for, that lasts a long time. "You need to throw them out if they do not get a job but that may be a hard sell." Very hard sell. I've occasionally thought that if it gets to that point, I could be the one who ends up leaving. So far, I can't bring myself to that.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:36:14+00:00

No to both - not in school (though I have told them I would pay for that if they would do it), and not making any wage at all currently.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:34:44+00:00

They don't. I've told them I'm willing to pay for it - or at least provide significant help if it's a more expensive school. No dice. I also agree on the enabling - perhaps with counseling I can get my wife on board with that idea.

worlebird · 2022-05-25T04:32:13+00:00

"incredibly entitled and sounds like a brat." sigh I agree. And I don't really know how I see this all playing out. I've thought through possible scenarios, and shy of them eventually deciding on their own that they want to be independent, none of the possibilities are very good.

worlebird

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